Fun with Michael Moore

Last night on the Hugh Hewitt show he read the latest Michael Moore column from his web site. American Daughter sent me a link to the rant and it is just too funny not to comment on.

Enough of the handwringing! Enough of the doomsaying! Do I have to come there and personally calm you down? Stop with all the defeatism, OK? Bush IS a goner — IF we all just quit our whining and bellyaching and stop shaking like a bunch of nervous ninnies. Geez, this is embarrassing! The Republicans are laughing at us. Do you ever see them cry, "Oh, it’s all over! We are finished! Bush can’t win! Waaaaaa!"

Hell no. It’s never over for them until the last ballot is shredded. They are never finished — they just keeping moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing, pulling, kicking, blocking, lying.

I would really like to see a shark that can push, pull, and kick. Down in St. Augustine they have the Ripley’s Believe it or not Museum. Maybe they have a mutant kicking shark down there.

They are relentless and that is why we secretly admire them — they just simply never, ever give up. Only 30% of the country calls itself "Republican," yet the Republicans own it all — the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court and the majority of the governorships. How do you think they’ve been able to pull that off considering they are a minority? It’s because they eat you and me and every other liberal for breakfast and then spend the rest of the day wreaking havoc on the planet.

When did the coup d’etat occur in the supreme court occur? The last I knew most the decisions being handed down were 5-4 or 6-3 against positions that Republicans held. I didn’t realize that and here I was thinking that abortion was still the law of the land and yet a Republican majority supreme court must have overturned Roe v.Wade. I also must have heard wrong what the ruling was for the Texas sodomy case. I guess I need to watch the news more closely.

Look at us — what a bunch of crybabies. Bush gets a bounce after his convention and you would have thought the Germans had run through Poland again. The Bushies are coming, the Bushies are coming! Yes, they caught Kerry asleep on the Swift Boat thing. Yes, they found the frequency in Dan Rather and ran with it. Suddenly it’s like, "THE END IS NEAR! THE SKY IS FALLING!"

No, it is not. If I hear one more person tell me how lousy a candidate Kerry is and how he can’t win… Dammit, of COURSE he’s a lousy candidate — he’s a Democrat, for heavens sake! That party is so pathetic, they even lose the elections they win! What were you expecting, Bruce Springsteen heading up the ticket? Bruce would make a helluva president, but guys like him don’t run — and neither do you or I. People like Kerry run.

This man truly needs an editor or maybe someone to break his caps lock key.

Yes, OF COURSE any of us would have run a better, smarter, kick-ass campaign. Of course we would have smacked each and every one of those phony swifty boaty bastards down. But WE are not running for president — Kerry is. So quit complaining and work with what we have. Oprah just gave 300 women a… Pontiac! Did you see any of them frowning and moaning and screaming, "Oh God, NOT a friggin’ Pontiac!" Of course not, they were happy. The Pontiacs all had four wheels, an engine and a gas pedal. You want more than that, well, I can’t help you. I had a Pontiac once and it lasted a good year. And it was a VERY good year.

I would like to see Michael Moore in a room with any one of those Swiftboat Vets and to see exactly which one gets smacked down. I never watch Pay-per-view but a cage match with the swifties and Michael Moore I would pay to watch.

My friends, it is time for a reality check.

1. The polls are wrong. They are all over the map like diarrhea. On Friday, one poll had Bush 13 points ahead — and another poll had them both tied. There are three reasons why the polls are b.s.: One, they are polling "likely voters." "Likely" means those who have consistently voted in the past few elections. So that cuts out young people who are voting for the first time and a ton of non-voters who are definitely going to vote in THIS election. Second, they are not polling people who use their cell phone as their primary phone. Again, that means they are not talking to young people. Finally, most of the polls are weighted with too many Republicans, as pollster John Zogby revealed last week. You are being snookered if you believe any of these polls.

Polls weighted with too many Republicans? The last time I checked pollsters like the L.A. Times and the Star-Tribune had the opposite problem and many recent polls were fact-checked as to the number of self-identified Democrat and Republican voters. There are a ton of non-voters who are going to vote? How does he know this. Is there a poll of unlikely voters out there to look at? Maybe I will become a pollsters of unlikely voters. It has got to be an easy job. In fact here is my first poll result.

Among unlikely voters.
Bush 0%
Kerry 0%
Nader 0%

So that puts them all in a dead heat within the statistical margin of error.

Kerry has brought in the Clinton A-team. Instead of shunning Clinton (as Gore did), Kerry has decided to not make that mistake.

Oh that was a truly brilliant tactical move by the Kerry campaign. His campaign now has more heads than a hydra and his campaign is a great metaphor for how liberals run the government. And that move to bring in Joe Lockhart who has been implicated in the CBS scandal by being a go-between between them and Bill Burkett is another great decision. Oh and don’t forget the great Clintonista Sandy Berger that he hired. This was a great choice especially if you needed someone to carry around secret documents in your socks for you.

3. Traveling around the country, as I’ve been doing, I gotta tell ya, there is a hell of a lot of unrest out there. Much of it is not being captured by the mainstream press. But it is simmering and it is real. Do not let those well-produced Bush rallies of angry white people scare you. Turn off the TV! (Except Jon Stewart and Bill Moyers — everything else is just a sugar-coated lie).

I am sure glad the Democrats don’t have any angry white people in their party. It is nice to hear such relaxed non-white representatives like Al "You betrayed our country" Gore, Howard "The Scream" Dean, and the calm and never polemic Michael Moore.

4. Conventional wisdom says if the election is decided on "9/11" (the fear of terrorism), Bush wins. But if it is decided on the job we are doing in Iraq, then Bush loses. And folks, that "job," you might have noticed, has descended into the third level of a hell we used to call Vietnam. There is no way out. It is a full-blown mess of a quagmire and the body bags will sadly only mount higher. Regardless of what Kerry meant by his original war vote, he ain’t the one who sent those kids to their deaths — and Mr. and Mrs. Middle America knows it. Had Bush bothered to show up when he was in the "service" he might have somewhat of a clue as to how to recognize an immoral war that cannot be "won." All he has delivered to Iraq was that plasticized turkey last Thanksgiving. It is this failure of monumental proportions that is going to cook his goose come this November.

What is amazing he used every anti-war buzz word there is in one paragraph. When you hear quagmire, body bags, no way out, Vietnam, and the ever present plastic turkey charge you know this is a sign of the liberal version of Tourette’s Syndrome. They truly can’t help themselves folks.

So, do not despair. All is not over. Far from it. The Bush people need you to believe that it is over. They need you to slump back into your easy chair and feel that sick pain in your gut as you contemplate another four years of George W. Bush. They need you to wish we had a candidate who didn’t windsurf and who was just as smart as we were when WE knew Bush was lying about WMD and Saddam planning 9/11. It’s like Karl Rove is hypnotizing you — "Kerry voted for the war…Kerry voted for the war…Kerrrrrryyy vooootted fooooor theeee warrrrrrrrrr…"

Yes…Yes…Yesssss….He did! HE DID! No sense in fighting now…what I need is sleep…sleeep…sleeeeeeppppp…

WAKE UP! The majority are with us! More than half of all Americans are pro-choice, want stronger environmental laws, are appalled that assault weapons are back on the street — and 54% now believe the war is wrong. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO CONVINCE THEM OF ANY OF THIS — YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE THEM A RAY OF HOPE AND A RIDE TO THE POLLS. CAN YOU DO THAT? WILL YOU DO THAT?

Just for me, please? Buck up. The country is almost back in our hands. Not another negative word until Nov. 3rd! Then you can bitch all you want about how you wish Kerry was still that long-haired kid who once had the courage to stand up for something. Personally, I think that kid is still inside him. Instead of the wailing and gnashing of your teeth, why not hold out a hand to him and help the inner soldier/protester come out and defeat the forces of evil we now so desperately face. Do we have any other choice?

Just for me, please? In Michael Moore’s universe he is at the center. There has yet been no Copernicus to point out to him that the world does not revolve around him. He seems to confuse gravity with gravitas which is easy to do when you are so large that small moonlets get caught in your gravity well. Maybe though he is getting his wish about John Kerry. Yesterday’s speech channeled his inner war protester and brought him back to the Dean side of the Iraq war rhetoric.

I am glad that Michael Moore is not afraid to use the word evil. Unfortunately he applies it to George Bush when he himself proudly proclaims his pro-abortion beliefs. Notice also that earlier he said the polls were worthless and they he sites polls for over half the country as pro-choice and 54% are against the Iraq war. I guess they have oversampled Republicans yet again.