What if the Church was a Car Company?

Pat Archbold has a a very funny piece up a the National Catholic Register titled What if the Church was a Car Company?.

Just to whet your appetite before you read the whole thing:

• Communion of Saints: The ultimate drivers support group. Like totally On*Star on steroids.
• Concupiscence: The tendency of all people to drive off the road while fiddling with the radio.

Although there is one definition I would tweak:

• Confession: The repair department. For the measly price of a few ‘Our Fathers’, ‘Haily Marys’, and repentance you can have your car returned to factory condition.

I would say to to get your car returned to factory condition would be the sacrament of Baptism. Confession does not always remit the temporal punishment which God requires as satisfaction for our sins. Baptism takes away all the punishment, both eternal and temporal.

Now here are some of my own definitions to add to the list:

• Dissidents Just like the car’s exhaust where a lot of hot fumes go through it and it works best when muffled. Instead of a catalytic converter a Catholic conversion is much better.
• Women’s Ordination Conference A group that pretty much hates every car in the companies lineup, yet for some reason wants to run the company.
• Conscience This is just like the dashboard warning lights. When these light up you should never ignore them or else they could lead to the dreaded “Check Engine” light. Repair ye, before your engine is dead that your malfunctions can be wiped away.
• Spiritual Direction You think your car is running pretty good, but you want it perfectly tuned up. The mechanic gets under the hood and helps you to find areas such as valves that need to be adjusted and other things that throw off your timing. The mechanic helps you to see the problems you missed that need repair.
• Gather Hymnal Like a Chevrolet Corvair and unsafe at any time signature.

Plus of course there is my picture of Mary’s Fiat: