If Ezekiel were a columnist

…might he have written this?

In the two thousandths and fourth year, in the ninth month, on the fourteenth day of the month, as I was among the columnists by the river Potomac, the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of the presidential campaign. As I looked, behold, a stormy wind came out of the north, and a great cloud, with brightness round about it, and fire flashing forth continually, and in the midst of the fire, as it were gleaming bronze. And from the midst of it came the likeness of a living creature in the form of man, and this man had two faces and each of them a different story. And the two faces had the wings of a Boeing 757 used for the campaign and wheels like one of his SUV’s that he doth not own but his family does. While he consumeth the oil of gladness even as oil of gladness prices rose while crying out the message of CAFE standards for passenger cars. The one face breathed fire as it spoketh about the King of Babylon, Saddam Hussien. While the other face blew cold winds of appeasement when Howard Dean’s threat did grow. On security the creature did roar like a lion in a fight, but his hooves were that of a lamb that went clip-clop as he passed or it might have sounded more like flip-flop as carried by the wind. And each went straight forward; wherever the spirit would go depending on the latest focus group or poll, they went, both turning one way and then the other. And when he spoke I heard the sound like many waters, like the low sound as the earth quaked, a sound that drawest me to slumber. And the creature offered me his talking points and said "eat these talking points and fill your stomach with it." Then I Then I ate it; and first my mouth as sweet as honey as I thought of free healthcare and then it turned sour as I realized cost and the truth about government provided healthcare. I heard this creature say out of one of his faces "life began in the womb" while his other face plotted to ensure that no man would have a quiver full of children. Thus says the Lord GOD: Let your "yes" mean yes and your "no"mean no. This creature of the two faces says yes and no and every nuance in between. Thus says the Lord: On the two thousands and fourth year, in the eleventh month, and on the second day of that month thou shall not use the excuse of proportional reason to justify casting thy vote on this creature. This creature would continue the abominations of the abortion clinic and nullify my command on marriage. Then he said to me, "The guilt of the house of America is exceedingly great; the land is full of the blood of innocents, and the city full of injustice; for they say, `The LORD has forsaken the land, and the LORD does not see.’ As for me, my eye will not spare, nor will I have pity, but I will requite their deeds upon their heads."

Ezekiel is a prophet and the son of Buzi and writes from Tell-Abib near the Chobar.