Parody

I have quite an announcement to make. I am now a reporter for Newsweek magazine! I always felt a call to be a reporter for Newsweek magazine so this is something very important for me. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am at this news and the impact this has on my life and hopefully the lives of others.

The hierarchy of Newsweek magazine though doesn’t recognize my call to be a reporter for them. So I had to have reporter credentials given me by an Ecumenical magazine group that also see themselves nevertheless as Newsweek employees and don’t recognize the authority of Newsweek’s editors to make hiring decisions.

So for my first article as a Newsweek employee I am going to interview myself, this way nobody can charge me with making up interviews as in the case of ABC’s Alexis Debat.

NEWSWEEK: What made you decide to become a Newsweek reporter?
Jeff Miller: It was a long process that started at a very young age. I grew up reading bad religion reporting and was always attracted to Newsweek’s egregious reporting and I was affirmed by others that I had gifts for bad reporting.

Have you heard from the Newsweek hierarchy?
The reporting community I belong to hasn’t felt anything from the editors, but local stringers have informed others not to read my reporting since I wasn’t a "validly credentialed" reporters for Newsweek.

How has your family handled your decision? Are they still Newsweek readers?
They are. They are actually incredibly supportive. My immediate family came for my giving a Newsweek credentials. My grandmother bought me an old typewriter.

How many people read your Newsweek articles?
We have 80 registered members. And we have a number of people who come who are subscribe to Newsweek but who come to read with us as a place to refresh their souls—a lot of them are ex-Newsweek readers who are uncomfortable with Newsweek’s discriminatory hiring practices.

Do you know the other Ecumenically credentialed Newsweek reporters?
In the Ecumenical Newsweek Communion there are six other reporters. I know all of them. In the Ecumenical Reporters Communion we no longer claim that we’re underneath the authority of the editors. [There’s also a group called the Roman Newsweek Reporters, which also credentials some reporters.] During the last several years there have been organized giving of Newsweek reporter credentials primarily on river boats.

Have you received any hate mail?
I personally have not received hate mail, although there are plenty of blogs that I have found online that like to slander my name when they get hold of information about my credentials. It’s unfortunate and sad. The people I serve are excited to see a place where men and women can read my articles side by side. Just because I wasn’t actually hired by Newsweek and I receive no salary from them or actually turn my stories over to them to be published doesn’t prevent me from being a validly credentialed Newsweek reporters. Defenders of Newsweek’s reporter tradition says that since founders of Newsweek (Ward Cheney, John Hay Whitney, and Paul Mellon) didn’t allow people to call themselves Newsweek reporters without actually being hired by them that this can’t be changed. There has been recent archaeological evidence in Newsweek headquarters of a statue of a reporter who does not seem to have ever been on their pay role. I think this is evidence of self-named Newsweek reporters in the early history of the magazine. If only people would get with the modern time and to understand how discriminatory Newsweek’s present hiring practices are by not hiring everybody that would apply.

Is there anything else you wish people knew?
It’s important to me that people see that I did what the others do to prepare to be a reporter. I took that traditional path. I got a certificate from an online journalism school for a reasonable fee. I forced myself to cover local news of minor happenings to prepare myself. I just wish more reporters who find themselves alienated from the magazine could find a magazine home. I am taking this step forward so that others in the future will have the opportunity to be a Newsweek reporter without having to face their discriminatory hiring practice of only hiring those with a journalism degree and having the ability to write and to act as a reporter.

* Here is the Newsweek article I am parodying.

Have you heard from the Roman Catholic hierarchy?
The community I belong to hasn’t felt anything from the bishop, …

Update: Shaking Off Sleep has a short parody on my parody and about Newsweek’s credentialism.

Have you ever been a Sunday morning quarterback during Mass where you critique and liturgical abuses or experimental oddities that you have observed. You just wish at times that somebody would step in and do something about what your are observing.Well we have some good news for you! Francis Cardinal Arinze the Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments has introduced a new program that will surely have an effect.

The recently created position of Liturgical Referee has been instituted to help to bring uniformity to the celebration of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Liturgical Referees will travel around the world randomly attending Masses. Liturgical Referees will stand, mostly quietly, to the side of the sanctuary during Mass and call out signals if he observes any liturgical penalties according to the GIRM and other liturgical documents. Only in the case of penalties that would make the Mass itself invalid will the Liturgical Referee blow his whistle and when necessary call for any replays to correct any mistake made. Penalty markers may be thrown during the Mass to alert the celebrant to any problems that might need immediate correction.

Liturgical Referee in action

After Mass any penalties will be reviewed with the celebrant and more serious penalties will be taken to the local ordinary for determination for any fines or whether the celebrant just needs to get back to the liturgical playbook (GIRM) and/or to review films of properly celebrated Masses. In the case of penalty free liturgies the Liturgical Referee will thank the celebrant and be given the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments seal of approval.

The Liturgical Referee’s has responsibility in enforcing the liturgical rules and maintaining the order of the liturgy. During the liturgy please do not yell out or insult the Liturgical Referee. We assure you he is not blind and is doing his job to the best of his abilities and whether you feel he has missed a liturgical abuse or that he is being too hard on your pastor we ask that you act charitably on his calls.

Applicants for Liturgical Referee should be well versed in Canon Law as applies to the liturgy, the GIRM and other liturgical documents, and a familiarity with any indults and permissions as set by the local bishop’s conference and the local ordinary. The applicant should also be physically fit so that he will be able to make all off the signals that might be required at a more experimental celebration of the liturgy. Applicants should be familiar with the following liturgical signals.

Example Liturgical Signals
	No Crucifix in sanctuary.
	Liturgical dance detected.
	Member of laity giving homily – to be evicted from lectern.
	Incomplete or no consecration. Occurs when illicit matter is used, wrong formula used, only one of the two elements of bread or wine is not properly consecrated, or no validly ordained male priest/bishop is present. In case where only one element is consecrated a replay is called for.
	Illegal use of hands. Normally called when the celebrant has left the sanctuary to shake everybody’s hands.
	Questionable or just downright heretical theology used in homily. When detected the Liturgical Ref pulls on his lips in a downward direction.
	The "What the heck am my hearing" signal is one of the most common signals and indicates syrupy banal liturgical music or the inappropriate use of secular music such as show tunes and popular music (especially from the seventies).
	Disregarding the prescribed text of the Order of Mass. This is another common liturgical penalty despite the fact that no other person, even if he be a priest, may add, remove, or change anything in the liturgy on his own authority. (Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy)
	Illicit Posture. Usually called when you are being asked to stand instead of kneel or any other poster adaptation not specified by the GIRM or set by your bishop’s conference or licitly specified by your local ordinary.
	Illicit purification of sacred vessels. This is called when the purification of the sacred vessels is done by an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion despite the fact the the Pope revoked the indult in the U.S. for this permission.
	Illicit Participation. Called when too many people are in the sanctuary. For example occurs when EMHC arrive before the fraction rite or when some members of the congregation are invited into the sanctuary to pray with the priest during the consecration.
	Un-Christian Like Conduct. Can be called when elements of other religions contrary to Christianity are introduced such as new age beliefs. Un-Christian Like Conduct is also often called in the parking lot after Mass.
	Illegal Pass. The celebrant is simply not allowed to make a pass at anybody.
	Stole Infraction. Normally occurs when the celebrant wears his stole on top of the chasuble. Another penalty can be added if the celebrant does this and the stole is also horrendously ugly or has an seventies themes.
	Illegal Receiver of Holy Communion. Those who are excommunicated or interdicted after the imposition or declaration of the penalty and others who obstinately persist in manifest grave sin are not to be admitted to Holy Communion.
	Clowns in the sanctuary – run for your life.
	Excessive use of inclusive language. Penalty is thrown when grammatical awkwardness is detected in avoiding male pronouns and every other sentence begins brothers and sisters.

With the presence of the Liturgical Referee you can leave liturgical abuse spotting to the experts and spend your time instead trying to enter the Mass in prayer.

Update: Fr. Philip N. Powell, OP has some other liturgical hand signals not included in the examples above.

Update 2: Some have asked for a version of this they can easily print out. I have created a PDF version of this parody.

There is an ad from the Louisiana Democrat Party currently running against Bobby Jindal that is extremely misleading even by political ad standards.

The Rothernberg Political Report notes:

In one of the hardest hitting – Republicans will undoubtedly say “dirtiest” – television ads aired in history, the Louisiana Democratic Party is accusing Rep. Bobby Jindal of being anti-Protestant.

The bizarre charge is delivered by an unidentified woman in a new Louisiana Democratic Party TV ad produced by Carvin/Seder Communications, a Louisiana-based consulting firm whose clients have included former Governor Edwin Edwards (D-La.), Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius (D) and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin (D).

In the TV spot, the announcer charges that Jindal wrote articles that “insulted thousands of Louisiana Protestants,” and she holds up an article in which she says Jindal “doubts the morals and questions the beliefs of Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Pentecostals and other Protestant religions.”

Captain Ed took a look at the New Oxford Review article the ad was partially based on and found their accusations to have no merit. The article itself is behind a subscription firewall so it is not easy for most people to verify the accusations without paying for the article.

However, the Democrats have proven themselves intellectually dishonest in this attack on Jindal. Their website lies about what Jindal has written, hiding behind NOR’s subscription-only skirts to throw mud at Jindal. The party which sells itself on its supposed tolerance wants to pillory Jindal for his Catholicism and scare up anti-Catholic bigotry through lies and deceit.

You can see the YouTube version of the ad here.

The misleading tactics against this Catholic politician reminds me of another organization.

It also reminds me of the two anti-Catholic bloggers who worked for
the John Edward’s campaign before they got fired.

Edward Tracts

HotAir reports that Jindal’s Wikipedia page is being edited with this smear.

NEW YORK (Roto Reuters) Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and front runner Republican presidential nominee has faced increasing questions on his standing as a Catholic. In recent articles he has responded, saying it was a question that "I prefer to leave to priests." He added that clerics would "have a much better sense of how good a Catholic I am or how bad a Catholic I am."

With increasing questions on this subject Mayor Giuliani has now responded by given a much fuller statement on his views on the subject.

"It all comes down to Thomas Jefferson’s concept of building a wall of separation between church and state as he wrote to the Dansbury Baptists. I have only taken Jefferson’s concept to a personal level. I have built a wall of separation between my actions and my faith. As a mayor and a presidential nominee I know that you are part of the state 24/7 and so all of my actions must be separated from my faith."

"It really can be quite a struggle since for example I am personally opposed to abortion and that wall of separation keeps my donations to Planned Parenthood and appointment of pro-abortion judges while mayor from affecting my faith life. As I have said before I don’t like and in fact hate abortion, but also as I have said before if my daughter going against my personal advice wanted one then I would give her the money for that. That is how separation of actions and faith work."

"Now I can’t take the credit for taking this separation to the personal level. I can thank trailblazers like John F. Kennedy who was quite skilled at keeping his faith contained and separated from his actions. Plus there are a plethora of Catholic politicians that have maintained a high degree of detachment from their personal actions and their personal faith. Though I do have a certain degree of pride by kicking it up a notch by having married three times, supporting homosexual acts, and federal funding of Embryonic Stem-Cell Research while still going to Mass on Sundays and calling myself a Catholic."

"My daughter in fact has learned so well from me that she has separated me as her father from her voting for Obama in the election."

Are you a Catholic liturgist, musician, parish catechist, etc that was part of the sixties generation? Do you look fondly on change for change sake and the exciting climate that theology had gone gonzo and that anything could happen, yet wonder if that wasn’t right? Do you still feel like you want to "stick it to the man" even though you’re "the man" now? That you love Woodstock and the Woodstock Theological Center though you are starting to think that it is more nostalgia then something rational? Are you starting to doubt that progress is a synonym for change and that it might actually need to be measured by some objective standard? Are you actually finding that the do-it-yourself Mass is not quite as helpful to your prayer life that you would have expected? Finally, you want to leave the sixties philosophy behind you, though you still consider it might be a Haight-Ashbury crime to do so?

These feelings are really scary especially when those you labled as "conservative" Catholic are starting to make sense. But you are not alone! There are others that feel these same anxieties. If you experience these symptoms you might be suffering from Liturgical Sixties Disenchantment (LSD). With LSD you might consider doing things like actually reading the documents of Vatican II or even worse the Church’s liturgical documents, but yet you start to flashback to Masses with people sitting around the altar with guitars singing Kumbaya. When you move in a direction where you begin agreeing with the teaching authority of the Church, but are prevented from moving in that direction because of flashbacks to your previous anti-authority and ageism to anything before 1960 – you just might be experiencing LSD. If you now prefer the pipe organ to several guitarists strumming the same old chords in unison, then no doubt you have LSD. Now you just want to "Turn on" Gregorian Chant, "Tune In" to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass properly celebrated and to "Drop out" of your National Catholic Reporter subscription. You might ask how do you drop LSD and get rid of this condition?

Previously this was a difficult process and those who have tried to go cold turkey have had varying levels of success. Syrupy and banal modern Catholic hymns are like a siren’s call continuing bringing you to liturgical shipwrecks crying "Here I am, Lord!" The good news is that you are not on your own anymore!

Introducing Sixtiesdote the antidote to the sixties? Sixtiesdote is guaranteed to cure your addiction to felt banners or your money back! Latin will no longer give you a rash and you can now say "Long live Pope Benedict XVI" and actually mean it! Just one tablet a day and you will be on your way to finding that rubrics are your friends! You will actually start to be glad to see vestments that actually match the liturgical color of the day and happy to see that stoles do not resemble that stack of tye-dye t-shirts you finally threw out.

While using Sixtiesdote make sure you are under a Doctors of the Church care. Whether Teresa of Avila, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, etc a good diet of spiritual reading from these sources will greatly increase your chance of spiritual health and to throw off those residual sixties influences. Their bedside manner is always great since you can keep their books at your bedside for easy access. Sixtiesdote works best when taken with Humanae Vitaemins as part of your daily allowance.

Sixtiesdote is made up of a patented combination of vitamins and minerals such as Wojtyla Karoltene that best enables you to be open to beauty and objective truth without that sixties reflex against even true authority. Often those who suffer from sixties contamination have too much B₃ (Denyasin) in their systems, catechetical deficiencies, and are allergic to anything B₄ 1960. Those with LSD are already on the road to spiritual health and Sixtiesdote helps you get there without severe withdrawal symptoms such as relapsing back to the St. Louis Jesuits.

In just a few short months you will be able to read Dominus Iesus or even attend the extraordinary form of the Mass when it becomes available without incurring sixties panic and other related reactions. Sixtiesdote helps you to join the true counter-culture and be a real radical by fully following Christ and his Church.

CHICAGO — Fearing complacency among the American people over possible terror threats, U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said in Chicago on Tuesday that the nation faces a heightened chance of an attack this summer.

"I believe we are entering a period this summer of increased risk," Chertoff told the Chicago Tribune’s editorial board in an unusually blunt and frank assessment of America’s terror threat level.

"Summertime seems to be appealing to them," he said of al-Qaida. "We do worry that they are rebuilding their activities."

Still, Chertoff said there are not enough indications of an imminent plot to raise the current threat levels nationwide. And he indicated his remarks were based on "a gut feeling" formed by past seasonal patterns of terrorist attacks, recent al-Qaida statements, and intelligence he did not disclose.

Wow I am really amazed at Michael Chertoff’s gut! We could save tons of money in cutting the CIA, NSA, etc and just turn to relying on Chertoff’s gut. Surely we could place some sensors in his gut to detect the current terror level and then broadcast the information and then use this handy chart.

Have you identified yourself as a progressive Catholics and have looked forward to every issue of the National Catholic Reporter and other organs of Catholic dissidents and yet feel yourself moving towards obedience to the Church! Do the words "institutional Church" just not come out of your mouth the same anymore? Is the sneer when you say "hierarchical Church" just not what it was? Do you feel yourself even warming to Pope Benedict XVI and even found his book Jesus of Nazareth brilliant? Have you actually read the documents of Vatican II and actually see the purported spirit of it was a false spirit?

Have you found progressive ecclesiology to be defective and ultimately it leads only to confusion and to everybody being prophetic, but no one being obedient? Have you experienced any of these signs and yet your stomach starts to ache when you even think about obedience to the official teaching magisterium of the Church? Just the thought of a Mandatum still would give you an ulcer? That "Religious submission of mind and of will" makes you grab for a bottle of Pepto Bismal, but to no avail?

Nobody says that obedience is easy, but there is a way to make it easier! The problem is caused by exposure to too many column by Fr. McBrien, Gary Wills, and the like and a resistance to orthodoxy that shows itself in a upset to the stomach lining. This is a common mind-body response that unto now you just had to offer it up!

Introducing Milk of Magisterium from your local Latin Rite Aid.

Milk of Magisterium is primarily used to relieve that upset stomach when your will aligns with the will of the Church. Milk of Magisterium immediately starts acting on tiny bacterial critters know as dissidentium. Often times this can also result in painful cramping and severe diarrhea calleddissentery.

Milk of Magisterium is dosed at approximate 500mg to 1.5g in adults and works by simple dissidentium neutralization, where the Magisterium ions combine with progressive and acidic dissidentium bacteria producing progressive antibodies that works to root out disobedient bacteria and relieve any dissentery.

A half an hour after taking a dose try reading Dominus Iesus and if you experience no stomach upset than you know Milk of Magisterium is working! If you can subsequently say "The liberalization of the Tridentine Rite is a great idea" than congratulations you are cured. If you still have a stomach reaction try prayer and another dose of Milk of Magisterium.

Now to be honest if you are already faithful to the Church and just experience nausea reading some progressive Catholic articles, you don’t need Milk of Magisterium – this is a normal reaction.

Milk of Magisterium also works as a Paxative bringing peace to you system by destroying dissidentium and letting you come to have the joy of not only being faithful to the authentic (accept no substitutes) teaching authority of the Magisterium, but also the joy of digger deeper into the plentiful mysteries of the faith.

So stop by your local Latin Rite Aid for a bottle of Milk of Magisterium and put problems behind you.

VATICAN CITY (Roto Reuters) Thirty-eight new recruits of the Vatican’s elite Swiss Guard goes back to his position after his swearing in ceremony in Paul VI Hall at the Vatican May 6, 2006. The Swiss Guard, founded in 1506, consists of 100 volunteers who must be Swiss nationals, Catholic, single, at least 174 cm (5 feet 8 inches) tall and beardless. New recruits are sworn in every year on May 6, commemorating the date on which 147 Swiss soldiers died defending the Pope during an attack on Rome on May 6, 1527.

This latest swearing in ceremony of Swiss Guards has once again outraged Catholic feminists throughout the world. Be�n of the Women’s Swiss Guard Movement (WSGM) is quite upset that the Pope’s personal guard are made up of single Catholic men only and of a specific nationality. "How exclusive can you get? The problem of soliciting Swiss Guards would go away overnight if only the Pope allowed women guards. Why only single men in the first place. If only they allowed married Swiss Guards the problems of Swiss Guard abuse would also go away overnight."

Ms. Be�n;an plans to help to illustrate this inequality throughout the world by finding women who say they have vocations to the Swiss Guard and then to hold swearing in ceremonies on river boats. "The decision not to include women among his guards says nothing about women as guards except that Jesus, as a Jewish male of his time, knew that the custom and tradition of his day did not allow women to assume guardian roles. By following the prevailing custom Jesus was not precluding a time when women, along with men, could become guards. Recent archaeological evidence from ancient Rome revealed a guard uniform along with matching shoes and handbag thus proving the use of women guards in the ancient Church."

So far though Ms. Be�n plans have not born much fruit. She reported in a recent WSGM newsletter "So far none of the women applicants said they were willing to take a bullet for the pope. Ever since his Dubium in response to questions on Ordinatio Sacerdotalis most of them were more likely to want to put a bullet in him, not take one for him. Plus some of them had problems with the no beard policy – though we are working to get that changed to. One day soon "

Marie Wannabee says she will be one of three women who will be sworn in as Roman Catholic guards in Toronto in a ceremony that will not be recognized by the church.

"This is about social justice. I am passionate about being a guard, Wannabee said "So far there has been a Sistine chapel ceiling preventing women guards from breaking though. "I see a wide gap between the teachings of the Gospel and the legalism of the current church leadership. I want to help renew the church from within."

So far the WSGM has not chosen a name for the new guard unit, but they said the Swiss Miss Guard was out of the question though possibly Swiss Ms. Guard might be in.

* Credit to Kansas City Catholic whose post spawned my own.

* Idea suggested to me by RC at Catholic Light.

Here is a parody from two years ago that still applies unless you live in the Diocese of Boston since Cardinal O’Malley was given a “pastoral sensitivity” exception from the CDW which is not a general dispensation given to all Bishops.

The Old Oligarch has an excellent post on the theological meaning of “The Washing of the Feet”