Parody

Cardinal Mahony has been much in the news today:

Cardinal Roger M. Mahony was ordered today to turn over documents in the secret personnel files of Roman Catholic priests accused of sexually abusing children after a judge rejected his claim that prosecutors were interfering with Roman Catholic Church operations, in violation of the U.S. Constitution.

That was a real strained interpretation of the Constitution. Not surprising with his strained interpretations of Church documents.
Forgive me if I can’t stop laughing hysterically at the opening lines of an article by Cardinal Roger M. Mahony today where he talks about the implementation of Redemptionis Sacramentum.

In the years since the Second Vatican Council my predecessor, Cardinal Timothy Manning, and I have consistently encouraged and supported the celebration of the Liturgy in accord with the spirit and the letter of the Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy, as well as with subsequent official liturgical documents designed to implement that spirit.

Each year the Cardinal sponsor and attends the Los Angeles
Religious Education Congress where all kinds of liturgical shenanigans occur. They might use Redemptionis Sacramentum and the GIRM as a guideline; as a guideline of what not to do. In this part of La La Land they continuously play negative liturgical day where everyday you do the opposite of liturgical documents. Last years conference showcased the Hawaiian liturgy which I had mocked in a previous parody Lei Witness. And of course there were also Masses (refereed to only as liturgies) featuring dancing girls and one of the most horrendous altar cloths I have ever seen.

…In preparation for the great Jubilee 2000, I prepared a Pastoral Letter in order to assist all parishes in planning and celebrating each Sunday Eucharist with the full and active participation by all the people. Released on September 4, 1997, the Feast of Our Lady of the Angels, Gather Faithfully Together: Guide for Sunday Mass sets down timetables for the implementation of the liturgical vision expressed in the Letter. Where this vision has been implemented a new surge of liturgical vitality has unfolded. The primacy of distributing Holy Communion under Both Kinds is emphasized in paragraphs 74 and 169 of the Letter. Many parishes also took the opportunity to renovate their Church sanctuaries to allow for the fuller celebration of the Eucharist and the other Sacraments.

I remember this letter on the Eucharist he wrote which put Mother Angelica into a theological conniption fit. This letter was another of those fuzzy theological letters on the Eucharist that emphasized the Eucharist as meal. While this is true it is only part of the theology of the Eucharist and probably not the most important part. Mother Angelica gave this letter a thorough verbal fisking on her show. So thorough that the Cardinal called her Bishop demanding that she apologize. She did apologize on the following week out of obedience, though I thing the points she raised were exact.

Most of the abuses mentioned in Redemptionis Sacramentum do not pertain to the celebration of the Eucharist in our Archdiocese because of our many efforts to provide intensive and extensive training in proper liturgical norms and practice. However, in order to assist each parish community evaluate its liturgical practices, I am developing a process and a Liturgy Evaluation Form which will allow priests, deacons, religious, parish liturgists and others in liturgical leadership to assess all aspects of liturgical preparation and celebration.

Call me a thorough going skeptic on that statement. I have read and heard many liturgical horror stories in that diocese. I have no way of knowing if these are deviations or norms since I do not live there. But to brag about extensive liturgical norms and practices after hosting multiple highly unorthodox conferences strains belief.

Now I am really intrigued about a Liturgy Evaluation Form. I wonder if it might look something like this.

Did you find the Mass to be:
a. Extremely heretical
b. Mildly heretical
c. somewhat heretical
d. Orthodox
e. Said with reverence
e. Heaven on Earth

Confession is held:
a. On every other leap year
b. When a blue moon occurs
c. Weekly
d. Daily

The Church’s position on abortion and contraception are preached how often:
a. Ciccadas appear more frequently
b. The Church has a position on abortion and contraception?
c. Seasonally
d. Very often

What is your opinion on the liturgical music used:
a. Should be banned under the Constitution as cruel and unusual punishment
b. Great, I always enjoy a Peter, Paul, and Mary moment (as long as they aren’t the ones in the Gospel)
c. I am glad the music is all about my service to God instead of – what do call it – oh yeah worship
d. Pretty good, but I also cheer up listening to elevator music

Your Church most resembles a:
a. Borg ship
b. Concrete Condominium
c. Some architects’s nightmare
c. An actual Catholic Church

How many Extraordinary Eucharist Ministers were in attendance.
a. I don’t know – I have difficulties gauging crowd size
b. More then 100
c. Less then 100
d. Just enough to assist the Ordinary Ministers of the Eucharist
e. Only Ordinary Ministers of the Eucharist were used.

How close was a Crucifix to the altar?
a: In the sanctuary
b. Within the Church

c. Down the street in another Catholic Church

Moscow (Roto Reuters) A desktop icon that for years was on Pope John Paul II’s private laptop returned home to the Russian Orthodox Church on Saturday, a gesture the ailing pontiff hopes will improve relations between the two churches.

Pope John Paull II studies the contested icon.

The 32- by 32-pixel icon, taken to the West after the 1917 Revolution, was presented to the pope by a Catholic group in 1993 and has stayed on his private laptop. It shows the faces of Mary and the infant Jesus surrounded by an elaborately worked out 256 color palette

Close up of icon on the Pope’s laptop.

The original desktop icon, which first appeared in Kazan, Tatarstan, in 1579, is revered by Russian believers for its purported ability to work miracles, including the rout of Polish invaders from Russia in the early 17th century. It hung in the Kazan Cathedral on Red Square and the Kazan Cathedral in St. Petersburg before disappearing.

A Vatican delegation led by Cardinal Walter Kasper handing over the Kazan icon with the Pope’s personal computer to Patriarch Alexy II on Saturday.

Initially there was some confusion about the Our Lady of Kazan icon. When the dispute originally was reported to His Holiness Pope John Paul II he mistakenly thought they were referring to the icon from Kazaa that was previously on his desktop. Kazaa is a peer-to-peer file swapping service. When the pope discovered nobody was sharing Gregorian Chant via P2P he removed the program and deleted the Kazaa icon. When he found out they were in fact referring to his Our Lady of Kazan icon he immediately said that not only would he be willing to give this back to them but if they wanted the "My Computer" or "Recycle Bin" icon, that they could have those also.

"May the Holy Mother of God turn her gaze toward the men and women of our time and may their computers never crash," he continued.

Actions such as these are consistent with the Vatcan II document Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modem World.

Washington, D.C. (Roto Reuters) In a surprising move today President George W. Bush has petitioned a superior court to have his name legally changed. If the District of Columbia (Washington, D.C.) court decides that the requested name change is consistent with the public interest and not detrimental to the interests of anyone else the name change will become official. The President has declared that this name change will be put into effect so that people can more easily differentiate between the presidencies of his father and himself. Mr. Bush had decided to retain his last name and to change his middle name to But and his first name to Anybody. The name change which takes six to eight weeks to process should appear on the presidential ballot officially as Anybody But Bush.

I have a new parody page up here.

Credit goes to RC of Catholic Light for emailing me with the idea for a parody along this line.

My previous parody page called Avazon.com can be found here.

Hi I am Joey Brown the President of the Hamster American Life League (HALL). I am glad to announce that we have finally decided on which candidate to endorse in this year’s presidential election. We were for a while quite uncertain which way to go. None of the candidate returned our questionnaire that dealt specifically with hamster issues like minimum cage laws. I tell you running around all day in a hamster wheel is not what it is cracked up to be. Being a uninsured hamster and knowing that one slip and you were in a financial hurt is no way to live.

I don’t know if I trust President Bush’s selection of pets. Neither Barney the Terrier or Willie the cat look very hamster-friendly. And Ralph Nader in his consumer advocacies has never gone after the Hamster-Wheel lobby even though most of these wheels are unsafe at any speed. Now you might think that Senator Kerry’s pro-abortion record for human children might be an indicator to us about possible hamster issues. But we have found in the past that those who fully support human abortion will fight for baby whales and even unborn turtles in their eggs. In fact while human unborn child killing is legal, eagle and turtle eggs are protected under force of law. Humans are so confusing! So we were undecided as a group until we saw this article. Senator John Kerry once rescued his children’s pet hamster from the sea and gave it the kiss of life, his daughter Alexandra revealed today. Ms Kerry, 30, told how during a family sailing trip, the cage containing their pet, Licorice, was accidentally knocked overboard to a “watery doom”. She was speaking to the Democratic National Convention in Boston, introducing her father to delegates who officially nominated him as the party’s presidential candidate. Ms Kerry told how for most families there would have been an impromptu “funeral at sea” for the pet and tears. But she told how Mr Kerry leapt into the water, hooked the cage from beneath the water’s surface with an oar and administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the tiny rodent. “Like I said, it may sound silly. We still laugh about it today. But to us it was serious, and that’s what mattered to my father,” Ms Kerry said. She added: “The hamster was never quite the same after that but he lived.” Human-hamster mouth-to-mouth! What a great step in human-to-hamster healthcare. Now it is kind of creepy that Licorice the hamster was not quite the same afterwards. Some of us thought that was like the cat in the Stephen King novel that was restored from death via a pet cemetery and was not quite the same afterwards. Regardless, anybody that gives a hamster the kiss of life is just fine in our book. So vote pro-hamster and vote Kerry-Edwards 2004!

If anybody want to use the banner graphic the text area above contains the html code needed.

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But what about those times when you have more documents than
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ABC News states: "On the road, Kerry carries a rosary, a prayer book and a medal with the image of St. Christopher, patron saint of travelers, which he wore during the Vietnam War, according to a longtime associate who demanded anonymity to discuss an issue the candidate did not want to discuss."

Now this sparked my interest in how a life-begins-at-conception, abortion-voting, same-sex-marriage-supporting, embyronic-stem-cell-destruction-supporter Catholic politician might meditate on the mysteries of the Rosary. Possibly Kerry’s fictitious Pius XXIII defined some mysteries that I am unaware of. How do you meditate on the Annunciation where Christ becomes Incarnate and then sponsor a "Clone and Kill" bill? Well thus intrigued I did some research as to what Rosary meditations that he might be carrying along with his prayer book and rosary. So here is the illustrated booklet I found with appropriate meditations.

The Flip-Flop Mysteries

The First Flip-Flop Mystery, The Renunciation
Let it be done unto me according to the results of a focus group. Think about how precious life is and that human life starts at conception. Life is especially precious when you can extract some stem-cells from it before discarding that precious life. How can you be both pro-life and for embryonic stem-cell research? How can you believe that life begins at conception and then fly across country to vote against the fetal-homicide bill. Life is a gift given by God but can be returned to sender by the abortionist. This must be so, since you voted against the partial birth abortion ban. Don’t lose any sleep over these contradictions. This is a mystery and a seeming paradox that will dissipate under the spell of political power.

The Second Flip-Flop Mystery, The Same-Sex Wedding at Cana
As a Catholic Politician you realize that support of same-sex marriage is against your faith, but is fully endorsed by your political party. What can you do to resolve such a situation? You can be a leader and stand against the secular tide and bravely defend the truth of marriage as only being between a man and a women. If you are not quite up to that, then in your decisive leadership make sure you skip the vote on the FMA.

The Third Flip-Flop Mystery, The Crowning of Personally Opposed
Meditate on St. Mario Cuomo who first came out with this line at a conference at Notre Dame at the invitation of the Rev. Richard McBrien. Dwell on this powerful sound-bite that almost sounds rational if not dwelt upon too long (no more than a couple of seconds). Relish the opening "I am personally opposed to abortion" and the the fabulous "but …" This "but" is the giant loophole that you could drive a truck through or a whole political career. While this statement does not stand up to rational scrutiny you can be assured that nobody in the elite media will ever challenge you on this. This is the Emperor’s New Clothes of political statements, yet 60 minutes or morning shows will never point out that you are philosophically naked. Think upon the Gospel accord to Cuomo “to make my religious value your morality? After all you would never want to do any such thing, unless of course it is mandatory Government health care, government funded embryonic stem-cell research, government funded abortion, etc. These are the exceptions that prove the rule; or in this case the rule is all exceptions.

The Fourth Flip-Flop Mystery, No King But Caesar
"I’m not a church spokesman. I’m a legislator running for president. My oath is to uphold the Constitution of the United States in my public life. My oath privately between me and God was defined in the Catholic church by Pius XXIII and Pope Paul VI in the Vatican II, which allows for freedom of conscience for Catholics with respect to these choices, and that is exactly where I am. And it is separate. Our constitution separates church and state, and they should be reminded of that."

"We have a separation of church and state in this country," he told Time. "I don’t tell church officials what to do, and church officials shouldn’t tell American politicians what to do in the context of our public life."

The Fifth Flip-Flop Mystery, The Institution of the Eucharist
Partaking of the Sacramental Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus in the Eucharist is the source and summit of the Catholic faith. Thus it is only between you and God and no meddling Bishops who think their job is to actually pass on to teach you the faith. There is separation of Church and State (don’t bother looking for it in the Constitution) and if they try to get you to change your views you will smite them with the mighty IRS with the threat of the removal of tax exempt status.

Meditate on this statement of Blessed Pelosi "’I fully intend to receive Communion, one way or another. That’s very important to me,’’I believe that my position on choice is one that is consistent with my Catholic upbringing, which said that every person has a free will and has the responsibility to live their lives in a way that they would have to account for in the end.’"

Or Rep. Clay who said that if a priest refused him communion, "I would stand there."

How dare anyone say you are not in Communion with the Church just because you support, abortion, contraception, homosexual marriage, embryonic stem-cell research, and human cloning.
What communion hath light with darkness? Well who cares, your presenting yourself for Communion anyway.

Now if you happen to be campaigning in St. Louis – home of Communion denying Archbishop Burke what do you do. Do you (A) bravely stand on your conscience and go to Communion knowing that you are a good Catholic. Or (B) not fulfill your Sunday obligation by slinking away to a non-Catholic Church instead. Photo below is option B.

In reference to my post on Receiving Communion Anyways
I thought I would put it into some historical context. Back in the days of King David there was also a similar campaign. A guy named Uzzah was not thrilled with the ceremonial laws regarding Ark carrying and started a campaign in protest.

This was a very short lived campaign and though not recorded I believe Uzzah’s last words were "Oops!"