Parody

In this this day and age there are increasing threats to your MOS (Moral Operating System). Everywhere you look in the culture are moral viruses and immoral messages disguising themselves as movies, television shows, books, advertisements etc. Downloading to your eyes what at first appears to be valid program you might be surprised at all the bad content piggybacking on it. This sinware is bombarding your MOS constantly. What is sinware? Simply sinware is immoral information associated with content that is being downloaded to your MOS via the optic or aural bus without your specifically realizing it. Sinware has always been around and was first accidentally downloaded via an apple.

What can you do about sinware? Since becoming a hermit is not the vocation that most of us are called to we must rely on other methods to eradicate sinware. Previous non-technological models included an examination of conscience and repentance. Unfortunately for many the conscience component of their MOS have been corrupted by Sinware causing a conscience status report to detect no sins when in fact the MOS has been totally compromised.

Due to an amazing new breakthrough in technology using cranial nanobots and an associated software program you will soon be on your way to having a sinware free MOS. Introducing Sinbot Search & Destroy 2.0! Install Sinbot S&D on your computer, swallow the included vial of nanobots, and connect the receiver via the USB (Universal Sinners Bus) your computer. Run Sinbot S&D and follow these simple instructions.

Click on "Check for Moral Problems" and fill out the included examination of conscience checklist. Check all the apply.

This step will only be required the first time you run Sinbot S&D since the nanobots must first be calibrated to the peculiarities of your MOS. On subsequent program operations the checkboxes will be filled in automatically. Once satisfied of your current sinful state click Continue.

A list of sins both venial or mortal will be listed in order of MOS threat. You will then print out this checklist and present it to a Sacramental Delivery System (a priest) or you may go online at e-fession. You will need to supply your own contriteness (contriteness not included) and to carry out the penance given. You can then verify that all sinware was successfully eradicated by running another MOS scan.

In addition to sinware, Sinbot – S&D can also detect other MOS threats.

Theological Trojan Horses are theological programs that appear to be good on the outside and you take them into your home. Subsequently though they cause massive destruction of your faith via watered down theology and conformance to the culture. Many of these programs have been taken into churches so beware. Theological Trojan Horses can normally be detected because the theology makes you feel good without actually having to change anything about yourself or your natural beliefs.

Moral viruses. Here is an example list of some covered viruses and removal techniques.

• Chittister Virus: Especially vicious causing you to constantly want to dialogue and question everything but your own tendencies. Burning the National Catholic Reporter is a good first step in eradication this virus.
• Liturgical Abuse Virus: This is pandemic and especially hard to eliminate since it’s spread is caused by progressive contact. A good whacking with the GIRM might help, but more likely prayer and fasting is in order.

So make sure your MOS is protected in this increasingly adverse environment by buying Sinbot – Search & Destroy at your nearest Catholic book store. Act now before it is too late before your MOS is shut down and sent to a hotter climate.

* Blogger Credit: This post was inspired by TSO’s post here.

Looking around your parish do you have homilies that could have been copied out of Ms. Magazine? Are your chances of hearing the words Father, Son, and Holy Spirit less than that of being hit directly by a metorite? Have architects transformed your church so much that you now are tempted to genuflect when you enter a gymnasium? Could your parish Religious Educator have possibly been burned at the stake as a heritic in a previous century? Are you more likely to have a leotard Sunday instead of Laetare Sunday? If you answered in the affirmative to any of these questions then who are you going to call?

Yes Spirtbusters! Here are Cardinals Ratzinger and Arinze battling something much more fierce than Gozar or the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, yes it is a sound system broadcasting syrupy and theologically confused dreck from the Gather hymnal. Don’t worry, they did survive the encounter using special Cannon Law Cannons they deposessed the sound system and contained the Spirit of Vatican II within a special containment system guaranteed to withstand modernism and constant dialoging. So faster than Cardinal Ratzinger can say “proportionate reasons” or Cardinal Arinze can deny a Rainbow Sash wearer from receiving Holy Communion the Spirit of Vatican II can be demolished.

Cue Ray Parker Jr and theme..

Spiritbusters…
If there’s somethin’ strange in your parish church
Who ya gonna call (spiritbusters)
If the lyrics are wierd and it don’t sound good
Who ya gonna call (spiritbusters)

I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist
I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist
In the homily you can’t believe what was said
Who can you call (spiritbusters)
Where sound theology surely has fled

Oh who ya gonna call (spiritbusters)
I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist
I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist
Who ya gonna call (spiritbusters)
Contact the Vatican or pick up the phone
An call (spiritbusters)

I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist
I hear it likes labyrinths
I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist
Who you gonna call (spiritbusters)
Mm…if you’ve had a dose
Of inclusive degendered language
You better call spiritbusters
Orthodoxy makes me feel good
I ain’t afraid a no post-modernist

Don’t get caught alone oh no…spiritbuster
When he comes through your door
Shoutin’ he want to dialog some more
I think you better call spiritbusters
Ooh… who you gonna call (spiritbusters)
Who you gonna call (spiritbusters)
Ah, I think you better call (spiritbusters)

Are you an ardent game player and committed Catholic and upset with many games for their contents. Have you longed for true religious gaming or just great gaming action without scantily clad buxom blonds all over the place? Unfortunately most religious themed games have been rated L for Lame. That is until now with the introduction by Jesterware of the t box. This gaming system has dual Pentium IV 3 MHz chips with 256 MB of pixel pumping demon stomping power. 3D sound and an ethernet connection will ensure your youth groups will never be the same again.

Have you ever been in the middle of an intense game and realized you needed to go pray the Liturgy of the Hours or the Rosary? No problem simply press the Jesus icon on the controller and the game is saved (Jesus Saves!). Case is waterproof so you don’t have to worry about accidental Holy Water spills.

Are specially constructed cross-controllers will help you to pick up your cross daily for hours on end while you put on the whole armor of God and blast every adversary within sight. Included with your purchase are two of our latest games.

Grand Theft Theology

In This challenging game you play one of a variety of progressive theologian anti-heros. Not very likable characters but boy do they wreck theological havoc and what else do you want for you gaming experience. You can choose Charles Curran, Gregory Baum, George Tyrrell, Alfred Loisy, Teilhard de Chardin, and (in more advanced gaming versions) Karl Rahner. If you are not ready for serious theological dissenters you can start in beginners mode with Fr Richard McBrien. While playing and driving you own sports car popemobile (after all each theologian is their own pope) you look for available weapons to cause the most destruction such as obfuscation, watered-down theology, theological buzzwords to instantly disarm and confuse your opponents. Watch for the Spirit of Vatican II Power Pill which instantly enhances your powers and causes all those in you path to lay down in confusion. To score the highest points you must become adept at choosing words and phrases that makes you appear to follow church teaching when you are not. For example if an opponent comes at you with "abortion is murder" be ready to instantly destroy them with a "seamless garment" paralyzing ray or the "proportional reasons" blaster. Skilled players will make it appear that it is the Church that is unfairly persecuting them when in fact they are dissenting from traditional church teachings. You must drive from church to church spreading heresy and to gain maximum points get on the speed dial for a secular reporter. Be aware of vans marked "Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith" because these contain Ratzinger’s Raiders and if you are caught will result in "Game Over." If in pursuit duck into any Catholic University where they will provide covering fire with "Academic freedom" machine guns.

Eternal Doom

This is the first in a series of First Person Looters (FPL). In this exciting fast-paced game you play a modern day liturgical architect know as the Wreckovator (Arnold as the Terminator was a wimp in comparison.) Your goal is to totally destroy a church by removing the kneelers, communion rail, high altar, statues and anything else standing. Not only do you not face imprisonment for such massive destruction, you will even receive a good salary. No more will architectural consultants be known as wimps. As you move through the church look for axes, jackhammers, power saws and other equipment to do your work. Look carefully for the EACW (Environment and Art in Catholic Worship) for maximum damage. While this unapproved bishop’s document might look unassuming, believe me it has been quite destructive in the past and has reduced whole sanctuaries to voids faster than you can say Fr. Vosko. Iconoclasm was never so fun.

This is highly demanding game play and you have to avoid pesky liturgical conservative who go wining to the Vatican when you dig in. Here is a real world example of what you can aspire for in Wreckovation game play. Here are shots of the Sacred Heart Cathedral in the Diocese of Rochester and the very pulpit from which Archbishop Fulton Sheen preached.

Before

After

Not every gamer can get to this level right away but keep pressing your joystick and activating your jackhammers and you will get there in no time.

* Credit: Concept for Grand Theft Theology was sent to my by I. Shawn McElhinney of Rerum Novarum.

Outspoken Melbourne priest Fr Bob Maguire was a guest on youth radio station Triple J on Sunday night when host John Saffran invited callers to take part in radio confessions.

Three listeners rang in, confessed on air, and were given penance by Father Maguire.

But Vicar General of the Melbourne Archdiocese Monsignor Les Tomlinson said the church regards radio confessions as inappropriate because they break the secrecy seal of the confessional. He said there could be severe repercussions for a priest who broke the seal, including defrocking or excommunication.

"The penitent may choose to reveal the contents of their confession, but the priest can never break the seal of the confessional, and that includes broadcasting it on radio," Monsignor Tomlinson said.

Monsignor Tomlinson said the callers’ sins would not have been forgiven because the official words of absolution were not used, and was concerned the callers may have believed they had received real absolution.

The church has long resisted calls for phone confessions, insisting the rite be kept personal. Monsignor Tomlinson said radio confessions could also embarrass a third party who had not consented to being identified. [Source]

The question of hearing confession with the confessor and the penitent being physically present to each other came up fairly soon after the widespread use of the telephone. The answer given was no and it would apply to any form of communication where people are not physically present. The answer given in the article is not really the main reason why this is denied. The following is a good explanation of why this is.

When we go to the Gospels and watch Jesus at work ministering to people, we notice that in his ministry of the forgiveness of personal sins, Jesus was always physically present to that person: up close and personal, we might say. Read for example Mark 2,1-12 or John 8,1-11. When we remember that every Sacrament is a personal encounter with the Lord in and through the person of the minister, that ministerial-person must be very present to us, "right next to us", so to speak. This cannot be done on the phone or by email. And since each Sacrament is also an action of the Church, the minister (in this case, the priest) is that personal presence of the Church to us. That important personal ecclesial dimension would be missing on the phone or in email. Confession, mid-20th century. Many churches today have small chapels where people can meet face to face, if they wish, with the confessor, or from behind a screen.

That being said it makes me wonder what could have happened if sacramental confession did not have to be in person.

So without further adieu I bring you e-fession.

Here is a list of my best parodies during the year of 2004. I created the list in the order in which they originally appeared and were chosen based on how heavily they were linked to, commented on, or emailed.

Mad Cowl Disease
Porpoise Driven Life
Egbert & Pope
Mary’s Fiat
Fallen Nature Monitor
Missal Defense
John Kerry’s Medal Toss
New Communion Technology
Facial the Nation
Ave Maria Oratory
Slippery Slope Publishing Presents
Lei Witness Magazine
Our Lady of the Perpetually Okay Church
Lee Press-On Spine
Pope-in-a-bag
New Religious Accessories
Bottled Water for Sunday only Christians
In-Sin-erator™
Ramadan Inn
Communion Litmus Test
The Seculizer
New Rosary Mysteries
Episcopal Advisory Explicit Theology
Camp Nonbelief
Vatican Sports
Our Lady of Kazaa
Rome Depot
If Ezekiel were a columnist
MS Forger
Voter’s Guide for Cafeteria Catholics
Road Sign Catechism
Liturgical Dysfunction (LD)
American Vocation
Jack Chick-fil-A
Always our mistresses

Updated: Fixed bad links

I have watched with interest our culture developing over the last thirty years as one cultural taboo after another fell to our modern society. Much progress has been made yet there is still one behavior that is still stigmatized. Those of us who suffer from Multiple Partner Attraction are still mocked and ridiculed and while we are partially accepted we are still the scorn of many. I wish to come out hiding from the bedroom closet and announce myself as a proud adulterous american. I take this brave step knowing that I will be attacked, but I do it so that future generations of adulterers can proudly take to the streets and bedrooms of our country without being branded with the scarlet A as if it was morally wrong.

There is an unreasonable hatred to those with adulterous tendencies and I term it stray-from-home-aphobia. Too long have us adulterers suffered violence at the hands of husbands and wives. There are so many movies and shows where we are spreading our love to those and need and their unrational angry partner returns home and kill us. Is there shock at this discrimination? No, in fact the murder of adulterers is even seen as justice being served. This is totally hateful and uncaring to those of us with adulterous tendencies. Where are the social action movies-of-the-week that proclaim love and acceptance of your spouses temporary partners. This movies incite violence towards adulterers and yet there is no outcry. We are forced to sneak in and out of bedrooms instead of freely being able to walk in and out. Is it any wonder the suicide rate among adulterers is so high? That we are always suffer from nervousness and concern about some husband with a shotgun perforating our backsides?

If you leave your family to take up with your next soul-mate you are hated by your ex-spouse and children. Yet if you do the same thing and marry someone of the same sex you are allowed to become an Episcopal Bishop. There is such a double-standard in today’s society that embraces one group but distances itself from the other. Our whole language uses words that show adultery in an unfavorable light. Harsh terms like "caught" in adultery as if we should be shamed of our natural tendencies. Our children as a result of extra-marital proclivities are ostracized and labeled bastards instead of being freely accepted as a bonus to their families by varying their gene pool.

Argument from nature: In the animal kingdom we don’t see this irrational prejudice against animal who mate with multiple animals. Nature shows emphasized that the strongest male gets their picks and how this both helps and protects the community. Why is a behavior that is so prevalent among the animals of the earth not accepted by the thinking animal? Why is what God has made the natural instinct for so many shunned by humans?

We are born this way: Some of us have a genetic predisposition to the wondering eye. Common sense observations will show you that very early people start noticing the opposite sex. They do not latch on to just one to think about, but will often try to date as many as they can. This is a natural proclivity and it is only outdated society mores that force relationships into seeming monogamy. Many couples on the outside appear to be forced into this model but privately live outside of it. This shaming of individuals just forces them to lie and to live a hypocritical life instead of openly living out how they naturally feel. Currently there is no medical research proving this to be true – regardless it is true.

Hate Speech: The language used towards adulterers is very judgmental and negative. Our actions are portrayed as cheating, cuckold, backdoor man, playing around, infidelity, unfaithfulness. These words enforce a negative stereotype and incite hate when discovered. Even when we leave one spouse and start another family we are still called such things as serial adulterers. The fact is we have nothing against marriage and in fact are willing to have more then one. If you feel differently please keep your morals off my body.

Equal Access: If your mistress is injured and you go down to the hospital to see them – often you are barred by the staff for not being close family. This hateful attitude is extremely cruel during these difficult times Even if you are allowed in you are sneered at by other family members as if you are not a valid part of their extended family. What is worse is that most insurance plans will not cover your mistress and her medical plan will not cover you. This is just pure discrimination of adulterous relationships.

Live your own life: If you feel that you want to be with only one partner for your whole life, then that is fine for you. But please don’t enforce your values on me and making me stay home and to be faithful to my spouse and committed to my children. This is something that is just not possible for us to do – so why force us into your lifetime fidelity mold.

Throughout the centuries: In previous times adulterers have been murdered, stoned to death, mutilated, and imprisoned. This still happens today in some countries. In modern times society has become more advanced and reduced many of these society enforced penalties, yet vigilante justice still occurs and people will look the other way just because the person had a wandering eye.

Organized Religion: Religion has been used time and time again as an excuse to oppress adulterers. People who are unable to keep their spouse from straying blame the third party instead. They should thank us instead for providing a valuable service and indicator of the strength of their marriage. Some people will ask about seemingly scriptural passages that condemn adultery.

The Ten Commandment proscription against adultery is obviously passed. We are living in the new testament so that Old Testament stuff can be safely ignored since they also proscribed the eating of shrimp.

King David was punished by God not for adultery but for murder. If adultery had been accepted he would not have felt it necessary to kill Bathsheba’s husband. God punished him but he was allowed to retain her in his house.

Jesus said in reference to divorce "but from the beginning it was not so." Well obviously if there is only Adam and Eve it was not possible to commit adultery. So it might have been easy enough for them but there is a larger pool or resources now.

Jesus prevented a violent stoning of the women caught in adultery. Many people confuse Jesus’s admonition "go and sin no more" as directed towards adultery. Actually this was just a general warning against sin and not specifically adultery.

The many references of Jesus saying do not commit adultery should be taken in the spiritual sense. The Old Testament unfairly used adultery as a parallel to not being faithful to God. There is only one God so we truly can’t commit adultery with another God. So just remember that biblical adultery is only a reference to faithfulness to God not an actual condemnation of human forms of adultery.

We must work to bring our faith communities into the modern world and to live behind these vestiges of dark-ages prejudices. The Roman Catholic Church is the worst of them all in their flexibility on adultery. They actually want people to se it as a disorder and a grave sin and force people to admit their natural proclivities in the confessional. Progress has been made but the embedded Church hierarchy is still hateful towards adulterers.

We are all God’s children and beloved by God so why all this venom directed towards us.

What can we do to change attitudes: I suggest that we organize adultery pride parades. That we march down the street with our various mistresses showing just how well-adjusted we truly are. We can march naked, wearing leather, or dressed up like nuns. This approach is counter intuitive in that you would think it would have a negative affect on paraded viewers. The opposite has been born out as true and the more decadent you appear the more likely you are to have another parade next year.

We should all meet yearly in Orlando and announce a Disney Adultery Days. Possibly the date could be set to February 16, 2004 President’s Day since many presidents were also secretly and not-so-secretly part of our group. We could put pressure on Disney to give Mickey other choices then just Minnie.

Petition Bravo, Showtime and other channels to portray adulteress characters not as stereotypes but as sympathetic and likeable characters. This will go along way to modify societal prejudices against adulteress persons. Many plots involve adultery and yet it is rarely favorable. Too often we have movies like Fatal Attraction that displays adulterers as vindictive psychopaths. We would like to see husbands interrupting a tryst and apologizing for invading their privacy. Children should be shown that the extra adult visiting at times not as something shameful but perhaps as a source of gifts and other benefits.

We must rebuff and show as unscientific all attempts at reparative psychology that tries to force us into monogamous relationships. Adultery is not a defect but is a perfectly valid lifestyle.

In our faith communities we can educate families and friends of adulterers to encourage acceptance since we all all God’s children. We can remind them about casting the first stone and that they shouldn’t be judgmental. By informing them about how we have been mistreated in the past by the institutional church they will realize that the church needs not to be against societal progress but open minded and welcoming. Sufficient dialog will enable appreciation of the value of adulterers to society.

We must not lose heart but remain strong. If someone thirty years ago had proposed to me that I come out of the bedroom closet, I would have said they were crazy. Progress on the societal front has encouraged me to come out and to help destroy this vestige of society prejudice. When we all are free to cavort as we want then all will be free.

Now anybody seeing this advertisement would be highly suspicious of these amazing claims. They would notice that no reputable scientist supports these claims and that there is no research showing that stem-cell phones would actually work. Why then is it that with the same outlandish claims and circumstances that people have become so convinced of ESCR?

The Shrine of the Holy Whapping has produced the greatest Catholic parody song ever.

Set my pollsters free!

There has been much discussion on what Hugh Hewitt has called Oompa-LoompaGate. His callers had many suggestion for the possible motives for the overnight color change.

An e-mailer suggests it is just Kerry turning colors for the fall. Another writes that Kerry just wants to declare "Ich bin ein Pumpkiner." A third says its a play for the Great Pumpkin vote. And finally, one suggests it is just nature’s pumpkin cycle:
Blooms and grows in July.
Turns Orange in September.
Carved up in October.

Thrown out in November.

At first I thought it might be some strange synergistic effect between Kerry and Michael Jackson’s skin. Kind of a racial Picture of Dorian Gray. But I decided to put on my pajamas and do some investigative reporting and so I put together this story board based on what actually happened.

Update: And here is a Rim Shot from the blog Why Fret? I do appreciate a blog with bad guitar puns in the title.