Parody

Bill Cork reports that the infamous St. Joan of Arc parish in Minneapolis now has a new pastor appointed – Fr. Jim DeBruycker. It had previously looked liked the Interim Parish Life Administrator might be the diocese solution for this problematic and virtually schismatic parish. Unfortunately the choice of Fr. Jim DeBruycker who has been a regular for presider for Dignity at the Newman Center looks like more of the same. Dignity is of course organization that hawks pro-homosexual activity and same-sex marriage agenda – the antithesis of a group like Courage that is faithful to Church teaching. The fact that St. Joan’s had previously asked him to interview for them doesn’t exactly give you a warm feeling about his orthodoxy. St. Joan’s wanting you is like an anti-imprimatur.

Though I have been working on exercising my charitable imagination as to why the Bishop might decide that a vibrant and orthodox priest was not what St. Joan’s truly needed. Possibly he is using an approach like a nicotine patch. That is he will slowly wean the congregation at St. Joan’s away from their heterodoxy with a succession of more and more faithful pastors. After the wildly heterodox Fr. Wertin’s who participated in gay pride parades and constantly invited politicians whose goals were quite discordant from the Church to speak maybe Fr. DeBruycker will be an improvement. Since Fr. DeBruycker is a priest that was about to retire this won’t be any kind of long term replacement and maybe the priest who succeeds him will even accept the Church’s teaching on marriage and homosexuality. Maybe even one day you could even find a catechism within the wall of St. Joan’s of Arc without them running in horror.

Though I do like the idea of a nicotine patch approach and maybe we could see a product lie this soon (we can only hope).

Because instead of going "cold turkey" the DissiDerm RC patch helps your theological system to slowly wean itself from watered-down Catholicism and the columns of Fr.Greeley. If your theological immune system has been weakened by years of theological abuse and your tired of your theology stinkin’ up the place then DissiDerm RC is for you.

Just use one of our specially made patches once a day and in no time at all you can look at a picture of our Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI without cursing! Sound too good to be true? Then just listen to just some of our satisfied customers.

Echo Thoren a member of SJA who works securing the 1000 plastic seats for Mass in the gym was rather hesitant about the DissiDerm, but had this to say "When I first tried using DissiDerm oh it burned and burned and so I had to use one of the weaker patches. I am surprised at the results. I actually said Father, Son, and Holy Spirit without injecting feminine pronouns or substituting the divine names with other nouns like creator, redeemer, and sanctifier without breaking out in too much of a sweat. Though there are side effects. I can no longer appreciate the Masses held in the gym like I use to and I actually found myself thumbing through a book by George Weigel!"

Read this amazing testimonial by Fr. Richard P. McBrien from the University of Notre Dame. "One of my students of whom I know suspect must be connected to this blog tricked me by telling me that this patch was really the latest in protest badges and that this white round sticker symbolized the Eucharistic host and specifically solidarity with women who were not allowed to be priests. I can’t tell you the contrary feelings it caused as my theologically heterodox immune system fought it with all it could muster. I knew something was wrong when I started looking around for my old clerical collar to wear. I was proofreading one of the columns I was about to send in and I noticed something wrong with it. It diverged substantially from the consistent truth as taught by the Church Jesus established and just quite frankly stunk. I started looking through my old columns and was horrified to find what I had wrote throughout the years was equally mediocre. I must have been theologically insane to utter such trite nonsense and I don’t understand why anybody put up with this vapid silliness for all these years. I rewrote my column using sources like the Fathers of the Church and other rich veins of Catholic thought from our magnificent tradition, though unfortunately for the first time the National Catholic Reporter rejected my column. I am even thinking of submitting it to the National Catholic Register instead? Thank you DissiDerm RC!"

Cardinal Roger Michael Mahony Archbishop of Los Angeles. "I volunteered as a test subject just to prove how ridiculous this concept was. After a week I was convinced that it indeed had no effect on me, but when I drove to the Cathedral I found some concrete monstrosity resembling a parking garage. I had at first though I drove to the wrong place and then I realized that not only was this hideous looking thing a Cathedral but that I was the one that was responsible for having it built. All I can say is mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Now if you will excuse me I am off to re-read what has now come to be one of my favorite encyclical Redemptionis Sacramentum and to encourage some of my parish churches to be open to the indult Tridentine Mass and to ensure that all Masses our reverent and conducted in conformance to Church instruction."

Yes you too will be amazed at the results as you go from heterodoxy to orthodoxy. That you actually find yourself believing in the resurrection of Christ and that your a sinner in need of redemption. Words like dialogue and phrase lik "Christ event" will drop from your vocabulary, though don’t blame us if your subscription to Commonweal no longer makes sense to you. Buy now and receive a free hardcover Catechism which will be sent to you after you have been on the program for a minimum of two weeks so as not to cause a theological shock. Instead of being watered-down be born of water and spirit and rejoice in the splendor of truth.

Clayton at Weight of Glory posted the following from the infamous St. Joan of Arc parish in Minneapolis.

I, like many of you, have had my own struggles with our parish transition and knowing that we have completed only part of the journey. I have known for quite some time about George’s retirement plans and yet it was a shock when it finally became real. I didn’t want to let go of him. I barely made it through my farewell remarks about George at the Friday night celebration without crying.

When I was asked to be on the transition team, I was honored and yet worried about keeping 4500 households happy when I knew we really would have much work and responsibility, maybe a little influence and no authority and no control. I feel a great weight from the worries that sit in the midst of our parish life about who will be sent to us and if he will be a fit. I’m hurt that it has to be a him and can’t be a her. I’m frustrated that after seeking out and interviewing 30 people that we haven’t secured the right fit. I have been confused and upset over Jim’s not being appointed. I can’t help the emotions. They just happen. But, spiritually, I have to decide what I am going to do with those emotions. There is the challenge.

For myself, I have continually found peace and faith and trust with my transition team partners. I have trust in the universe and the God that can hold us, just like the water holds the swimmer. I have vast trust in the resiliency of this entire community that no matter who comes here we will gain in our spiritual journey from that person in unpredictable ways. The new pastor will gain much from us and be influenced by us. That happened with George and with other pastors that we have had. It will happen again. I am not afraid that we will have an appointee who will challenge our deepest essence. We will remain Joan of Arc but in a new shell and we will all swim together. We are not alone. We are in a trustworthy world even when the temporary darkness seems threatening.

I feel called to act as a member of a peace church even when I feel threatened. I challenge myself to not create enemies where there are none. To the degree there is concerns with the hierarchy, I’m trying to practice love, the serenity prayer and integrate that with the Buddhist practice of nonattachment and I all I know from the Theory of Everything that I teach.

Clayton emailed me and asked "They’re looking for a new pastor, and I think it’s something like looking for a new Golden Calf to worship." Well he is right and I do wonder about the situation there. Is it really true that they are interviewing for a new pastor? As far as I know it would be the bishop who would appoint the pastor and the idea of this very heterodox parish interviewing and rejecting 30 people smacks of what occurs in many Protestant churches where the congregation votes on to approve a new pastor. The chance of this parish selecting a priest faithful to the church is about the same as Barbara Streisand singing at the 2008 Republican conventions.

The israelites fell into idolatry when instead of waiting for Moses decided to return to their previous Pagan practices while in Egypt. The parishioners of St. Joan of Arc’s will also not listen to the Pope or their bishop and have also returned to Pagan practices. The Israelites fell back into the practices of the society they were raised in and this parish has also fallen to the recidivistic practices of our society. Aaron in his weakness went along with the people’s requests even though he knew it was not right. I would not cast Archbishop Harry J. Flynn totally as an Aaron, but he has allowed this parish to fester and spread its error with minimal rebukes and even when the pastor was finally relieved the diocese said it was just a normal retirement.

Now considering that this parish is interviewing priests for "the right fit" it makes me wonder what their help wanted ad might look like.

Actually after reading their home page the above parody is mild by comparison. You would think with a parish of so many gifted individuals that they might be able to create a web site that wasn’t just plain ugly.

WASHINGTON DC (Roto Reuters) With news this week that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said "The federal government should fund embryonic stem cell research" that uses leftover embryos from fertility clinics. Pro-life Republicans were initially shocked by this turn of events and surprised that he both says that life begins at conception and that we can use this leftover embryos because they were going to die anyway. Sen Frist further said:

"I also strongly believe, as do countless other scientists, clinicians and doctors, that embryonic stem cells uniquely hold specific promise for some therapies and potential cures that adult stem cells just cannot provide,"

After the initial surprise has warn off some have wondered about the possible use of embryonic stem-cells to cure a host a problems. Embryonic stem-cells are pluripotent and can eventually specialize in any bodily tissue. "What if we were able to grow spines in the Republican leadership?" said John Miltom from Americans for a Strong Republican Leadership. "Sure adult stem-cell have actually cured people and have even helped to heal those with damaged spines. But wouldn’t you actually have to have a spine first for adult stem-cells to work? This would be a non-starter for the current GOP leadership today since we need to grow whole spines from scratch."

Though even some enthusiastic embryonic stem-cell proponents are not willing to jump on the bandwagon for the possibility of growing whole spines just yet. Dr. M. Brie Onyx stated that "Even when we do get to this point it is highly doubtful that these spines could be implanted successfully. There is a very high chance that these spines would be rejected since the GOP leadership has always been immune to spine cells. Treatments used to suppress their immune system would leave them weak and incoherent – meaning that they would be right back to their present condition."

In late March of 2004 the design of the church for Ave Maria took heat from pundits (including me) for both an ugly design and the silliness of creating a glass building in Florida.

With the announcement of a newer design for the oratory critics are still not happy. Though critics have decided that it sucks less than the original so obviously progress is being made.

The design team feed up with the comments have decided that a more traditional approach was necessary but were hesitant to totally scrap the design. To return to old time religion what better than to appeal to old time radio and thus the new design concept has been unveiled.

The interior has also been redesigned to follow the new theme.

Soon be be unveiled will be the all new "Radio Stations of the Cross" to decorate the interior. Mass reading will be read by a professional announcer unseen by the participants and a sound effects crew armed with sheet metal for thunder and other sound effect props will be used to assist the priest in bringing the homilies alive. The clip-clop sound using coconuts can be used to bring St. Paul’s conversion alive just prior to his falling off a horse which of course can be followed up with the crashing sounds as he hits the ground. The new radio theme will be used to bring about radio-active participation as called for by Vatican II.

The trend in recent years has been to have women’s ordination ceremonies at sea. Until now these ceremonies have been low-key on smaller boats such as in the following example.

While this option might be fine for some, why not go for the full extravaganza. We at Princess Priestess Cruise Lines are here to fill that niche and provide you with a quality and relaxing ordination experience. In fact send in your entries now for our priestess sweepstakes!

Yes you can win a seven day and seven night cruise on our latest beautiful addition the Sea Priestess. No more cheap river boats moored on the Danube River between Germany and Austria like the seven women ordained in June of 2002 or like the latest example in international waters between the Ontario and United States border. Do it with dash and panache with one of our custom packages.

With either our priestly or episcopal women’s ordination packages you have your choice between a "women bishop" or your choice of a male bishop from a schismatic sect such as the Old Catholic Church. Your ordination will be videotaped from our crew documentary cameraman so that you can share the joy of your ordination with friends and others over and over again. Check out the colorful stoles worn by some our crew bishops! Our specially trained crew knows how to do it right and no one will bring up Ordinatio Sacerdotalis while your with us.

After your ordination relax and join into our karaoke party and sing songs such as On Eagles Wings, Ashes, and Faith of our Mothers to your hearts delights. We also provide a free snack bar with crackers and kool aid.

Ordinations can be really long and tiring so we provide special mattresses made out of felt banners with those syrupy messages you learned and loved in 1970’s Catholic schools. Here are some recently ordained women enjoying their nap time.

After a restful nap come to our chapel and celebrate your first Mass and select from a range of stoles from simple white to color coordinated stoles, shoes, and handbags.

And to make your ordination experience complete we will include a framed excommunication letter from the Bishop of your diocese at no extra cost! So why wait? Act now, after all Pope Benedict XVI isn’t going to change Scripture, Apostolic tradition, and 2000 years of constant teaching just for you anytime soon. Nothing to lose but to enjoy your very own ordination cruise with memories and keepsakes for years to come. Instead of being a stowaway you will be a stole-away from becoming a priestess. Instead of the Holy See be on the Holy Sea on the Bark of Petrina.

But that is not all! Check out our Olympic size baptism pool! Nothing is like a full immersion baptism off a diving board. Start with your first sacraments in style. We at Priestess Cruise Lines will do everything to make your ordination cruise memorable and fun. So call now while it is still summer for our latest priestess cruise package.

* Hat tip to RC at Catholic Light for suggesting something along this line to me.

Karen Hall is having a caption contest, so go there and add your own.

Here are some of my suggestions.

• "I know there is a tabernacle somewhere in the Cathedral."
• "Have you seen my moral compass?" (I stole that one from the tagline of Karen’s old blog Disordered Affections)
• "I know I left my faith around here somewhere."
• "Quick hide – the Pope is coming!"
• "The Cardinal takes cover as several whirling liturgical dances spin out of control"

You’ve have heard such songs a “Gather Us In” by Marty Haugen and “Blest Are They” by David Haas that are so sickly sweet that you were sure you gained a couple of pounds listening to them in your church.
So sweet that you wish they were a flavor of ice cream. Well wish no more because Marty Haugen and David Haas have teamed together to do to your taste buds what they have done to your ear drums. All of are flavors include nuts in fact just like the appreciators of modern liturgical music it is chock full of nuts.

Introducing Haugen-Haas Ice Cream!

	Dissimint Will dialogue with your taste buds and argue with you all the way down your throat. The cool taste of Dissimint will cause you to want to sign petitions and protest outside your local church. So rebel against against the flavors of dogmatic ice cream makers who think that flavors should taste like they traditionally did. Note: Your hair turning gray is not a side effect of Dissimint but an aid to help you fit in with other Dissimint eaters.
	Banana Schism Split Nothing says split like a schism so like thousands of others before you why not banana split off yourself. Why should your mouth answer to an old man in Rome? Martin Luther once remarked, “Every man is born with a Pope in his belly.” so why not feed your inner pope with the finest schismatic ice cream? Whether you are a progressive or a sede vacantist you will love the sweet taste of schism.
	Easter Sundae For Easter Sundae Christians that only go to church once or twice a year. The perfect ice cream for the uncommitted ice cream eater that grew up in an ice cream eating household and doesn’t want to totally break with the tradition.
	Iconoclast Vanilla Stark white ice cream just like the interior of many modern churches. No frills nothing special just plain vanilla ice cream. Nothing added – no miniature chunks of statue shaped chocolates – just one hundred percent pure watered down white ice cream.
	Heretical Caramel Cone Chunks of gnostic body hating chocolates and new age crystal sugar pieces combined to be doctrinally impure for those with a palette that rejects orthodoxy and craves doctrines to satisfy both their itching ears and tummy!
	Liturgical Dancers Licorice Imagine the flavor of liturgical dancers prancing around your tongue with whips of licorice pompoms. Just like your worship experience your ice cream experience should be all about you. So dive in with a flavor that is just tutu good.

* Blogger credit to Bryan Jerabek of Quodlibeta for suggesting that I do something with the idea of Haugen-Haas Ice Cream.

You have ordered those DVDs and video tapes off late night TV always looking for the latest thrill. After a while though you wait for something new and daring that hasn’t been done before. That is you have waited until now for our great new set of DVD titles.

Jesuits Gone Wild!

We have taken our video cameras to Jesuit institutions across the United States to bring you the latest in entertainment. What you ask – Jesuit Universities? – how boring. These are not your daddy’s Jesuit Universities!!!

* Pictures from here

Volume 1 takes you inside the annual drag show at Santa Clara University – you guessed it – a Jesuit institution. Now you might balk that these were officially sanctioned by the university and that we are selling these videos under false pretenses. Not only is Santa Clara University officially approve these events they are also promoted as educational.

Primarily, the Drag Show/Lip Sync is an event that serves to advertise events of Queer Awareness Week on the Santa Clara campus, which include a panel discussion, an ally workshop, and a day of silence. Because the event is widely popular and a lot of fun for everyone, it can reach a larger university audience–an audience that might not ordinarily attend a workshop or discussion on homophobia.

People come to the drag show to be entertained. One of the biggest complaints at Santa Clara University is a lack of on-campus social events–probably a leading cause of the dangerously high levels of underage and binge drinking. Our goal is that students are safely entertained, leaving with not only a smile on their face, but also with a broader understanding of gender diversity.

The university’s web page says that drag shows are "A Celebration of History", "A Celebration of Diversity", and a "A Critique of Gender Binarism" So besides are videos being entertaining there are also educational!

What’s more we have plenty of fun and wackiness to choose from with 35 Catholic campuses performing the "V-Monologues" and most Jesuit institutions honoring pro-abortion politicians and celebrities you just know you won’t be bored. You can bet you socks none of this is orthodox. You’ll just love all the Jesuit institutions with coed dorms dedicated to educating students for competence, conscience, and compassion. Two of Georgetown University women’s studies professors are also employees of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America so you just know the new Jesuit tradition is unrestrained sex without consequence which our cameras have captured.

Enjoy the Jesuit advantage that has long dropped stiff and rigid views of sexual morality. Increase your intellectual and spiritual strength and at the same time give into your libido.

So order now though there is no hurry since the odds of most bishops following and enforcing Ex Corde Ecclesiae is lower than the chance of Cardinal Mahony celebrating the Mass in Latin or the Bishops Conference doing something other than appointing another commission to study something.

FORT WAYNE, IN (Roto Reuters) A resolution on same-sex unions passed Monday at the United Church of Christ’s 25th annual General Synod meeting will be sure to cause rifts both locally and nationally.

The resolution advocates for policies that "do not discriminate against couples based on gender," and encourages member churches to support legislation giving equal rights to gay and lesbian couples who wish to marry. UCC member churches are independent entities and can choose whether to acknowledge same-sex unions at their respective congregations.

Despite the recent decision, members of Faith UCC have said they do not endorse same-sex unions.

This is not the first controversial decision made by the leadership of the UCC. The United Church of Christ has affirmed and re-affirmed since 1971 that access to safe and legal abortion is consistent with a woman’s right to follow the dictates of her own faith and beliefs in determining when and if she should have children, and has supported comprehensive sexuality education as one measure to prevent unwanted or unplanned pregnancies.

The final resolution passed on Monday was to drop the word Christ from the denominations names. Rev. Lee. Thomas, General Minister and President, said "We have just moved so far away from so-called traditional Christianity and were feeling just a bit uncomfortable being bound to Jesus’s words and actions in the Gospel and all that. So we decided to just drop the pretence and move on."

Some of the new names proposed and voted on were "United Church of Whatever Seems Good At This Moment of Time", "United Church of Secularists", "Not So United Church of Rapidly Shrinking Congregations" , with "United Church of Progressive Pagans" winning out. The UCPP has also dropped its motto "That they may be one" in favor of "That there be one individual and personal faith per member."

A committee was also set up to come up with a common paragraph reference system for sacred texts. Up to now there has been no common system for referring to articles in the New York Times other than by date, column title, and author. Possible new systems will be studied so the member interested in NYT exegesis will have a better system to better be able to refer to important articles amongst themselves. In addition Sunday reading will include a page one articles, something from the letters of Krugman, ending with a selection from the Gospel of Dowd.[Source]

My latest parody piece for a Electronic Group Rosary is up at Spero News.