Parody

Get ready for a whole new Harriet. After a disastrous two weeks, White House officials say they hope to relaunch the nomination of Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court by moving from what they call a "biographical phase" to an "accomplishment phase." In other words, stop debating her religion and personality and start focusing on her résumé as a pioneering female lawyer of the Southwest. "We got a little wrapped around the axle," an exhausted White House official said. "As the focus becomes less on who she’s not and more on who she is, that’s a better place to be." [Time Magazine] [Via Michelle Malkin]

Same product different week. I buy this one brand of generic cat litter precisely because it is cheap. On the bag it actually says brags about new packaging. No not a tougher package less prone to spill the contents, but a new color scheme and layout. Still exactly the same cat litter inside. I am suppose to want this product more because the packaging changed. Now not to compare Harriet Miers to cat litter, the packaging concept is the same. The President and his advisors have failed to acknowledge any valid arguments criticizing her nomination and instead have resorted to name calling and switches on emphasis.

But since I am generally a supporter of the President I will help him with his new campaign. What better way to rebrand her nomination than coming out with a new cereal to coincide with her nomination. After all that works with movies and toy tie-ins, so why not judicial Supreme Court nominees which is much more important.

Announcing Scoties™, "The Breakfast of Constructionists" Made with 100 percent trailblazing originalist ingredients.

Includes moral fibre which is essential for a "Roe V Wade"-less dietary regime or a strict constructionist diet. Taste-tested and vetted by prominent Evangelicals.* Included in each package is her judicial philosophy (just keep digging it’s in the box somewhere).

* Evidence for judicial nutritional claims are not currently available for peer review, but heh, trust us. After all we all gave you sugar flaked Souter-O’s which still leave a bad taste.

Credit: Michelle Malkin for "Now with less religious flavor
and more judicial filling"

Hi my name is Benedict Homes of the St. Anthony Detective agency. I am a Catholic detective specializing in all things Catholic. Some of my friends have joked that I am a Dei-tective. I am not your typical detective since I wear a scapular made out of Kevlar and carry a backup Rosary in an ankle holder. You can find me most days at my parish in front of the Blessed Sacrament when I am not actively on a case or sometimes when I am. Most of the time I help people find lost things, but mainly those jobs are fairly easy with the help of St. Anthony, my partner, who never asks for a finder fee. If someone has lost their faith I spend my time in prayer interceding for them.

From time to time I help to investigate allegedly supernatural occurrences to see if their is any validity to the claims or whether it is a hoax. Unlike other investigators of the supernatural I don’t think that "The truth is out there." I know exactly where to find the truth since he is also the way the truth and the life!

Recently I had a couple come to me with concerns about their son. They had sent him to a Catholic university and when he came home he was spouting all sorts of secular nonsense and now held that the faith is nothing more than a series of myths imposed by male hierarchical figures throughout the centuries. I started to investigate the university and my worst fears were confirmed. Yes another case of Catholic Identity Theft! Catholic Identity Theft is a pernicious crime that is all too prevalent. You can find it at those Catholics schools of higher learning where they talk about their Catholic identity on an "About" page, but their curriculum, actions, and everything else is diametrically opposed to the truth of the Catholic Church. They will talk about Catholic identity while having coed dorms and if the Church’s teaching on modesty is mentioned it would be in a sarcastic way to be mocked. When you encounter this you will more often find Sister Mary Modernist than Sister Mary Magisterium. The V-Monologues and not the Dialogues of St. Catherine of Sienna, Virgin. Where multiculturalism is good unless it is authentic Catholic culture.

Catholic Identity Theft is a serious crime and it is fairly easy to see some of the signs leading up to outbreaks of it. I have learned in my investigations that other crimes are precursors to this theft, for example Crucifix theft. You will often find that someone has stolen all of the Crucifixes from the walls of the classrooms. Sometimes you can subsequently find them in boxes in the basement stacked next to moral theology textbooks that used words like mortal sin. The other crime I have noticed is clerical clothes theft. I can only charitably guess that someone keeps going through the priest’s laundry room and stealing their clothes and their roman collars. In desperation they have to find ill-fitting clothes to wear instead.

Exhibit A – Clerical Clothes Theft

Grand Theft Theology (GTT ) is also another closely linked crime. The perpetrator will replace the constant teachings of the Church with modernist clap-trap that has the intellectual depth of a J. Lo song, thus depriving the student of the fullness of the truth. You would think this bait and switch would be covered by consumer fraud laws, but it isn’t. Unfortunately many students don’t even notice this substitution which is like buying a Rolls-Royce and getting a Yugo delivered. "I spend 40K plus dollars on a Catholic Education and all I got was heresy" might be a funny t-shirt, but the reality is much less funny.

Catholic Identity Theft is not a new phenomenon. Fifteen years ago Pope John Paul II noticed the increased rate of this crime and wrote the Apostolic Constitution Ex Corde Ecclesiae.

Catholic Universities are called to a continuous renewal, both as "Universities" and as "Catholic". For, "What is at stake is the very meaning of scientific and technological research, of social life and of culture, but, on an even more profound level, what is at stake is the very meaning of the human person". Such renewal requires a clear awareness that, by its Catholic character, a University is made more capable of conducting an impartial search for truth, a search that is neither subordinated to nor conditioned by particular interests of any kind.

While the plan the Pope laid out was excellent it had one major flaw. It had to be implemented by the local bishops in cooperation with this Catholic educational institutions where the word mandatum was thought of as fondly as the spikes inside of a Iron Maiden pressing against your skin. This document was quickly filed under "I" for ignore in many diocesan offices.

Catholic Identity Theft seems to be based on the proposition that the truths of the Catholic Church must not really be true. What else can explain the defense that since most Catholic schools have students that are not Catholic, that somehow Catholic truth does not apply to them. That natural law is "nothing else than the rational creature’s participation in the eternal law" if they happen to be Catholics otherwise forget-about-it. That pluralism means that truth is something personal to the holder instead of something that we all share. The fact that scripture says that is the Church that is "the pillar and bulwark of the truth" is an inconvenient fact that needs to be subservient to "different strokes for different folks." That tolerance means being intolerant of truth.

Now as a Catholic detective it is easy to discover Catholic Identity Theft, but not as easy to put a stop to this crime or to keep it from from happening. It is not as simple as hiring a security company and putting security stickers on the windows of the schools buildings. With Catholic Identity Theft it is pretty much always an inside job. The culprits are on the the faculty and mostly aided and abetted by the school’s president. Setting up a neighborhood theological watch can be helpful to getting the word out about recent thefts. For example the Cardinal Newman Society is a good model for a neighborhood theological watch. The cause is not in any way hopeless. Schools like the Franciscan University of Steubenville were headed towards having an Catholic Identity Crisis and then had a major turnaround after Father Michael Scanlan became president. Notre Dame also seems to be on the upswing. Now some of my clients have asked for my expertise on stopping Catholic Identity Theft and here are some basic suggestions.

• Strive for holiness. All reform starts with personal holiness. It is the saints and not the lukewarm or the heretics who do the reform.
• As Deal Hudson said "The best way to protect your children is to arm them with a solid foundation in Catholic morality and theology BEFORE they go to college. You simply cannot assume that the "Catholic" college they’re heading off to will form them in the faith."
• Check for signs of Catholic Identity Theft before sending one of your kids to that school.
• Ask the school if individual members of the theology department have signed the mandatum. If you get blank stares or outright hostility move along.
• Finding the words "Jesuit/Ignatian traditions"on the schools about page is not an infallible method of identifying Catholic Identity Theft, but it is a pretty darn good clue to look deeper.
• Coming out BBQ’s to promote acceptance of homosexual activity or pro-abortion speakers are other negative signs.
• If member of the theology department appear frequently on CNN or are regularly quoted favorably by the MSM, again look deeper.
• If there is much talk about the Spirit of Vatican II, but actual Vatican II documents have an inch of dust on them find another school
• If your an alumni of a school that has been robbed. Put pressure on them and don’t give them a cent until they recover their missing identity.
• Don’t’ forget to pray for your bishop and the bishop of the diocese your kids are attending school at along with the staff of that school.

Now if your kids are already attending a school where this crime has occurred you can try posting posters saying "Missing Catholic Identity" around the campus. Putting the same on a milk carton doesn’t work around a college campus – but on a beer bottle it might.

"If need be, a Catholic University must have the courage to speak uncomfortable truths which do not please public opinion, but which are necessary to safeguard the authentic good of society." Pope John Paul II

This applies to all of us. As a Catholic Detective I constantly strive to seek the truth, but isn’t that all of our’s vocation? Well I need to go now and work on the "Case of the missing scapular." I just hope that scapulars and socks don’t end up in the same place or I won’t get a commission for this case either.

Fr. Sistare asks the obvious questions in response to changing the requirement for priestly celibacy.

Question: Who will financially support the married priest’s family (not happening on current weekly collections!)? Question: Where are these families supposed to live…in a rectory with a celibate priest? Question: What sort of unity will exist in the presbyterate if some are married and others are celibate?
Just a few questions some should ponder before they jump to so called quick solutions!

This coincides with at thought I had recently of creating a new petition for priestly celibacy for advocates of this discipline change.

I first noticed the story about UNICEF-Belgiums use of Smurfs in a public service announcement in regards to war with a Smurf village being fire bombed at Dappled Things. He said if you had a dark sense of humor you would want to see it. I guess I qualify as having a dark sense of humor because not only did I enjoy it I secretly wished I could see the final scene in Braveheart reenacted with Barney. But maybe UNICEF has a good idea in public service announcements using Smurfs.

Here is one I would like to see.

The residents of Smurf village started to find that their comfy village was getting a bit over crowded, but were unable to start new villages because of the threat of the sorcerer Gargamel. Smurfs were complaining because it was too Smurfin crowded. Papa Smurf after studying the success of other Communist regimes decided to implement a new Smurf control program allowing only one Smurf per family.

At first the Smurfs complained about this new policy. But after Papa Smurf sent Smurf Troopers to arrest dissident Smurfs and to both force abortions and forced sterilization programs.

Now Smurf Village is much less crowded, but now there is a new problem. Years of the One Smurf Policy has resulted in Smurf parents preferring Smurf males over Smurf females. After all when you are constantly under attack by a very large wizard you need a male population to constantly fight and trick him. Couples used the latest Smurf selection tools along with ultrasound to ensure their pick. Unwanted female Smurfs were occasionally drowned in a bucket of water in hospitals when these techniques failed.

Smurf roughs now roam the village looking for trouble. With no Smurf females to date they take out their aggression Smurfin’ this and Smurfin’ that. Smurfs have always suffered with blue balls but now the problem has no remedy. So they now spend their time writing obscene graffiti on their mushroom houses and forming gangs of Smurf toughs menacing the population.

Smurfette the lone female Smurf now lives in constant fear fending off male Smurfs advances.

UNICEF urges you to work to stop one child policies now. Don’t let what happened in Smurf Village happen in your own. Do it for the children, don’t let them get forcibly aborted. Please send in your donations now before it is too late.

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) – A leading liberal Roman Catholic group urged the Vatican on Tuesday to rethink its emphasis on vocation if it wanted to tackle the grave shortage of priests around the world.

But the call by the "We Are Church" movement for reforms is to place an emphasis on prayer and the personal call to holiness.

"We hope that all faithful Catholics might invest their time to help cure the vocation’s crisis by spending an hour of week before the Blessed Sacrament in adoration and to ‘Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he send forth laborers into his harvest.’ We also hope that Catholics by leading of life of holiness and obedience to the faith will both provide good example to their families and neighbors and that they will not become stumbling blocks to those who are called. We must look at our own lives and determine if we are being generous to the Lord with children and that we encourage our own children to the priesthood or religious life if they have these vocations. Through the 2000 years of Mother Church God has always called forth sufficient numbers of men to the priesthood and can we doubt the that same thing is happening now? The decline in the acceptance of those with vocations to meet the call must have been stifled by externals. We must find ways to help those called to religious life to both recognize and accept the vocations God has already called them to."

Okay, I am sure you have caught on the above is a bogus news story. Here unfortunately is the all too predictable real one that is at least accurately titled "Dissident Catholics want married, female priesthood"

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) – A leading liberal Roman Catholic group urged the Vatican on Tuesday to rethink its rule on celibacy and allow women’s ordination if it wanted to tackle the grave shortage of priests around the world.

As a synod of Catholic bishops got underway, even a leader of a tiny Eastern Rite Catholic Church challenged his brothers in the Western Church, saying he believed there was no theological basis for the rule that priests cannot marry.

But the call by the "We Are Church" movement for reforms to jettison traditions almost one millennium old in celibacy’s case and two millennia old for the ban on women priests will likely fall on deaf ears.

"We Are Church," a dissident lay movement that began in Austria in 1995 and now has chapters in over 20 countries, made its appeal in an open letter to more than 250 Catholic bishops gathered for a synod on the theme of the Eucharist.

"We hope this great opportunity will not be lost," said the appeal issued at a news conference near the Vatican, where the meeting is being held over the next three weeks.

It said the Vatican, headquarters for the church of 1.1 billion people, was resting on "already prescribed nostrums" instead of innovations in order to deal with the shortage of priests.

The group said that the lack of priests was "caused by the law of celibacy presently in force" and urged the Vatican to drop clerical celibacy, to ordain women and allow so-called "viri probati" to become priests.

You’re a progressive Catholic and you want to deepen your faith what do you do? Of course you can read Commonweal, America, and the New York Times to keep up – but sometimes you just want to kick back and be informed by watching TV. Sure there is much fare on TV that aligns with your world view, but don’t you want more? Have you ever stumbled upon on that 24 hour so-called Catholic network only to be shocked by women still shackled in religious garb, lack of inclusive language, and televised Masses partially in Latin, and a nun who dared to criticize our hero Cardinal Mahony? In his case we are totally against dissent. You know what station we mean and didn’t you just wish that we had our own station?

Well don’t wish any longer. We at Progressive Word Television Network (PWTN) are coming soon to a cable and satellite operation near you. We will offer the highest quality in progressive programming with a 24 hour dialogue hotline for show suggestions and improvements. Sound too good to be true? Well just check out our new line up.

Our flagship live call-in talk show with Sister Joan Chittister, OSB. She will have guests you love like Gary Wills, Father Richard McBrien, Sister Jeanine Grammick, and many more. In fact we also have so many Jesuits to choose from that we can book the show years in advance. You’ll love Earth Mother Joan’s teachings and conversations where she will channel the spirit of Vatican II live. Get great fashion tips on what goes best with earth tone pant suits, sensible shoes, and other polyester wear. You’ll laugh at her recurring gag soliciting funds to support the network “Please send your donation between your Planned Parenthood and Electric bill.”

On mondays at 8 PM on “The Journey from Rome” we will have a guest describe their conversion experience. Markus Growdie the host will interview those who have finally come to the conclusion that following some bookish celibate old guy from Rome in matters pertaining to the struggles of daily life is really wrong. The Journey from Rome delves into how the convert has come to their infallible decision that the Pope speaking on faith in morals is fallible. Conversion stories of many experiences are chronicled as some move from Protestantism to Catholicism and finally Catholic-Protestantism since we Catholics don’t have to follow the Pope or some of the the teachings of the Church either. The theme of the show is how to swim the Tiber without getting wet.

Wednesday’s at 10 PM tune in for “The Dark Night of the Saul” hosted by Notre Dame scholar Father Richard P. McBrien. This program explores how King Saul has been misunderstood and given a bum rap. King Saul was unjustly punished by the Lord for not waiting for Samuel to arrive and he offered the sacrifices himself, an act then prohibited. We can understand King Saul’s yearning for the priesthood and the fact that there was inequality in that those who were not from the Levitical tribe were banned from the priesthood. Father McBrien explains the modern parallels where women yearning to become priests are denied equality with the tribe of men. King Saul was really the Rosa Parks of priestly ordination. King Saul’s disobedience to the Lord was punished where instead he should have been celebrated for having followed his conscience and meaning well. King Saul also supported dialogue in that he was willing even to have the Witch of Endor call up the spirit of the prophet Samuel to dialogue with.

If you have ever been angered by Karl Keating, Jimmy Akin, and company misrepresenting the true Catholic faith with their smug answers taken from the so-called “teachings” of the Church you will love our new show “Heterodox Answers Live.”. Our panel includes experts on the Church from Public Television who conduct a roundtable discussion with Bishop Gumbleton and answer your phone calls. You’ll learn why Scripture, Apostolic Tradition, and the Church Fathers really didn’t mean what they wrote and how it is the modern mind that is more able to interpret their actual words. Bishop Gumbleton as progressive apologist offers arguments against false doctrines such as sola-magisterium where people actually expect a doctrine to have to be taught in magisterial documents. He also explains why Catholic devotions are not idol worship, but in fact just passe and just so pre-Vatican II. You will love his explanations in support of women’s ordination and homosexual sex with such memorable quotes as “homosexuals make love more humanely, largely because they are better able empathetically to feel what their partner is feeling.”

Daily Mass

Daily Mass is held outside of our studios at Our Lady of the Snows retreat center where Mass is always relevant.

We at the Progressive Word Television Network are concerned with more than just your spiritual health, but also your physical heath.

With Dominican Sisters from across the United States we will have your sacred heart pumping as you walk around our home labyrinths or experience the relief from stress with the centering aspects of T’ai Chi Chih. Walking around and around until your dizzy in our labyrinths will make your mind even more attuned to the theology taught on PWTN.

Enneagram I Workshop with facilitator Marilyn Carpenter, OSB who has a BS from Regis College, Denver; an MA in Theology and Pastoral Ministry from St. Meinrad’s in Indiana; and an MA in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University-West. She is certified as a hospital chaplain by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. She will lead you step by step to find which one of the nine personality types you belong to and to also help you with dream work and understanding the dream journey process.

Future Shows

Call to Action in coordination with Voice of the Faithful are currently working on developing a youth related show “Life off the Rock” Just as soon as they receive some members under forty or hire actors to play young progressive Catholics in love with their faith we will put the series into production. We are working on getting show teaching progressive Catholic sexual morality and hope to air “Sex in the City” soon. We are also currently working on creating our own radio network and just as soon as we can create some programming that isn’t redundant with NPR.

So please call your cable and satellite operation and request PWTN. We are confident that there is a demand for progressive Catholic programming and just know that you will be smart enough to choose us. When progressive Catholics have equal airtime we are confident people will rush to our intelligent and nuance arguments and we will be just as commercially successful as Air America. So for the best in progressive programming don’t forget PWTN!

Only Confession.

What happens here, stays here.

Take a vacation from sin at the premiere location for doing so. We have plenty of options and packages just for you! Venial or Mortal we have it covered. Face-to-face or behind the screen we will accommodate you. During appointed times or by appointment – we cater to your every need. Traditional booths or reconciliation rooms – book ahead for available options at a parish near you. No reservations required other than moral reservations. You can travel all over the four points of the compass, but only here will yours sins be as far away as the East is from the West. You ask what does this amazing deal cost? Why it is absolutely free and is not even a limited time offer. No mint on your pillow, but you will receive a small penance at no additional charge. So act now while you still can.

* Offer might be limited at some parishes to a short period on Saturdays. Participants must repent and fully list any mortal sins to qualify.

As the Washington Post reports:

Supporters of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales have launched a campaign to rebut criticism that he is not reliably conservative enough to serve on the Supreme Court, a move likely to intensify a rift within Republican circles over one of President Bush’s closest confidants.

The group of former Gonzales aides and other Republicans still in the Bush administration — most of whom are close to top White House officials — are coordinating with one another, sharpening common lines of argument, then circulating these points on Capitol Hill, in conservative circles and with reporters, according to several people involved.

So the push for Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales begins for his replacing Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Captain Ed weighs in and hopes for bit more certainty, especially after the Souter experience. So would I especially after also the O’Connor and Anthony M. Kennedy experience.

I have received a very disturbing report that President Bush has asked his Attorney General to prepare himself for the nomination and that he undergo Sex Reassignment Surgery for the good of the country. Apparently the President believes that a squishy-conservative transgendered Hispanic Female who supports affirmative action would have the best chance of easily winning approval and becoming in fact Speedy Gonzales as far as confirmations go. Not only would he then appeal to so many disparate and different special interest groups, but that his Sex Reassignment Surgery would answer critics who demand that a woman fill the slot vacated by Justice O’Connor. The President feels that his long time friend who appears to blur the line on what it means to be a conservative would have no problem blurring the line on sexual identity. The President apparently got the idea after recently watching Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire.

My secret source of whom I will refer to as shallow esophagus tells me that the Attorney General clandestinely visited a clinic in Miami and had a consultation with Dr. Dick Kutoff in preparation for the nomination. Shallow esophagus leaked to me a preparatory photo generated at the doctor’s office.

So if when the President holds a press conference to announces the Supreme Court nominee and you hear Alberta Gonzalez don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You have played all of the versions of Civilization and have learned to balance your power to dominate the world through diplomatic finesse, cultural domination, and military prowess. Yet now you are looking for a real challenge in a simulation that will test all your skills to the highest order. We proudly introduce the next generation in simulation gaming – Episcopacy!

If you have ever been an armchair bishop or acted as a pundit critiquing every move of a bishop this is the game for you! From the outside being a bishop seems to be deceptively easy and now you can see the real reason why some saints have avoided the red hat or others accepted it with fear and trembling.

Your goal is to be a true shepherd and to help to prepare your flock to accept God’s grace and to grow in holiness. Your simulated parish includes doctrinal progressives, materialist conservatives, radical traditionalist schismatic and otherwise, lukewarm Catholics, Christmas and Easter Catholics, on-fire Catholics, self-appointed experts, dissident theologians and Scott Hahn wannabes, hostile media, liturgical dancers and subscribers to Adoramus, cafeteria Catholics and salvation rigorists, and diocesan bureaucracy. Or in other words an average diocese. You will soon learn that juggling rabid cats would be preferable to being a bishop.

In the simulation you assign priests, appoint people to diocesan positions, give homilies, visit parishes, track and monitor parish and diocesan budgets, manage diocesan schools, read letters from angry parishioners, supervise diocesan personnel, and fill any leftover time with mind-numbing paperwork. The successful virtual bishop will be sure to allot and spend time in meditative prayer and play off the age-old game of Martha vs. Mary. Game Hint: Some new to the game will be tempted to reduce prayer time in able to do more work – this is actually counterproductive in the simulation. We used a Blessed Teresa of Calcutta algorithm where when she was especially busy she spent twice as long in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Just when you think you have everything balanced and your diocese is running smoothly one of our randomly timed diocesan emergencies will occur. One of the emergencies designed in the game is the dreaded shifting demographics. You might thing that doesn’t sound too bad but wait till you close down one of the parishes due to a shift. No matter what prudent decision you make you will be criticized just like in a real diocese. From sit-ins to groups calling you a racist for closing down a historically ethnic church or complaints from people who are more attached to their local parish then the universal Church. While it is true that you can really mismanage your reaction to a demographic shift you can not judge by public reaction if you made the right decisions since feedback regardless will be negative.

Your virtual diocese will run the gamut of dissenting to faithful priests and you will have to balance the needs of your flock for the sacraments with a decreasing supply of priests. To make up for this you will need to act as a shepherd and in the cases of parishes virtually in schism you will need to prudently and charitably act without forcing them over the edge. Again no matter what you do some pundit with a keyboard and an internet connection will second-guess you. You will also need to work to increase the number of diocesan seminarians and develop a vocations strategy with a bedrock of prayer and action to encourage vocations.

Will your Ad Limina visits with the pope go well or will you be called onto the carpet for your mismanagement? Though one advantage is that no much how badly you run your diocese into the ground or to cause scandal you will not be criticized by your fellow bishops. The simulation incorporates a collegiality algorhthm very closely modeled to real life.

You might at times feel swamped under all the competing simulated pressures and remembering that "to who much is given much is expected" will not exactly lift the pressures. At the end of the simulation you will either see an animation of Jesus saying "Well Done Good And Faithful Servant" or you are sent to a room to have your head fitted for a millstone. Many of our beta testers after extensive playing fell down on their knees in thanks that they weren’t bishops.

So don’t wait and put on your virtual mitre now! You can also buy expansion packs to increase the level of the simulation. For example becoming a bishop in a diocese where the previous bishop resigned because of the priestly abuse scandal. Other challenging expansion packs are the Los Angeles diocese where the simulation starts with heterodox hit points set at maximum and a close to empty seminary mainly populated by seminarians from other countries. This expansion pack is not for the faint of heart and not recommended for beginners. The election year expansion pack increases the level of difficulty with Catholic politicians on the side of the culture of death. Meeting with them and trying to influence them to repent is especially difficult (politicians seem to be especially resilient to facts and truth) and if you have to resort to denying them Communion don’t look for any friends in the press. Other expansion packs allow you to become a Cardinal or even the Pope. So find out if you have what it takes to be successful bishop or not and play Episcopacy now.

I have some exciting news for you now that the press embargo has been lifted. I have been out of country for the last two days to attend a first-of-a-kind event.

I was lucky enough to be invited to attend the first annual World Misspent-Youth Day that was held in Bonn, Germany. Our event was much more low-key than World Youth Day going on adjacently in Cologne and the Holy Father did not want WM-YD to upstage WYD. The above is the official logo for WM-YD which has St. Augustine pictured on it since he can truly be considered to be the patron saint of misspent-youth. World Misspent-Youth Day was open to those 35 and above who in their youth lead lives not exactly pious, which really means open to all of us 35 and above. This was the first year for this event and of course there were problems and other wrinkles (which only makes sense) that developed. In spite of that I believe it was fairly successful and that we will see future WM-YDs in the future.

The event was only one day long because most of the participants have family and jobs to get back to and just can’t spend a week at a festival. I haven’t heard the official count on attendance yet, but it was fairly substantial. Looking at the middle-aged to elderly crowd of participants it almost looked like a Call To Action convention if it wasn’t for the fact that people wore scapulars, carried Rosaries, and shouted with glee when the Holy Father arrived. There were many allowances made to make us feel at home and not to feel awkward.

In a change of pace the Holy Father arrived on the custom made Papal Motorcycle. I heard that this was symbolic for those of us who have had a mid-life crisis and suddenly bought a Harley-Davidson or a convertible to try to recapture our youth and was also an attempt at levity. He rode surprisingly well and you will notice in picture that he wore a specially made white zucchetto reinforced with carbon fibres for protection.

He later rode in a reinvention of the popemobile the papal golf cart to appeal to those of us who had retired or taken up the purgative sport of golf.

We were really surprised when the Holy Father showed up at the tailgate party in the parking lot of the event. Though when he asked for some German sausage and we didn’t have any cooked up you could see his disappointment. Lesson learned – always have some good German sausages on the grill prepared for these events.

After the tailgate party they started to do the blessings of the lawn chairs and ice chests full of German beer. I think the Holy Father was taken aback a little bit when he first appeared on the stage and we held our lit lighters aloft, but he recovered quickly and said for us to spread the light of Christ. One of the highlights of the event was the homily given by the Holy Father and here are some excerpts as I remember them.

For the kingdom of heaven is like a householder who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the market place; and to them he said, `You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went. Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing; and he said to them, `Why do you stand here idle all day?’ They said to him, `Because no one has hired us.’ He said to them, `You go into the vineyard too.’ And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, `Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.’ And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when the first came, they thought they would receive more; but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the householder, saying, `These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.’ But he replied to one of them, `Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you, and go; I choose to give to this last as I give to you.[Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?’

Dear friends,

As we reflect on this beautiful passage from Matthew, I welcome you who have finally entered the vineyard at the noon hour. Do not fret that you did not serve the Lord sooner but fall down in adoration in thanks giving and live out your life in the grace you have received. Do not begrudge those who have not yet entered the vineyard which is Holy Mother Church, but fast and pray that they too will enter. As the great Doctor of the Church for whose today’s event is dedicated said “Late have I loved you, Beauty so ancient and so new, Late have I loved you!” We must persist in that love of him who loved us first. Though in the past you were willful minions in the dictatorship of relativism you are now new creatures in Christ! Go forth and spread the good news with your new-found zeal and remember that your past sins have been forgiven and are as far as the East is from the West. …

“When the culture of death pushes you, you must push back.”

Another cool part of the event was the communal penance service followed by individual confession. He continued the tradition of Pope John Paul II for purging of memory and apologized for the Church and level of catechesis so prevalent since the sixties. Another ceremony was held for us baby boomers in which we were forgiven for our radical individualism, self-centeredness, materialism, and for foolish idealism that put faith in the power of government. The list he mentioned of things us baby boomers were responsible for was actually much longer, but unfortunately I didn’t bring any kind of recorder and it was much too long for me to remember.

After the Pope Benedict XVI had left the event was capped off with a concert which included Styx and REO Speedwagon. Styx did a special version of Lady dedicated to Our Lady and REO Speedwagon sang Riding the Storm out on a stage shaped like the Bark of Peter. It was rumored that Journey was also going to show, but it looks like my prayers were answered and they didn’t.

The Pope didn’t commit to doing this again or say where the next WM-YD might be held. Many of us our kind of hoping for Hawaii, Rio de Janeiro, or the French Rivera. Overall it was really fun and hopefully next time it will publicized well in advance. Though I can hardly blame them for keeping this one under wraps since you could hardly know how a large group of us all together would turn out. At least it kept the condom-pushers and other dissidents from attending. I just hope next time they have a concession pharmacy for those that need blood-pressure medicine, pills for arthritis, and assorted pharmaceuticals for other maladies.