Category:

Humor

Making programming great again

by Jeffrey Miller January 24, 2016

This is pretty funny – TrumpScript is a programming language that thinks and acts like Donald.

Warning: Programming geek humor ahead.

Features

All numbers must be strictly greater than 1 million. The small stuff is inconsequential to us.

There are no import statements allowed. All code has to be home-grown and American made.

Instead of True and False, we have fact and lie.

Only the most popular English words, Trump’s favorite words, and current politician names can be used as variable names.

Error messages are mostly quotes directly taken from Trump himself.

All programs must end with America is great.

Our language will automatically correct Forbes’ $4.5B to $10B.

In its raw form, TrumpScript is not compatible with Windows, because Trump isn’t the type of guy to believe in PC.

The language is completely case insensitive.

To which I would add:

Has localization where text can change based on location such as Iowa. This feature is found in all standards politican-based languages.
TrumpScript does have inheritance, since your business logic needs an eight figure inheritance to start off just like Donald.
Also includes interfaces, but it is pronounced “In your faces”.
All items are objects since TrumpScript has no class.
In addition to Windows, TrumpScript also can not be compiled on Macs until Apple ‘start building their damn computers and things’ in the US.
TrumpScript is built for security. It’s sandboxing is a walled-garden and he is making the Mexicans pay for it.
While TrumpScript only uses integers this is despite them being rational numbers. Just that he is ratioally insensitive.
There is no decrementing such as — since TrumpScript makes everything great again and there is alway incremental progress.
All comments must be written in caps and exclamation marks are required at the end of all comments.
Compiler warnings are phrased in terms of insults regarding how crappy of a programmer you are.
You should use interfaces, properties, methods, and events in a programming model since Trump married three models.
TrumpScript is totally object-oriented and women are always objectified.
The language is especially suite for generating comments on blogs and other web sites.
Best practices for TrumpScript encourages lots and lots of properties and the acquisition thereof, which must be named starting with Trump.

January 24, 2016 2 comments

Humor Pro-life

The 2017 March For Life (News from the Future)

by Jeffrey Miller January 21, 2016January 21, 2016

written by Jeffrey Miller

The major snow storm last year affected the March for Life where some groups had to cancel busses of people who had planned to attend. Despite the awful weather conditions people still turned out to protest and pray to end abortion. Really an amazing turnout despite the weather.

Still most were not exactly thrilled with the cold conditions and the snow. Last year we talked to Karon Braswell from South Carolina who paraphrased St. Teresa of Avila “If this is how you treat your friends, no longer you have so few of them.”

This year due to an enterprising pro-life business many of these problems will be minimized despite the weather. During the 2016 march Aaron Horton started thinking about what could be done to increase participation.

“While each year there is a significant turn out, there are still people who don’t participate with the weather being one of the factors. Plus there are many who would love to march to end the scourge of abortion, but just can’t get here. My day job involves helping businesses to facilitate remote working conditions and to provide maximum virtual interaction through the use of telepresence robots. These robots can be remotely driven and display a picture of the face of the person operating it. I realized that this would be perfect for those unable to attend.”

Aaron Horton made available a large fleet of telepresence robots that he ironically calls Roe-Bots. While Roe V. Wade was the landmark decision by the Supreme Court regarding abortion, the anonymous Jane Roe in the decision (Norma McCorvey) never had an abortion and has been active in pro-life demonstrations. His Roe-Bots have been equipped with snow treads for the typical climate conditions in Washington D.C. in January.

Some of this years marchers have wondered if this large number of telepresence robots marching along with the other marchers would be reported negatively by the Press. Some joked that telepresence robots representing reporters would be sent to cover the event. As events unrolled though it was obvious that this years March for Life would once again get the media’s undivided neglect. After this year’s march Perry J. Lambert from Los Angeles, Ca remarked about the media’s refusal to cover this event. “They are like the Eye of Sauron, they are looking everywhere with unblinking intensity except where Sam and Frodo are in their attempt to destroy the evil ring. Hopefully we will one day provide the Mt. Doom to abortion.”

A group of Telepresence Marchers

January 21, 2016January 21, 2016 1 comment

Humor

Catholic blogger fails to equate Thanksgiving with Eucharist

by Jeffrey Miller November 26, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

Robert L. Barile a Catholic blogger has a couple of posts on Thanksgiving Day in the two year run of his blog “Incipe, procurre, persiste!”. Yet has not mentioned once that Eucharist means Thanksgiving. No mention at all regarding the etymology of Eucharist from the Greek eucaristia. Other Catholic bloggers and blog readers have shown some surprise at this lack.

Exie Doolittle who is a convert to Catholicism and a heavy reader of Catholic blogs just kept waiting for Mr. Barile to make this connection of his blog. “I kept refreshing his blog today and still no mention of this connection. It is traditional for Catholic bloggers to remind readers of this on Thanksgiving Day. I don’t know what his problem is.”

Others have noted that not only has he failed to mention this but hasn’t even referenced once that the Native American Squanto who helped the Pilgrims was Catholic. Also he totally failed to mention that the first Thanksgiving actually took place in St. Augustine, Fl in 1565 fifty years before the Pilgrims arrived. A Mass was given which included the local native people (Timucuan).

Nick Hardwick who reads this blog says “I’m hoping that next year this will finally happen. If not I am giving up on his blog. Hopefully he will get the word that he is failing in his duties as a Catholic blogger.”

Note: I picked up the fictitious blog name from a post at Aliens in this world. It does make a good motto.

November 26, 2015 3 comments

Humor Sacraments

Confession and Mercy

by Jeffrey Miller November 18, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

The Lafayette Diocese has created a new and easier way for outreach with the Catholic Church.

They’ve converted an old ambulance into a mobile confessional called a spiritual care unit. With a picture of Jesus and Bible verses on the side, the new unit is for spiritual emergencies, specifically remodeled for prayer and confessions.

“It’s a way that we can give some pride and public expression of our Catholic faith that is not just meant for the walls of the church, but on the streets,” Father Michael Champagne, a priest at Lafayette Diocese, said.

The unit is part of Pope Francis’ Year of Mercy that begins on December 8. Thanks to an anonymous donation, it took two weeks to complete the unit that Champagne calls a church on wheels.

“We need to go to where people are. People come to the church as a center of worship and pray, but we also have to do outreach,” Champagne said.

Not only is the vehicle a way to bring more people to the Catholic church, but it makes going to confession easier for people with busy schedules.

“Pope Francis is asking us to go out of to the peripheries of the church and now we have the means to do that,” Bishop Michael Jarrell said.

Inside the unit there are Bibles, rosaries and even holy water. It’s fully equipped to spiritually care for others.

“There’s no sin in the world that’s too big for God’s mercy,” Champagne said. “We want to extend and preach the gospel of mercy to our people.”

The spiritual care unit will make stops around Acadiana beginning on December 8, for the beginning for the holy year of mercy. Source

One of the things I love about this story is the direct connection between repentance and mercy. Often when mercy gets bandied about there is hardly a connection to sin. That mercy is a free-ride requiring no repentance.

Archbishop Chaput recently wrote for First Things a mentioned in the National Catholic Register.

“Ironically, a pastoral strategy that minimizes sin in the name of mercy cannot be merciful, because it is dishonest,”

I only hope I hear more regarding the Archbishop’s correct view of mercy than the false view of mercy often pedaled during this upcoming Year of Mercy. As Pope Francis wrote in Misericordiae Vultus

Mercy is not opposed to justice but rather expresses God’s way of reaching out to the sinner, offering him a new chance to look at himself, convert, and believe.

Now as to mobile confessionals this certainly not a new idea. I’ve seen pictures of one in Germany and another from France. No doubt there are many others.

Sadly the following image is not real as it was done by a hoaxster.

November 18, 2015 2 comments

Humor Liturgy

Confusion reigns as cantor fails to raise her arm

by Jeffrey Miller November 16, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

Last Sunday at Saint Cecilia Catholic Church in Huntington, NY a series of unfortunate events left the parishioners on edge and confused.

It started during the singing of the Responsorial Psalm when the cantor failed to raise her arm up to indicate when the parishioners were to sing the response. People were just looking at one another waiting for the cue to sing. An awkward silence was evident while people awaited the visual cue.

The confusion continued when before The Universal Prayer that no mention of the proper response was made. One person did manage a tentative “Lord hear our prayers”, but stopped when no one else joined in. One person complained after Mass that “Just because Lord hear our prayers was the same response used everywhere for years, you just felt comforted knowing exactly what you were to say beforehand.”

Due to a scheduling problem there were not enough ushers to stand next to a row of pews to indicate when that row was to get up to go to receive Communion. As a result everybody from the first to the last row tried to all go at the same time.

The problems multiplied when at the end of Mass there was a failure to read the various announcements from the parish bulletin. Several parishioners were thus forced to read the bulletin themselves.

This uneasiness continued when after the priest said “Go forth, the Mass is ended” there was no “Have a good weekend everybody!” Without the final, final dismissal people were unsure if the Mass had actually ended or not. Some people were actually delayed before they could finally rush out to their car and speed out of the parking lot.

November 16, 2015 4 comments

Humor Liturgy

Don’t tase me bro

by Jeffrey Miller October 28, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

Via Fr. Z is a story that proved truth is stranger than fiction.

Tambourine player tased during church service

EDMOND, Okla. – Most churches encourage praise and worship. In fact, the Bible states, “make a joyful noise to the Lord.”

But 50-year-old Vickey Sue Beyersdorfer apparently went a bit too far.

Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Department Spokesman Mark Myers said, “Nobody could pay attention to the sermon or what was going on so that’s when our deputy was able to take care of the situation.”

The religious ruckus happened at Victory Church at 1515 N. Kelly Ave in Edmond.

A woman was apparently playing a tambourine too loudly during Wednesday night services.

When she refused to stop, the woman was escorted out by an off duty Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Deputy.

Myers said, “He had to physically escort her outside the church. Once outside, she broke free from the deputy and tried to go back inside, there became a physical confrontation.”

According to the arrest report, the deputy was forced to pepper spray and tase the unruly woman.

Myers said, “She was not filled with the Holy spirit. She was not being very Christianly and this is why the folks decided to get her out as soon as possible.”

Witnesses said the combative Christian was staggering and had slurred speech.

Authorities did find prescription pain medication in her possession.

Authorities have not said if that medication was found in her system or if that may have contributed to the incident.

Bolding is retained from original story

Hey Mrs. Tamborine woman, don’t play a song for me.

Now I wonder if prescription pain medicine could be at the root of all the enthusiastic percussionists I encounter at Mass. Except usually I am the one wanting the pain medicine as a result.

October 28, 2015 1 comment

Humor

Pope Bot

by Jeffrey Miller August 18, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

“It’s a test to see if the average person or people of Philadelphia are kind enough, gentle enough to treat Pope Bot with respect and take it from place to place and have it be just fine,” radio host Preston Elliot said.

The radio station is hoping Pope Bot’s successful odyssey will show that Philadelphia and its residents are more than ready for Pope Francis’ visit next month.

“To show this area is loving, caring, nurturing and can serve as a proper host for the actual pope,” radio host Steve Morrison said.

Pope Bot was created in part due to the destruction of hitchBOT, a hitchhiking robot that captured the hearts of fans worldwide.

The Canadian researchers who created hitchBOT as a social experiment told The Associated Press that someone in the city damaged the robot beyond repair two weeks ago, ending its first American tour after about two weeks.

“Sadly, sadly it’s come to an end,” Frauke Zeller, one of its co-creators, said. Source

Well if you wanted to test survivability “Philadelphia or Bust” might not be the best phrase.

A Robot Pope is nothing new though. The short story “Good News from the Vatican” by Robert Silverberg involved the election of a robot Pope. It won the 1971 Nebula Award for Best Short Story. Of course a robot pope would be an anti-pope or is that antifreeze-pope?

Still I have to wonder about a robot Pope ruled by Asimov’s The Three Laws of Robotics. Which of course were loopholes galore so that stories could be made based on them.

Really regarding the Pope their is only one rule as defined by Vatican I.

A pope is protected from error when he “proclaims by a definitive act a doctrine pertaining to faith or morals” (CCC 891)

So lots of bad popes, but no loopholes within this very limited definition. Still the Holy Spirit is much wiser than positronic brains.

Now as to the build quality of Pope Bot, I can’t say I am impressed. I built robots in my basement as a kid and I think I could have done better than this.

August 18, 2015 0 comment

Humor

Zero Day Spiritual Attack

by Jeffrey Miller July 20, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

I recently saw this picture on Facebook.

Well if you don’t have an automatic, possibly they could do an “Anointing of the Stick” or some form of “Last Rides” for ailing engines.

Soon after this headline caught my attention San Francisco techies are hiring this Wiccan witch to protect their computers from viruses and offices from evil spirits.

Talley is one of those mystics, a Marin County witch boasting three master’s degrees and over 40 years of experience. Though tech problems are not the only ones Talley tackles, she is routinely called upon to debug people’s tech woes with spiritual energy.

“Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks,” she told SF Weekly. “So I’ll make charms for them. I like to use flora.” And when there are problems in office hardware, Talley turns to “Jet,” a black stone that serves to block energy. In extreme cases, she casts protection spells of her own over the entire company.

Talley recounts one particular tale to SF Weekly, when a startup’s office alarm would blare at all hours of the day, and no one knew why. After multiple electricians (the “rational” choice) completely failed to solve the problem, the company called in Talley.

“I got the spirit out,” she told SF Weekly.

Talley’s website says she welcomes issues too unusual or dangerous to take the the straight world of Western helpers. But she also says no problem is too big or small, even, perhaps, your printer malfunctioning. However before you jump on the phone, you should be aware that Talley’s services do not come cheap. She charges $200 an hour (though a phone consultation is free).

Well judging by her outfit shown in the article she is a “Black Hat” hacker.

Jokes aside, this is great if you want to open up your company to a zero day spiritual attack.

I’ll stick with sacramentals, although dousing equipment with holy water is probably not a good idea.

The Archdiocese of Milwaukee has a Prayer for Computer Users.

Bless again this day the mysterious computer

which awaits your power and my human effort.

Grant wisdom, knowledge and a clear memory to my mind

as I sit before this new creature of your infinite power.

Bless my heart with endless patience whenever needed.

Guide my hands that I may be your faithful servant in every key I press.

Enable my limited efforts to bring glory to your Name

and blessings to your people everywhere.

Delete me not from your Kingdom

and save me from all fear and from all error of sin and ignorance.

I whisper this prayer, mindful of the needs of all with whom and for whom I work,

through the power of your Word and the life-giving energy of your Spirit.

Amen

Although I have to admit that the wording of this prayer tickles my funny bone inadvertently. Seriously “Delete me not from your Kingdom”?

July 20, 2015 1 comment

Humor Saints

Vatican gives my diocese the finger

by Jeffrey Miller July 7, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

Yes that was a totally link bait headline. Yet their is truth to it. Specifically the Vatican has lent the Diocese of St. Augustine a relic of one of his fingers. So for a Diocese patron saint that counts as “the finger”.

A relic dating back to 430 A.D. isn’t something that’s easy to acquire.

So when the Diocese of St. Augustine was loaned a first-class relic of St. Augustine of Hippo late last month, it was considered a blessing and the culmination of many years of effort.

“One of my dreams was to find a way to get the relics of Saint Augustine here for the 450th to finally say the man for whom this city is named, his relics came here,” said the Rev. Tom Willis of Cathedral Basilica.

The relic is the finger of St. Augustine of Hippo – and it’s never before left Italy where it is part of the Vatican Treasury.

Kathleen Bagg, director of communications for the diocese, has done extensive research on the relic.

“This is a first-class relic because it is an actual piece – body part – of the saint,” she said. “It’s just taken a really long time because [officials in Italy and at the Vatican] didn’t want to let go of it.”

Encased in what is known as a reliquary – a container for holy relics – it is on loan to the diocese in celebration of St. Augustine’s 450th anniversary and the founding of America’s first Catholic parish. (Source)

July 7, 2015 1 comment

Humor

The Pope has a staff problem

by Jeffrey Miller June 8, 2015

written by Jeffrey Miller

The crucifix on the top of the Pope’s crozier broke after a small accident during morning events at Sarajevo. Since there was another crozier available it was taped up with white tape and used during events of the day.

Not surprisingly many sites are having fun with this from secular to Catholic blogs. Also not surprisingly those who are not fans of the Paul VI style crucifix are also piling on. Aesthetically I am not a fan of the style as to me it looks like a crucifix left out in the sun to long.

Perhaps the crozier had a staff infection making it weaker.

Pope Francis arrives to lead the mass at the stadium in Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina, June 6, 2015. REUTERS/Max Rossi

Still I can somewhat sympathize with this accident in a very tangental way.

In high school we had a variety show called Nostalgia made up of homages to the past. I played the character of W.C. Fields of whom I had mimicked from an early age. I used a pool cue as a prop in this act and during one performance it broke in two. As luck would have it I quickly improvised and said in the W.C. Fields voice “Cheap foreign goods” which got a sustained laugh. For the rest of the short run that became part of the act.

June 8, 2015 0 comment

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