Humor

I thinks I will get involved with a new and probably profitable career path. I think I will become a Ten Commandments Feng Shui expert. Now you might ask what the heck is that and what would be the need for one? Well the Supreme Court basically said that each government sponsored Ten Commandments exhibit demands scrutiny to determine whether it goes too far in amounting to a governmental promotion of religion. That each display should be resolved on a case by case-by-case basis. Looking over the decision how this is to be done is more of an art than a science. It depends on both location and and being contexualized with other documents. In the Kentucky case the display was revised to include nine framed documents which included the KJ version of the commandments in a display labeled "The Foundations of American Law and Government Display." and this also did not meet approval.

So how do states determine if their displays are constitutional especially since it doesn’t depend on the Constitution or the First Amendment? That is where Ten Commandments Feng Shui enters in. I would look for a harmonious display that reflects the balance of nature in the displays depending on the amount of wood, fire, earth, metal and water used in their compositions. I will check for Constitutional Yin and Yang and if I find the necessary are elements present and that they have the proper flow I would then give them a certificate of blessing. The great thing about this scam – I mean job – is that no one can argue with your Ten Commandments Feng Shui interpretation using the text of the courts decision. I mean good luck figuring that one out and determining any real guidelines.

There is a Black Hat Sect school of Feng Shui and I will be starting the Black Robe school of Ten Commandments Feng Shui. The great thing about calling it Ten Commandments Feng Shui is that it will keep the ACLU off my back. As long as it sounds new agey and not Christian in any way they won’t bother me. So state governments give me a call and I will come and apply the art of Ten Commandments Feng Shui and make any necessary recommendations so that they meet with the optimum flow of Constitutional qi.

LOS ANGELES–(BUSINESS WIRE)–June 23, 2005–True Religion Apparel Inc. (OTCBB: TRLG) today announced that the Company has shut down a clothing retailer in the Northeast for selling counterfeit True Religion Brand Jeans. This investigation stems from the Company’s aggressive stance on the selling of counterfeit or diverted True Religion Apparel, Inc. products. The Company has enlisted the help of investigators, local police and lawyers to shut down and prosecute clothing retailers, jobbers, street vendors, importers, and online vendors that sell counterfeit True Religion Apparel, Inc. products in the U.S. and abroad.
[Source]

I wonder if counterfeit True Religion clothes would be considered heretical clothes? Though in this case heretical clothes instead of being tortured by putting them on the rack will be taken off the rack.

A priest who used the power of prayer to hook a king-sized walleye last winter is now selling the fish that made him famous.

Rev. Mariusz Zajac is hoping to receive $200,000 to $500,000 for the catch, which became an ice-fishing world record and resulted in international media attention.

"It’s not an easy decision to make. But I feel I have a duty," said Zajac, who was born in Poland and is priest at the Canadian Martyrs Roman Catholic Church in Carrot River, south of Tobin Lake.

"I could keep it for myself in my cabin to look at or use it for the good of others. I have already looked at it for the past six months, so . . . "

The walleye weighed 18 pounds and was 361/2 inches in length. The world record walleye for open water was caught in 1982 in Arkansas, weighing 22 pounds, 11 ounces.

Zajac, 43, was on the verge of packing up his rod and reel after a futile evening of fishing in January. He decided to recite the Canticle of Mary, a prayer of gratitude, and jig at the same time. Within minutes, he was squeezing a 22-inch wide fish through a 10-inch hole in the ice. [Source]

Normally people reach for their toolbox to fix a leaky kitchen faucet, but the leadership team at St. Patrick Parish in Lawrence is encouraging parishioners to reach for the toolbox to build their faith.

Members of the team present a large red plastic toolbox to each household that registers with the parish. On the outside of the box are stickers that say “St. Patrick Parish Catholic Toolbox” in three languages — English, Spanish and Vietnamese — and inside are religious items including a Bible, Catechism of the Catholic Church, a wooden crucifix with a stand and candle, rosaries for every household member, and a children’s Bible for families. Materials for different prayers are also included. All the materials are in the language appropriate for the parishioner.
Parishioners who register or re-register at St. Patrick Parish in Lawrence receive a “Catholic toolbox” including items such as a Bible, a copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and a rosary for every member of their family. Photo courtesy St. Patrick Parish

Parishioners are also encouraged to keep other items like their family Bible, confirmation class items or baptismal candle in the toolbox.

“In our spiritual lives God really does give us basic tools to build our faith homes, to fix up our faith homes, and expand our faith homes,” said pastor Father Paul B. O’Brien, adding that the parish wanted to make these items available in the home of every parishioner. [Source]

This is actually a pretty good idea as a very basic Catholic toolbox. I would like the Tim Allen supersized Snap-On version. A giant red toolbox with room for a small library (think ancient library of Alexandria) or at least a laptop with a library of texts stored on DVD media. A built in kneeler would also be cool and some specialty shadow-boxed drawers for my Bible, Catechism, Liturgy of the Hours, and GIRM. Another drawer to hold various color highlighters for passage highlighting and of course a Holy Water dispenser. Now I would want some real tools also for those emergency Rosary repairs and gluing back on broken parts from various statues of Saints my pets have knocked over.

Clayton at The Weight of Glory has developed "Lord of the Thing."

A reader sent me a link to the following article.

JENNERSTOWN, Pa. — Twenty-five men of the cloth will be vying for a different fabric tomorrow: a checkered flag.

Jennerstown Speedway is holding its first-ever "Faster Pastor" auto race, a novelty featuring area clergy as drivers.

"We expected that five or so members of the clergy would be willing to take part," racetrack general manager Larry Mattingly said. "We ended up having to cut off the number of interested pastors at 25."

In fact, so many clergy members signed up for the race that they’ll have to share cars.

"That shouldn’t be a problem with this group," Mattingly said.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. I wonder if there might be different theological driving styles. Some might believe in salvation by race alone. That all is race. They of course would not have a pit stop. The goal of most preaching is to avoid the pit.

…At this week’s gathering, the group called on God to bless the city, alleviate the smog and put an end to crime. And though the temperature was soaring close to 30 C outside, it was nothing compared with the passion heating up Committee Room 1 at City Hall.

…"We felt it was crucial to pray for those who have been chosen to lead our city," says Rev. Dexter Quinlan, a pastor of Danforth Gospel Temple, a non-denominational church. "It doesn’t matter if we agree politically."

And according to Mr. Nicholson, the group’s efforts have had effects, most recently on the swift passage of the municipal budget. "We prayed for quick approval of the budget because we knew how long it took the previous year," he says. Not long after, a committee chairman told him, "Your prayers must really work because the budget went through so quickly this year." [Source]

Lord save us from a prolonged budget approval? I would be more inclined to pray Lord save us from budgets period. But as for smog, “for now we see through the air dimly, but one day face to face.”

One of my many worries is that some morning I will wake up with the urge to build a rosary of bowling balls in my front yard.

Laugh, clowns, it happened to a guy in Tennessee. Thirty-three AMF Black Beauties. Drilled. Seventy-pound-test dog chain between them.

“Jesus Christ,” said his neighbors. Exactly the reaction he was seeking. They’re lucky he didn’t do the gasoline stations of the cross. [Source]

Well that is one way to both slow down praying the rosary and to build forearm strength at the same time. Though if he drops a bead I hope he says "Hail Mary" instead of something else.

Kathy Shaidle replies in part to Andrew Sullivan:

…Unlike pro-gay "marriage" activists, divorcees, birth control users and those living together outside of wedlock are not campaigning to have their sins magically transformed into sacraments.

Organized gangs of troublemakers have yet to storm a cathedral and demand that the priest bless their IUDs. Those whose marriages are breaking up are not insisting that the Church invent a new ceremony to affirm their ok-ness. [Source]

I do wonder what a ceremony of ok-ness would be like? The Rite of Affirmation or the sacrament of Christian cessation where one is giving the grace to continue to do whatever it is they are already doing. Choosing an applicable scriptural verse might be difficult. We couldn’t have any of that "repent and …" or "go and sin no more" stuff. Maybe we could add the Me-atitudes – Blessed is me. Instead of what happened in the the old rite for confirmation you would instead slap the bishop if he dared disagree with you. The bishop would then apply a suitable oil perhaps like Sunflower oil because it sounds so happy and self-affirming, though it would need to be maintained at a luke-warm temperature. Then of course you would take on an appropriate affirmation name like "Narcissus" or "O Kay". During the ceremony Sinatra’s "I did it my way" would be played on a suitable instrument – anything but a pipe organ. The Sacrament of Affirmation would involve a special outpouring of good feeling from the person being affirmed about themselves. Instead of a Holy Card a pocket mirror could be given for remembrance of this special day. I really hope there aren’t any liturgists reading this. If they are then this text is copyrighted with no permission given to reenact.

The Rev. Daniel Rolland is a magician and a Catholic priest – and he’s able to do both at the same time.

"
I’m a priest who uses magic to illustrate spiritual truth," said Rolland, a Dominican priest who on July 1 will begin a yearlong sabbatical from the St. Thomas More Catholic Newman Center at the University of Arizona to travel the country and work on a lighthearted performance called "The Spiritual Magic of Father Daniel."

"
Magic is a medium to convey a message. Reason is set aside," he said. "It touches on a deep level to remind us that things are possible."

Rolland, a 40-year-old Scottsdale native who became a Dominican priest at age 29, has been practicing magic since he was 8 and though mixing the priesthood and magic may sound like sacrilege to some, he has never found a conflict.

Rather, his magic has turned into ministry. He counts among his friends many neo-Pagans, including Druids and Wiccans.

"
I thought it was just bizarre when I first heard about it," said Renee Schafer Horton, a 46-year-old Tucsonan who attends the Newman Center, 1615 E. Second St., with her husband and four children, ages 16 to 22.

" Then when I saw what he does. He does some really amazing things. He takes Christian concepts of forgiveness, redemption and new life and amazingly makes that into magic and puts it on a level that everyone can understand."

Rolland cuts ropes in half and makes them whole again. He turns on light bulbs without any electricity and has made fire appear and vanish. He asks a visitor to look at his hand, which he shakes until his solemn vows ring moves from his middle finger to his ring finger. His congregants have seen him burn articles about violence and suffering in the world and turn them into falling snowflakes.

"
I like the way he is able to incorporate spirituality with magic," said 20-year-old Abraham Jimenez, a UA sophomore who also attends the Newman Center. "My favorite is the one where he uses rubber bands and talks about boundaries. I like what he has to say."

Holding two rubber bands – one inside another that he holds between his thumb and forefinger – Rolland moves the inner rubber band around, explaining that sometimes we get ourselves into situations when we think we are free but we’re not. Boundaries prevent us from being all we can be, he says, showing that the inner band is is constrained by both the outer band and his hand. But then the magic happens: One rubber band appears to move right through the other and it is no longer constrained. Why? Jesus, he says, sets us free.

Rolland’s Catholic faith weighs heavily on how he practices magic – he doesn’t use any animals because he views any magic that makes animals disappear as a symbolic act of destroying life. Similarly, he will never saw anyone in half.

"
It looks odd for a priest to be putting knives into people – it’s an unsettling image," he said. "I want to be a positive influence for the church. The priesthood is part of who I am."

Indeed Rolland’s magic is fun, but it’s also a way to illustrate serious concepts from the Bible. The past two years, he has been performing his one-hour-and-15- minute spiritual magic show at local churches and for youth groups to a warm reception. His travel plans include a stop at the Roman Catholic Church’s World Youth Day, which is in Germany this year.
[Source]

He is not alone, there is also another priest magician Rev. Leo Goodman III and a priest ventriloquist Father Douglas Sweet.

The favorite trick of progressive magicians is "make the population of a convent disappear." Of course many modern church architects also give it a go with “make the tabernacle and kneelers disappear.”