Humor

A Catholic priest was robbed at gunpoint in his home by a man who had asked to be blessed, police have said.

The 69-year-old priest saw the man at the window of his home at St Oswald’s Church in Ashton-in-Makerfield, Greater Manchester, on Tuesday evening.

The man said he wanted to be blessed, but after the priest led him into the church, his accomplice burst in.

The pair threatened the priest with a gun before stealing a large amount of money from his adjoining presbytery.

Det Sgt Bill Nelson, from Greater Manchester Police, said the robbery was "despicable". [Source]

It does make me wonder if the robber asked on the way out "So a blessing now would be out of the question?"

              "The Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary"

WASHINGTON, DC (Roto Reuters) During the confirmation hearings for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Senate Judiciary Committee, Arlen Specter, asked the likely future Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: "Would you think that Roe might be a super-duper precedent in light of in light of 38 occasions to overrule it?" His question elicited so much reaction by people that Arlen Specter has now proposed a new bill mandating ratings of legal precedents using the very same technical language he invoked. If the bill passes the Supreme Court will be required to to assign these technical legal terms to all cited precedents.

For several hundred years, damaging hurricanes were named after the saint’s day when the storm hit. For example, there was Hurricane Santa Ana which hit Puerto Rico on July 26, 1825. According to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, there are saint’s days for about a third to a half of all days.

Then, Australian meteorologist Clement Wragge began giving women’s names to tropical storms before the end of the 19th century, according to the National Weather Service. [Source]

Well I am certainly glad they changed that practice. I think they should name hurricanes after politicians, after all damage caused by so much hot air would be appropriate.

Here is my phony image of the Pope in a papal golf cart from my World Misspent Youth Day parody.

Here is a picture from the AP of Global Electric Motorcars’a newly delivered electric car which will be used be Pope Benedict XVI for the small trip inside the Vatican, [Via Friary Notes]

Is there such a thing as prophetic parody? If so maybe I can be the punning papist prophet of parody.

Mark Shea posted a blog map by some unknown wit. Now I am familiar with the Shea Coast having come ashore into St. Blog’s via that route. Now I see Rad Tradia, but where is the continent of Cafeteria? Or is is like Atlantis sunk in the Gulf of Discord. And where is the Holy Sea? Shouldn’t it border the continent of Catholic bloggers?

Also check out Mark’s new podcast Rock Solid which you can subscribe to via iTunes or another podcast aggregator here. The folks at Catholic Exchange just need to embed some cover art into the file so that it can be displayed like most podcasts including Catholic Insider.

Matey, it is too bad that free Napster is gone but we still have so many wonderful choices like KaZaA, Morpheus, WinMX and Grokster to ensure that no file is left unpirated. Intellectual property, something some scurvy-dog of a lawyer came up with. Shiver me-file shares, I can remember the old days of pirating disks and cassettes me bucko and of course copying Styx’s “Pieces of Eight”. Now time to leave the blog spot and get me grog and give someone a black spot.

A reader sent me a link to a forum discussing liturgical bloopers with some pretty funny stories. Fr. Hamilton at Catholic Ragemonkey posted one his own last month.

I posted before on my own blooper before a Mass.

Well actually this wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me at Church. Once before Mass I was praying at an altar rail before the Blessed Sacrament. Some time had passed and my legs fell asleep. When I got up I started to fall and grabbed the top of the altar rail to stabilize myself. The rail was covered in marble and where I grabbed wasn’t very secure since about a three foot section of marble came off and I fell backwards and had that section of altar rail laying on top of me. People made sure I was alright and pulled that section off of me.

Are you suffering from mild to severe conscience pangs? Are there blockages in your moral life? Are you selfish and uncharitable? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions you might be suffering from hardening of the heart. This is an extremely serious condition and you must go to the right doctor immediately. If not correctly treated immediately upon death you might suffer something far worse than just heart burn, though burn is an apt metaphor.

Hi, I am Jesus the Divine Physician! Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I came not to call the righteous, but sinners and that means you. I specialize in hardened hearts and will have your moral life up and running in no time. I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts. Stony heart replacement surgery is 100 percent effective. Don’t fall for conscience bypass surgeries that promise you will feel better by simply bypassing your conscience. Instead get to the root or should I say heart of your real problem. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. I knowest the hearts of all men so who is better to perform stony heart replacement surgery than myself? I am also able to cure moral blindness so that you might not fall in a pit.

This is no miracle cure, though I am experienced in that field too, but a call to repentance and trust in my most merciful heart. All things are possible to him who believes. Repentance is perfectly natural with no adverse side effects and your natural heart will be pumping the blood of charity in no time. I don’t promise the lack of pain or the cross, in fact the cross is part of the treatment; so that you made be made perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect. Your outpatient treatment must continue through the rest of your life, but you will have joy and gladness as you receive the good news.

I am available 24/7 and I have a great cloud of witnesses on my staff who are also available at all hours of the day. I would be remiss not to mention the Holy Spirit also on staff. In fact when you hire me you get the Father and the Holy Spirit too. Three for the price of one and being that prayer does not rely on land lines or cell towers we are always available at the bend of a knee. My mother who is a good Jewish mother is also on call and will take just as good of care you as she did for me. So why wait? Act now since you have nothing to lose but your soul! Do you think that your are not strong enough for treatment? Don’t be afraid. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Are you rich or poor in spirit? It makes not matter to me since all can call upon my name and my services are absolutely free because I already paid your price on the cross. Some begrudge my generosity, but I am always available to you at any part of your life – start , middle, or the end. Call on me and endure to the end and I will save you through grace.

* cross posted at Spero News

From a press release by the Church of Scientology International

Christianity teaches that Heaven is a place where one will live and bask in the glory of God the All-mighty. However, there is scientific technological proof that Heaven exists only as a studio state mock-up built by space aliens, and that Jesus Christ was an imaginary movie actor created by those space aliens. If you wish to learn the facts, just visit any Scientology store and ask to purchase the Philadelphia Doctorate Course #24 and HCO Bulletin May 11, 1963.

The scientific fact, discovered by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, is that Jesus Christ, Heaven, and Christianity are all part of what is technically called the "R6 Implant." This implant was created by psychiatrists from outer space some 45 trillion years ago to fool souls into believing in God and thus enslaving them forever with the belief that one is accountable to that God.

"Somebody somewhere on this planet, back about 600 BC, found some pieces of R6, and I don’t know how they found it, either by watching madmen or something, but since that time they have used it and it became what is known as Christianity," said L. Ron Hubbard. "The man on the Cross! There was no Christ."

Hubbard also discovered in the same year that Heaven exists on a planet somewhere in this solar system and is made up of robotic mannequins, electron beam guns, movie screens, movie projectors, and assorted studio effects. This was proven in 1963 by L. Ron Hubbard and it continues to be scientifically proven every day by Scientologists since then.

Hubbard visited Heaven several times during this and previous lives. He described Heaven in a technological scientific paper titled "Routine Three — Heaven, Hubbard Communications Office Bulletin May 11, After-Dianetics Thirteen."

"The gates of the first series [of implants] are well done, well built. An avenue of statues of saints leads up to them. The gate pillars are surmounted by marble angels. The entering grounds are very well kept, laid out like Bush Gardens in Pasadena, so often seen in the movies. Aside from the implant boxes which lie across from each other on the walk there are other noises and sounds as though the saints are defending and berating." Hubbard then discovered "The place, by implant and inference, was supposed to be in the sky like a floating island. Actually it was simply a high place in the mountains of a planet and the gates pathway falls away into a gorge, very eroded and bare by the time of the second implant, but heavily forested and rolling at the time of the first."

You may use this technology to be free of religion and Christianity forever. For a limited time you may purchase this technology for only $450 for the Philadelphia Doctorate Course #24 and $150 for Routine Three – Heaven. All major credit cards are accepted. [Source]

I thought at first that this was some kind of parody, but the quotes listed are actually from L. Ron Hubbard. I knew some of the wacky stuff like body thetans and such, but this is a whole other level. No wonder St. Paul couldn’t describe heaven. He had no words for robotic mannequins and electron beam guns.