Humor

In an article about electronic giving for church collections.

For Catholics, who historically have lower donation levels than other denominations and fund almost all their activities through the money placed in the collection plate, having parishioners on a steady donation system is almost revolutionary.

Dennis Corcoran, director of operations for The Church of the Presentation, said he decided to explore ways the parish could stabilize its income after asking the church’s finance council how they came up with a budget: "They joked with me and said ‘We sit in a room and burn incense and throw a number up in the air."’

Hey I like that one. They could have made it even more Catholic by also interceding with St. Matthew the Apostle who is the patron saint of Money Managers.

About a third of the church’s 1,100 households who regularly attend service have signed on to give electronically, Corcoran said.

In the summer vacation months, the collection used to range from $16,000 to $21,000 a week. Last summer, the church’s second using ParishPay, income averaged about $20,000 to $22,000 a week, he said.

When these services first came out, parishioners and church personnel had their concerns. Namely, is this OK with God?

Corcoran said spiritually there’s nothing wrong with electronic giving and it’s a natural progression for the church.

"There was no monetary gifts back in the early church," he said. "You donated a goat or a chicken. It was a huge leap when they went to putting a check in the collection basket."

One of the biggest concerns for parishioners and church officials has been the feeling of letting the basket pass by as the congregation watches. The companies usually give the congregations envelopes or post-it notes that can put in the collection basket in lieu of cash or check.

In today’s society where many Americans carry significant credit card debt, some churches are hesitant to offer congregants another way to run up their bill.

If your worried about what others think as the collection plate passes by you need to work on that fault not have something like post-it notes to assuage it. I am speaking from experience on this being that my decision to enter the Catholic Church occurred only a couple months before Easter that year I ended up spending over a year not receiving Communion. You do worry about what other people might think are the reasons you are not receiving, but I recognized it as a fault that I needed grace to overcome.

Now as for the consideration about Americans with significant credit card debt what is the big deal? After all if the follow past practices electronically donating a dollar won’t put them significantly more in debt.

Now I would think the PayPal would be better and more Catholic system than one called ParishPay. After all haven’t your ever read PayPal encyclicals?

Though the real solution would be for them to have bought my Tith-O-Matic.

Of which I did a story at Spero News about. As a consequence an Australian diocesan magazine paid to run my parody and after they did one of the priests in the diocese reportedly didn’t realize it was a parody and called the diocese to order one. This was told to me by the editor of that diocesan magazine.

Greg at The Discernment Dilemma has ably gone into the Jester’s territory with his first product parody Tridentine.

Which reminds me I have been meaning to link to the Trid love song.

I think I have seen too many Chucky, Puppet Master, and assorted killer doll movies because my first thought when seeing this picture was not exactly pious.

WEST Hampstead sculptor Oliver Green is using his divine skills for charitable purposes. The enterprising 55-year-old, who lives in Spode Walk, is selling his bronze casts of Pope John Paul II on the internet. He said: "The money that is made goes to three charities: an orphanage, a children’s charity in Cambodia and a disabled children’s charity in Pattaya in Thailand." The statues cost £499.99. For more information visit www.bronzeheaven.com.

In a story about The United Methodist Church and an upcoming ecclesiastical court decision on lesbians in ministry The Mighty Barrister responds:

Here’s some news to Mr. Symonette and Ms. Stroud: God discriminates, and He does so with extreme prejudice. He hates sin. If God fires you from Heaven there is no ecclesiastical or secular court to which you can complain, no appeal from His decision. He is the Supreme legislature, and He makes the laws, not us. He is the Supreme Judge, sitting in final Judgment on the true Supreme Court (SCOTKOH – Supreme Court of the Kingdom of Heaven). He is the final arbiter of what is right and just.

The thought of God firing you from Heaven is interesting. Though I don’t think it would be quite like Donald Trump saying "Your Fired" and to be "fired" from Heaven is a double entendre. Of course God is an equal opportunity employer and will hire anybody who applies if they have the right qualifications. Make sure Baptism is on your resume or at least an approved equivalent standard like Baptism by Blood, or Baptism of Desire. God is willing to hire us for Heavenly work but we need to do what we can to get our place of employment and there is a narrow road leading up to the Heavenly offices so we do have to be careful about our commute. Oh and he has this thing about sheep and goats. Make sure you are firmly in the sheep camp – office politics and all that.

Plato’s Stepchild tagged me with the following meme.

The rules are as follows:

1.Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

So from the post Top ten list for you might be in a "spirit of Vatican II" parish if:

Everybody but a priest or deacon delivers the homily.

Surprisingly this was my first attempt at humor on my blog and that it actually took me 23 posts before my inner jester took control.

I will inflict this on A Wing and a Prayer, Committed to an Institute, GKC’s Favourite, The World According to Me , Thoughts of a Regular Guy.

Michelle Malkin reports about a what seems to be photo manipulation by USA of a picture by Condi Rice.

Now this is probably the case that this photo was doctored. But possibly the picture is real and reveals something much more disturbing.

This is a picture of a Goa’uld – a despotic conquering race on SG-1. Notice any similarities? SG-1 has run episodes where the truth was kept from the population in general of the existence of the Goa’uld who had at time infiltrated the government at the highest levels. Today the The Sci Fi Channel announced today that had renewed Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis for the 2006-2007 season. Stargate SG-1 will become the longest-running US science fiction program as it enters its 10th season. Is there another reason for its longevity? Could the writers be trying to warn us about something? I hope that this is only the case of another doctored photo or at least that she might be a Tok’ra instead.

Update: USA Today has removed the doctored photo. Did the system lords quench this? Thanks also to Michelle Malkin for the link back to this post.

No not another one of my parodies but a real product called the iBelieve which is a replacement cap and lanyard for Apple’s iPod shuffle. On their page it says:

"But now bring me a man who plays music, And when the man played music, the groove came upon them." 2 Jobs 3:15

Shouldn’t that be Steve Jobs 3:15? They are also donating $2.00 from each sale to Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund and various Children’s charities.

Now I would have though of the iPod shuffle more suitable as a Darwinist device being that the shuffle plays songs randomly. But being that the randomness is only apparent since it relies on a higher intelligence to program the appearance of randomness; I can think that it goes along with those who believe in theistic playlists, that in fact the randomly selected songs are actually providently selected.

Here are some reactions to the combination of a shuffle and a cross.

I never thought something so symbolic could be made so crass…I was wrong

and

Now I can fight vampires while rockin’ out!!
Are there any garlic-encrusted cases for the iPod yet…

Now is this trend more evidence of music worship and the cult of superstars? Probably, but I imagine it could be used as a good topic starter for a budding apologist. Now even though I am a iPod owner I have definitely noticed a cult of iPod and the staunch defenders of other MP3 players. There is almost a tone of apologetics in the articles in support of the various music playing devices. I can easily image an iPod owner who buys another device being branded a heretic. With all the fancy protective cases available for the iPod and the reverence held for them by some owners I am surprised that a line of iPod reliquaries has not come out.

Via Cnytr the other day I ran across the blog iDominican.

Now this seems to be properly ordered to their own sphere, but maybe for visual ordering he needs a larger first-class relic of Saint Thomas Aquinas or a smaller iPod.

The third movie based on the "Left Behind? series of novels about Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ is opening on 3,200 screens across the U.S. ? not one of them in a commercial theater.

Instead, "Left Behind: World at War? will be shown exclusively in churches. [Source]

Add that to another good reason to be Catholic. We might get poor catechesis and ho-hum homilies, but at least we are not subjected to the acting of Kirk Cameron.

Computer chips that store music could soon be built into a woman’s breast implants.

One boob could hold an MP3 player and the other the person’s whole music collection. BT futurology, who have developed the idea, say it could be available within 15 years.

BT Laboratories’ analyst Ian Pearson said flexible plastic electronics would sit inside the breast. A signal would be relayed to headphones, while the device would be controlled by Bluetooth using a panel on the wrist. [Source][Via Contemplating the Laundry]

Well if they built in the new video iPod it would give new meaning to the words boob tube. Though I guess it would help some to stay abreast of the news. I wonder if they would use flash mammary?

Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What is is with story after story that birds flew. Bird flew this and Bird flew that? Why all the the scary stories of birds that flew and then jumping on the human population? Has Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds had a revival now and people are suffering from paranoid feelings against birds? Of course birds flew what did they think that all birds were like ostriches? People need to get out more and stop watching television. If they did that they would know birds flew and they could see it for themselves everyday in the skies.

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Chevy Chase: The stories are about bird flu or avian influenza which is called the H5N1 virus which is highly contagious among bird and fatal and can be spread to humans. Additionally the stories mentioned that Asian virus could mutate and jump to humans not that birds jump on humans.

Emily Litella: Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.