Humor

Darwin at Darwin Catholic writes:

Folks, it’s time for me to come out against torture. Some would say that my sins mean that I deserve what I’m getting, but as sure as there is a God in heaven, this retribution is too much.

Here I was spending a few idle moments at work reading over the Gather Us In parodies at the Society for a Moratorium on the Music of Marty Haugen and David Haas and now I cannot get the tune of Gather Us In out of my head. For two days now.

Do I need an exorcism? A vacation? A drink? What will make it stop?

I suggested that an exorcism should do the trick. Simply repeat:

"The Power of Chant compels you."
"The Power of Chant compels you."
"The Power of Chant compels you."

We were warned about such things by Jesus. "where their earworm does not die, and the fire is not quenched." Gather Us In is definitely a case that requires prayer and fasting from insipid lyrics. If only it was as simple as driving a stake through a Gather hymnal or liberally dousing an OCP hymnal with Holy Water. Though such things are better left to the professional exorcists. I have seen too many layman lulled to sleep by modern hymns which are part of the lethargical year.

Men in Serbia are lining up to have electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment.

Serbian fertility expert Dr Sava Bojovic, who runs one of the clinics offering the service, said the small electric shock makes men temporarily infertile by stunning their sperm into a state of immobility.

He said: "We attach electrodes to either side of the testicles and send low electricity currents flowing through them.

"This stuns the sperm, effectively putting them to sleep for up to 10 days, which means couples can have sex without fear of getting pregnant.

"The method does not kill the sperm permanently and it does not affect the patient’s health."

Dr Bojovic added patients were now lining up at his fertility clinic in Novi Banovci for the shock treatment, as it had none of the problems attached to using condoms, the male pill or having a vasectomy.

He added: "We are hoping to have a small battery powered version on sale in the shops in time for Xmas." [Source]

Cletus Huckleberry who sent me this link comments.

Something tells me that, unlike the pill and other popular methods of birth control, testicle shocking won’t foster a great deal of dissent from Church teaching.

Cletus, however, thinks this is how contraception really ought to be: A frighteningly absurd act so obviously contrary to nature that no man in his right mind would ever consider doing it.

I am with Cletus on this and that this is symbolic of how contraception should really be. Something more closely evident that we are doing something wrong and separating ourselves from God. Though regardless of the appearance and side effects it will not deter many. The pill has many serious side effects that if they were connected with any other drug would have been banned by now. Even if every condom sold was lubricated with pepper spray it probably would not deter use much as you might think. Children are now seen as the greatest possible side effect that outweigh any others.

On a less serious note would someone remark that they have "stunning sperm?" What if the charge was too high and instead of stunning it resulted in death – could the manufacturer be charged with testicular homicide? Or would it be considered unmanned slaughter. What in the world are they going to call this product and how will the advertise it. A catchy name like Nutzap with Great Balls of Fire as the jingle – A little zap will do ya? Would repeated zaps cause a man to be irritable and testis?

I come upon a new way to revitalize your prayer life. One that I have not found in reading the lives of the saints or even from the preeminent Doctors of the Church when it comes to the prayer life — St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross. Mostly my prayer life instead of wondering at the supreme mysteries of God and faith instead wandered into the vapid concerns of everyday life. Sure I have heard that just trying to pray is prayer and not to worry about distractions. But considering the number of distractions while praying I decided to try another tact.

Now what I try to do each day is to set aside some time to be distracted. To do this each and every day even if I am not in the mode to be distracted. I now prepare myself each day by first turning on the TV to set up my time of disquiet. I then read some upsetting news and I am just about all set. I then start busying myself with mundane worries. Subsequently I am all prepared for my time of deep distraction with thoughts flying to and fro colliding with each other and concentrating on first one distraction one minute and then another. While working and trying to be deeply distracted I would then be interrupted by prayer. When I would notice my mind had wandered into prayer I would then concentrate and try to go back to being distracted, but it was no use prayer just kept getting in the way and I was just unable to stay distracted. Instead of miseries, mysteries popped into my head. Instead of the benign, the divine.

I call this the way of distraction. I had figured if I had been interrupted by distractions while praying that I would be interrupted by prayer while trying to be distracted. Now you might not be the master of the distracted life as I am, but just keep at it. After all the whole world is working to help you to achieve the distracted life. From what I have read I know there are a lot of you out there who are already deep into the distracted life. I have been thinking of setting up "distracted groups" that could get together to help each other out in the distracted life. Or maybe I will write about called The Interior Cubicle all about the levels of distraction. There are seven basic levels of distraction and maybe I can help people out by detailing the signs and effects of each level of the distracted life so that they can see which cubicle they are currently in. Though I would warn people not to think they are superior because they are in a higher cubicle of the distracted life than others.

Now on a more serious note I would point you to this post on the subject of distractions by one of my favorite bloggers Steven Riddle.

MANILA-Roman Catholics seeking heavenly intercession can now text message the Virgin Mary from their mobile phones.

"Text Mary" allows users to send prayers via Short Message Service (SMS), which are then relayed to churches. Priests read the prayers during Mass.

The new service, introduced by local business Naimar Management Inc. under contract to churches, costs 2.5 pesos (5 yen) per prayer.

The service capitalizes on both Filipino’s religious ardor and their zeal for text messaging.

About 100 million SMS messages are sent in the Philippines every day-roughly twice the world average [Source]

Whenever I IM Mary I just keep getting "Do wutevA he tells U" back. Though the internet is much like the Communion of Saints. Each saint has an I.P. address – Intercessory Prayer. Though there is never any packet loss and messaging is truly instant. Of course Christ being the head of the Mystical Body in this case also acts as the backbone for messaging in the Communion of Saints. Though I do wonder when we ask the Old Testament Saints to pray for us if it goes over Esthernet.

Daniel Vitz sent me a link to a news story that is making the rounds around St. Blogs. Rich Lugari also posted on this.

Famiglia Cristiana, Italy’s best selling Catholic weekly raised more than a few eyebrows when it chose to run an ad which featured the image of a woman’s bottom through a slightly steamed glass door.

The advertisement was for bathroom ventilators, so I would imagine the underlying message was simply, “if you would like a better view of this, buy our ventilators.”

Famiglia Cristiana’s director, Don Antonio Sciortino, appeared extremely impatient with all the attention that his magazine was receiving just because of an advert.

"People are making a big thing out of this when really it doesn’t merit it. We haven’t breached a taboo or reversed our policy. I don’t think a female figure behind dirty, steamed up glass can cause particular agitation," he said. He admitted that the advert was on the borderline of what his magazine would publish and said a few subscribers might be slightly bothered by it. "If so we’ll start a debate among readers," he added.

The story is here with a picture from the ad.

My take on this is that it is actually a subtle rebuke on some Protestant’s concept of the rapture. That not only is there a "left behind", but a "right behind" also; you don’t want to go off half-assed. As so frequently happens in Catholic discourse is is not either/or, but both/and so it is not just the "left behind", but the right also. Sometimes we need to get to the bottom of theology just as long as we are not too cheeky or become asinine.

I. Shawn McElhinney suggests in my comments that with this nomination that perhaps considering Judge Lance Ito and the “Dancing Itos” that I might come up with a “Dancing Alito” parody. Well that suggestion was just too good to pass up and the nomination has made me even more light-hearted and so without further adieu.

The Amazin’ Dancin’ Alito

In an article about electronic giving for church collections.

For Catholics, who historically have lower donation levels than other denominations and fund almost all their activities through the money placed in the collection plate, having parishioners on a steady donation system is almost revolutionary.

Dennis Corcoran, director of operations for The Church of the Presentation, said he decided to explore ways the parish could stabilize its income after asking the church’s finance council how they came up with a budget: "They joked with me and said ‘We sit in a room and burn incense and throw a number up in the air."’

Hey I like that one. They could have made it even more Catholic by also interceding with St. Matthew the Apostle who is the patron saint of Money Managers.

About a third of the church’s 1,100 households who regularly attend service have signed on to give electronically, Corcoran said.

In the summer vacation months, the collection used to range from $16,000 to $21,000 a week. Last summer, the church’s second using ParishPay, income averaged about $20,000 to $22,000 a week, he said.

When these services first came out, parishioners and church personnel had their concerns. Namely, is this OK with God?

Corcoran said spiritually there’s nothing wrong with electronic giving and it’s a natural progression for the church.

"There was no monetary gifts back in the early church," he said. "You donated a goat or a chicken. It was a huge leap when they went to putting a check in the collection basket."

One of the biggest concerns for parishioners and church officials has been the feeling of letting the basket pass by as the congregation watches. The companies usually give the congregations envelopes or post-it notes that can put in the collection basket in lieu of cash or check.

In today’s society where many Americans carry significant credit card debt, some churches are hesitant to offer congregants another way to run up their bill.

If your worried about what others think as the collection plate passes by you need to work on that fault not have something like post-it notes to assuage it. I am speaking from experience on this being that my decision to enter the Catholic Church occurred only a couple months before Easter that year I ended up spending over a year not receiving Communion. You do worry about what other people might think are the reasons you are not receiving, but I recognized it as a fault that I needed grace to overcome.

Now as for the consideration about Americans with significant credit card debt what is the big deal? After all if the follow past practices electronically donating a dollar won’t put them significantly more in debt.

Now I would think the PayPal would be better and more Catholic system than one called ParishPay. After all haven’t your ever read PayPal encyclicals?

Though the real solution would be for them to have bought my Tith-O-Matic.

Of which I did a story at Spero News about. As a consequence an Australian diocesan magazine paid to run my parody and after they did one of the priests in the diocese reportedly didn’t realize it was a parody and called the diocese to order one. This was told to me by the editor of that diocesan magazine.

Greg at The Discernment Dilemma has ably gone into the Jester’s territory with his first product parody Tridentine.

Which reminds me I have been meaning to link to the Trid love song.

I think I have seen too many Chucky, Puppet Master, and assorted killer doll movies because my first thought when seeing this picture was not exactly pious.

WEST Hampstead sculptor Oliver Green is using his divine skills for charitable purposes. The enterprising 55-year-old, who lives in Spode Walk, is selling his bronze casts of Pope John Paul II on the internet. He said: "The money that is made goes to three charities: an orphanage, a children’s charity in Cambodia and a disabled children’s charity in Pattaya in Thailand." The statues cost £499.99. For more information visit www.bronzeheaven.com.

In a story about The United Methodist Church and an upcoming ecclesiastical court decision on lesbians in ministry The Mighty Barrister responds:

Here’s some news to Mr. Symonette and Ms. Stroud: God discriminates, and He does so with extreme prejudice. He hates sin. If God fires you from Heaven there is no ecclesiastical or secular court to which you can complain, no appeal from His decision. He is the Supreme legislature, and He makes the laws, not us. He is the Supreme Judge, sitting in final Judgment on the true Supreme Court (SCOTKOH – Supreme Court of the Kingdom of Heaven). He is the final arbiter of what is right and just.

The thought of God firing you from Heaven is interesting. Though I don’t think it would be quite like Donald Trump saying "Your Fired" and to be "fired" from Heaven is a double entendre. Of course God is an equal opportunity employer and will hire anybody who applies if they have the right qualifications. Make sure Baptism is on your resume or at least an approved equivalent standard like Baptism by Blood, or Baptism of Desire. God is willing to hire us for Heavenly work but we need to do what we can to get our place of employment and there is a narrow road leading up to the Heavenly offices so we do have to be careful about our commute. Oh and he has this thing about sheep and goats. Make sure you are firmly in the sheep camp – office politics and all that.