Humor

During the last couple of days the majority of Catholic blogs have linked to negative reviews of The Da Vinci Code movie, kind of a gloat bloat has appeared. It of course makes us quite happy that the film is a stinker since less people will be influenced negatively by it, or that the film makes Dan Brown’s propositions even dumber (if that’s possible).

I think something else is going on though. What if Methodist Ron Howard took one for the team? After all is he a quite capable, though not great, director. What if he purposely gave the movie the Springtime for Hitler treatment? That he purposely made the movie bad. By doing the movie himself he insures that no one else will make it anytime soon. He also has some great plausible deniability when it comes to doing this. After his remake of the "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" people are quite willing to accept that he is quite capable of a stinker. So thank you Ron Howard.

Update: I guess I wasn’t the only one thinking this. Amy Welborn posted a comment from Jules called "Springtime for Constantine"

CathCon really does find the most amazing pictures. This one is a from a "Find Fight Follow" youth Mass in Vienna sanctioned by the Cardinal Archbishop of Vienna. Having seen Pink Floyd and Yes in concert I don’t mind light shows. But as a recall the light show at Calvary was everything going dark. Maybe they can borrow the giant floating pig from Pink Floyd’s Animal tour. It would be appropriate for the reading when Peter has the dream about nothing being unclean. Now if you are going to do the rock concert stick at Mass shouldn’t everyone pull out their lighters during the consecration? Of course instead of just holding out a lighter in front of them they should hold in above their heads in a Pentecost imitation. During the kiss of peace the priest could crowd-surf.

namespace DVC
{
class DaVinciCode : HolyBloodHolyGrail
{
// Set values, later to be overridden by Dan Brown method
bool monksInOpusDei = false;
bool jesusMarriedMaryMagdalene = false;
bool existenceOfPrioryOfZion = false;
bool bibleCollatedByConstantine = false;
bool nicaeaCreatedDivinityOfChrist = false;
bool gospelsLaterEditedToSupportClaims = false;
bool cupMissingFromLastSupper = false;
bool saintJohnNotInPicture = false;
public void Book()
{
while (peopleWillingToBelieveAnything && christianBashingAcceptable)
{
bookSales++;
movieHype++;
danBrownsBankAccount++;
historicalAccuracy--;
artHistoryAccuracy--;
skepticism--;
badWriting++;
if (asLongAsItIsNotTheVirginMary)
divineFeminineSupport++;
mainStreamMediaChallengeCredibility = false;
string excuse = "It's a fictional book";
string action = "Spend hours writing to debunking books complaining that "
+ excuse;
bool seeContradictionSpendingTimeDefendingFiction = false;
foreach (media outlet in mainStreamMedia)
{
bool freePublicity = true;
bool notPointOutObviousFlaws = true;
bool dontOffendMuslimsAtAllCosts = true;
bool christianBashingOkayThough = true;
bool misrepresentOpusDei = true;
bool askIsJusticeScaliaAMember = true;
}
}
}
}
}

It is nice to see Jesuits holding the line.

[See Roamin Roman for the rest of the story]

Gerald has found a story of a curious gift being given.

Since the start of 2006, the Austrian Diocese of Graz has begun sending a curious gift to all young people who celebrate their 18th birthday: a USB hard drive with information about the Catholic Church.

According to the Kath.net news agency, the portable hard drives contain information about the Diocese of Graz presented in a manner that is attractive to young people, as well as texts about the Catholic faith and a series of basic Christian prayers.

Gerald later updated his post to list the what the contents of the USB drive are. Judging by the limited comments the flash drive must require all of 512k. As one commenter said on his site "I’m curious as to what type of formation they provide for the first seventeen years." To say the least the contents are nothing beyond extremely basic information that should already be well-known by any truly catechized Catholic. Though judging from some of the wackiness that has occurred in this diocese before catechized Catholic are in short supply. St. Paul talked about "I fed you with milk, not solid food; for you were not ready for it; and even yet you are not ready," Though a diocese giving a lifetime supply of milk is not exactly spiritually nourishing.

I posted before about a Bible shaped thumbdrive and wished at the time for a Catholic version.

Now a Catholic version like the RSV-CE with the Catechism and the documents of Vatican II with a good search program would be pretty cool. Though maybe I will market a Spirit of Vatican II USB drive. I should get a good markup since it would consist of a connector and a case and I wouldn’t actually need any flash memory for VII documents since they wouldn’t know the difference.

Revisiting the subject I thought of possibly some cool specifically Catholic USB flash drives.

Introducing the St. Catherine of Siena USB 2.0 Hi-Speed Flash Drive!

The detachable head is a third degree relic since it has been touched to the relic of the head of St. Catherine of Siena.

Each statue flash drive comes with the Dialog of Catherine of Siena and many of her letters are included.

St. Catherine of Siena statue drives are available in 2, 4, and 8 gig enough to store all your documents including your Catechism, Bible, and Summa Theologica.

So whether you are a Dominican or just a geek with POD sensitivities you know you want the St. Catherine of Siena statue flash drive with detachable head for you collection!

You usually carry around Holy Water with you so why not also store all your data with only one device. Our Holy Water is especially formulated with water that won’t short out your keyboard or computer when you toss Holy Water on them after your computer has crashed once again or you need to exorcise some spyware.

The Bishop of Leeds, the Rev Arthur Roche, admitted defeat this week when he told teenagers from across the diocese that his attempts at composing and singing a rap song had come to nothing. He told hundreds of delegates to the ‘Plugged In’ series of Easter reflections that he had hoped to be able to inspire them through music, but after getting the thumbs down from his great nephews, had decided to write them a booklet on going out and spreading the Word of God in their communities instead.
[Via Relapsed Catholic]

Well if his nephew didn’t like it does that make his attempt a bum rap? Though it is a probably a good thing that it didn’t work out or we could possible see a strange budding career of a bishop wearing a pectoral cross along side his pectoral Mercedes Benz medallion. And how would you a address a rapping bishop? Your Eminemcence? Would rapping bishops be a sign of the end times invoking the Rap-ture?

Via a reader is this news report.

Mass was canceled Tuesday morning at St. Bartholomew’s Church in Wilmore after the priest walked in and found the tabernacle ransacked and several sacred items stolen. The suspect or suspects entered the church through the metal, double locked, back door by prying it open. Once inside, they knocked over the tabernacle, stole two chalises, the host and the incense. They even bent an iron cross. Police say whoever is responsible, definetly had something against the Catholic religion. Summer Hill Township Police and the state police spent the morning investigating and were able to lift fingerprints from the scene. So far, there are no suspects in this incident. The Altoona Johnstown Catholic Diocese says no masses will be held at St. Bartholomew’s until the church is blessed and made holy again.

An APB has been issued for Fr. Richard Vosco since this fits his profile.

If you read the Divine Office you become quite familiar with the Canticle from Daniel 3:57 which gets heavy rotation (liturgical payola involved?). It contains such phrases as "Cold and chill, bless the Lord; praise and exalt him above all forever, Frost and chill, bless the Lord. Ice and snow, bless the Lord, Mountains and hills, bless the Lord."

Now being a resident of Florida these passages normally don’t speak to me, so I pondered what if Daniel had been exiled to Florida instead? What might he have written in those circumstances?

Heat and humidity, bless the Lord
praise and exalt him above all forever
Gators and geckos, bless the Lord
Lack of mountains and hills, bless the Lord
Swamps and wetlands, bless the Lord
Thunderstorms and hurricanes, bless the Lord
You Manatees and all water creatures, bless the Lord
Birds of the air and tourists flying South, bless the Lord
Fireants and giant cockroaches, bless the Lord

The real reason Ron Howard took on The Da Vinci Code was that he thought Opus Dei was Latin for Opie Die.

Via relapsed catholic is this story about the Bible clutch

New York designer Femme Sud, maker of the new leather Bible clutch, has found that coveting thy neighbor’s handbag isn’t always a bad thing — especially when said handbag sells for $495.

Each book-shaped Bible bag is nearly twice the size of a standard-issue Gideon Good Book and comes with vamp-red lipstick and a coin purse that says “Pennies from Heaven,” the New York Post reports.

But why sport a fashion statement of biblical proportions?

Apparently, it’s a sure-fire way to attract attention from the opposite sex.

"I went out in Houston with a friend and was carrying my Bible bag," said Robin Goetz, who co-designed the pious purses with Joanna Lipman. "We couldn’t even have a conversation because every two minutes another guy would come over to ask about it."

…"Bible-shaped handbags are nothing more than a cheap way for Christian zealots to shove their religion down the throat of agnostics and atheists. Which is why the Catholic League loves them. Our advice to ACLU attorneys — don’t leave home without one,” Catholic League chief William Donohue said.

Well I guess if your a fashion fundamentalist with close to 500 bucks to spare and want a purse to thump this might be cool. Some have said the religion and the Bible is used as a crutch, well know it is used also as a clutch. Exactly what shoes go with Bible clutch? Well sandals make the most sense, especially if they have a non-stick coating to easily brush the dust off as you leave a town that has rejected the Gospel.

Though the inside cover is not exactly pious.