Humor

A reader has started a new blog dedicated to noisy churches.

This site is for you, if the noise before your Liturgy / Service prevents you and others from saying your prayers. If the same is true about the noise and chattering during the service – you’re just as welcome.

We shall be awarding icons of 1, 2, or 3 stars to Churches / Congregations who satisfy us as being worthy of note and more importantly – improvement.

Please DO email us with a description of a Church you know or attend. Be SPECIFIC regarding the noise problem and if possible, provide us with a link to it’s website or email (photos would be good too!)

This is NOT about ridicule. It’s about making our churches into Sacred Spaces to be with / before the Lord and hear what he has to say to us.

That said, we won’t be too serious either.

Now when it comes to noisy parishes we can just grin and bear it, but I think we can spend some time grinning about the subject also. Instead of just griping we can also laugh on the subject also. But it is a subject many can commiserate on. My own parish does not have this problem, but when I attend Mass at other parishes I have definitely heard the phenomenon while attempting to pray prior to or after Mass. Even Jesus would leave to go to a quiet place to pray. He didn’t just head to the gates in Jerusalem or other noisy places to pray.

Some parishes sound like a movie theater prior to a movie. Sometimes you can almost imagine a parish having to play one of those "Silence is Golden" clips that often get played just before a movie starts. Reminders to turn off their cell phone and to not add their own sound track to the movie. From my own limited experience I have noticed the amount of noise to be a reciprocal of the reverence of the Mass. The more reverent the Masses said the least likely people are talking before it. The more the Mass is intended as what seems to be just entertainment the more it is treated as such.

In fact I can think of a career opportunity in this field.

A consulting firm that goes around measuring the noise in Church could be a grand idea. A db (Devotional Boundary) meter would be required. The higher the reading the less chance of devotion will occur. The measurement is logarithmic for example just a 3 Devotional Boundary increase would be the equivalent from just three people talking around you to fifty people talking around you. Another 3 db increase and more-than-likely only people who are deaf can pray.

Though maybe just taking readings and later publishing them will not be that effective. Putting signs around entrances to the church would probably be as effective as posted speed signs.

Though possibly we could set up something like those radar speeds signs posted on trailers showing your current speed could be effective. These usually do make people more aware and to slow down wherever these trailers are found.

Something like this.

There has been much talk recently about Microsoft planning their own digital music player which has been talked about as an “iPod Killer.” Microsoft has not made it official an announced a product line called Zune which will include both audio, video and eventually gaming capabilities.

Now I wondered how it was that Microsoft would go about making an iPod killer? The iPod has the predominate market share and with it integrated with iTunes it would be pretty hard for Microsoft to gain substantial market share. Since Microsoft’s normal tactic of buying out a competitor won’t work in the case of Apple. A portable player with a blue-screen-of-death capability doesn’t sound all that promising. Just how is Microsoft planning to achieve this feat since it obviously can’t have anything to do with superior design or aesthetic qualities. Can a company that put out Windows XP with screen design that looks like it was put together by Fischer-Price know anything about design?

So I decided to do some investigation to find out just what they were up to.

The apparent pictures of the device gives it a good wide screen form factor for video content and the navigation looks like a take-off on the very usable iPod click wheel interface. Good design should be copied from other companies to the extent patents allow. In fact Apple could learn a thing to two from Microsoft when it comes to mice like one button only sucks. I decided to do some patent searches to see what Microsoft might have patented lately to give them an edge over the competition.

What I found is disturbing to say the least.

This patent covers a new type of coil that is able to not only to build up and hold a large charge, but also releases it extremely quickly in a very specific frequency range.

For the life of me at first I couldn’t figure out what this capability would be used for in an audio/video device. I could see it having military application, but not consumer electronics. The expected wireless capabilities of the Zune would have to be continuous and would not use an electromagnetic pulse that only discharges every few seconds.

Then it all clicked and I realized it makes perfect sense. When people were talking about Microsoft’s iPod killer they didn’t realize just how accurate this description was. The Zune while operating will release these specifically shaped electromagnetic pulses that will take out any Apple iPod in what I formulate to be a 50 yard radius. The electromagnetic pulse will enter through the docking port of all recent iPods and fry the chipset. The owner of these iPods will only see the screen of the iPod with the unhappy face on it and will be taking their iPods back in droves.

Now as a happy iPod owner myself I am scandalized by Microsoft’s iPod killer. Those that know me know I am not part of the tinfoil hat parade, but my iPod might be sporting a tinfoil case when the Zune is released.

REUTERS/Alessandro Bianchi (ITALY)

There has been much talk about the Irish Psalm book found last week in a bog that was open to Psalm 83.

Ps 83:3-4 "They are laying plans against your people, conspiring against those you cherish; they say, "Come, let us annihilate them as a nation, the name of Israel shall be remembered no more!" [my emphasis]

Verses 5, 6 "They conspire with a single mind, they conclude an alliance against you, the tents of Edom and the Ishmaelites . . ."

V[erse] 8 ". . . even Assyria has joined them . . ."

Verse 18 is also telling, "Let them know that you alone bear the name of Yahweh, Most High over all the earth."

This I guess is a very old form of communication where you leave a book in a bog to prophesy for future generations. Though I have a feeling bogging never really took off and the bogosphere was never that large. Plus by the time someone’s reads your bog, you are probably already dead so there isn’t much real time interaction. A positive thing about bogging is that there is no comment spam, though it is much harder to bog while wearing pajamas. It is really hard to be a bogger since every time your try to bog you feel really bogged down.

(Roto Reuters) The Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales has been planning for some time to move all Holy Days of Obligation to Sunday.

"This is something that the bishops have actively been considering since 1996," said secretary of department for Christian Life & Worship Catholic Bishops’ Conference England and Wales Fr Allen Morris.

"The circumstances of modern life in England and Wales has made it impossible for a large proportion of the Catholic community to attend Holy Days. And these three Holy Days are very important mysteries of our faith and it is important that the whole community should be able to attend."

"In fact once we decided on this course of action we soon realized that we should just go ahead and make the next step. To ensure that all Catholic’s can participate in these important mysteries of faith and are do not have any occasion to miss Mass because of work/entertainment scheduling we have decided to not only transfer Holy Days of Obligation that do not occur on Sunday to Sunday, but will also move and combine all 52 Sundays to one day a year."

"By only having one day of Holy Obligation a year we ensure that all Catholic can both attend and fully participate. If Catholics can’t be expected to attend one extra Mass a couple times of year can we really expect them to keep coming each and every Sunday? The laity really can’t be expected in this busy world to take time out for worship God. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength is fine and all of that, at least until it comes to scheduling conflicts."

There is still a debate going on with the Bishop’s conference as to what to call this annual Mass and which Sunday to schedule it for. Suggestions of ‘Chriseastercost’" or "Pentemaster" have been put forward, but are not inclusive of all feasts. For the time being Annual Unified Feast Day is what is being used. The day to celebrate the AUFD is being carefully chosen to pick a day where people are least likely to have sports activities/vacations and other such conflicts that might prevent them from attending. The liturgy for the AUFD will include Christmas Carols and imposition of ashes, which will be promptly washed off by aspersion during the Easter promises. There is some consideration to have one makeup day for people unable to attend the AUFD, but this idea was tabled since someone might attend both by mistake and exceed their annual Mass requirement.

A statement from the bishops added: "We have responded to requests from Diocesan Councils of Priests and many others, deeply concerned at the diminishing observance of these days. As evidenced by the plummeting attendance of Mass in England and Wales it is obvious we are on the right track by not demanding or expecting anything of parishioners."

This is obviously one of my parody stories, but some of the paragraphs, or parts of, are from this article on The Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales decision to move most Holy Days of Obligation to Sundays. [Via Orthometer]

The Dumb Ox who hasn’t posted for a bit makes up for it with his hilarious Catholic Sign Company.

During Hell Indoctrination, Satan once again has to explain why it is so hot in Hell.

"It’s not the heat, it’s the humility – or really lack thereof."

* Image compiled via free clipart at artvex.com.

Fr. Stephanos, O.S.B. sent me a link to this very funny MadTV clip of the Terminator and Jesus.

As far as I can tell this article by Michael Higgins the president and vice-chancellor of St. Thomas University in Fredericton, N.B. also is not parody.

King David was fond of dancing. But then again, so was Salome. As you can see, the Scriptures are rather non-committal with regard to the efficacy of dancing. In other words, it can be to a fine end or it can be to a deadly end.

Jesuits are very fond of dancing as well, and presumably it is all to a good end. A Jesuit dance ensemble from Boston College regularly performs and provides instruction in matters pertaining to liturgical dance. They are not entirely unique in this undertaking. As a recent article in The Tablet of London indicated there is a remarkable Indian Jesuit by the name of Saju George who believes in the profound relationship of the sacred with Indian classical dance. He is an expert in Kuchipudi and, more especially, Bharatanatyam.

Bharatanatyam is originally a Hindu temple dance that has undergone some significant change since 1947. When he was asked how it is possible to integrate traditionally Hindu religious practice with Catholic spirituality Father George responded that "we have to go through a rigorous training — physical and mental. The form of dance involves a commitment of the whole person, body and soul. Everything that is danced is in place of God. God may be Shiva, or Krishna — or one of the other gods of the Hindu tradition.

"As a Catholic, I found that the dance may be in its traditional roots Hindu, but that it had the potential to express a Catholic commitment to Jesus through our own hymns; to make the spirit of the Bible alive in dance and in movement. Our hymns can be danced."

Jesuits are not unaccustomed to taking art forms that are indigenous to a non-Christian culture and adapting their best in order to communicate in a vital and creditable way the message of the gospel. They also do it within the Catholic tradition itself, as was exemplified by the Jesuit enthusiasm for baroque ballets in the 17th century.

So proficient were the Jesuit dancers and choreographers that one Parisian wag mused that no one could pirouette as well as a Jesuit.

"No one could pirouette as well as a Jesuit" has got to be one of the funniest statements I have read in a while. It is unfortunately just so easy to visualize a pirouetting Jesuit. After all they have such flexibility when it orthodoxy that it is easy to also imagine a bodily flexibility to rival the most experienced contortionist. Not to engage in Jesuit bashing and all of that, but things like this don’t exactly come as surprises – more like expectations.

Father Saju George S.J. in a picture that deserves a captions contest.

"What you mean someone stole my flute?"

"I learned how to make this hand signal from Ronnie James Dio."

Not that other order’s might not do the same as I have noticed with the Dominican-can.

It usually annoys me when somebody brings up King David when it comes to liturgical dance. Last I checked King David was not dancing in the Temple before the altar sacrifice, but was engaging in a bit of private devotion outside of the liturgy. Even so he scandalized some people by his actions such as Michal one of his wives. Outside of the Mass if you want to engage in devotional dancing with joy and praise to God, knock yourself out. I grew up seeing performances of modern dance and it just isn’t my cup of tea, but if you want to get together with others to try to truly praised God than go ahead. The only dance I want to see at Mass is TranscenDANCE.