Humor

VATICAN CITY (Roto Reuters) – Chico who is Pope Benedict’s 9-year old cat has filed an injunction against the release of the book by Italian author Jeanne Perego. "Chico and Joseph — A Cat Recounts the Life of Pope Benedict XVI" a illustrated 44-page book is purported to cover the life of the Pope through Chico’s eyes.

Chico’s attorney in filing the injunction stated "At no time has Jeanne Perego contacted with my client in any way and there have been no interviews whatsoever.”

"My client Chico feels that this book is highly dishonest and that any views expressed in the book are not necessarily his own. Chico meowed to me that ‘Hey I wasn’t even alive in 1927 so how in the heck could I have related my owner’s life from when he was born? That "nine-lives" stuff is purely superstition and my owner has lectured me and others about holding superstitions beliefs.'”

"My client want this unauthorized biography removed and failing that to get royalties or some percentage donated for homeless cats not fortunate to have such a brilliant and kind owner."

This is really funny!

Brought to you by Dylan and the Kenrick Seminarians.

A reader sent me the following story.

Ancona, 3 Oct. (AKI) – Italy’s Catholic bishops are crying foul about onfield behaviour after their purchase of a professional Italian football team.

The Episcopal Italian Conference (CEI) recently purchased an 80 per cent stake in the professional team of Ancona which comes from the central Italian town on the Adriatic coast.

The CEI has invited a group of Catholic businessmen to manage the team and is looking at a new ethical code to get rid of intolerance on the football field, according to the Italian newspaper La Stampa.

“It is a way of moralising football, bringing a few ethics to an area that is going through a crisis of values,” said Ancona’s archbishop Edoardo Menichelli.

The new owners of the team, also known as “the team of priests” want to punish acts of intolerance, extreme fouls and introduce novel forms of punishment such as voluntary work for unacceptable onfield behaviour.

Managers and fans will also be expected to follow the ethical code. Fans will have to refrain from “improper” conduct against rival fans and using offensive banners.

Direct Kick Foul gives the other team not only a free kick but the fouling player is assigned one or more Rosary mysteries depending on the severity of the foul. Soccer already has a penalty box so why couldn’t an on-field confessional be used for serious soccer sins? Though this would surely violate canons regarding the sacrament, it would be interesting to see players receive additional fines for impenitence.

A readers sent me a link to the following video which I think precisely chronicles the point at which the infamous Benedictine Sisters of Erie, PA went bad. You can tell this is an older video not just from the presence of Ed Sullivan, but they are actually still wearing habits.

ROME: Pilgrims on the Vatican’s fledgling airline were stunned to discover that holy water from Lourdes, in southwest France, cannot be taken on board for security reasons, media reports said on Wednesday.

French security officers seized the liquid — reputed to have miracle-giving qualities — under a Europe-wide anti-terrorism rule that forbids more than 100 millilitres in each passenger’s carry-on baggage.

One pilgrim was so distraught that he drank the holy water on the spot, rather than surrender it to the authorities, Italy’s Il Corriere della Sera newspaper reported.

Well I think they will reject this policy just as soon as they have a demonically possessed hijacker.

I did forget to cover the subject of sacramental security in my Vatican Air parody post. They obviously need a chemical sniffer to be able to differentiate between Holy Water and a liquid explosive. Though I think it might be easier to detect the explosive than the influence of prayerful petition that makes a sacramental efficacious.

There is also a consideration for those new airport security scanners that are much more detailed. Some people might succumb to pride in wearing a hair shirt if it can be detected by the scanner. On Vatican Air people might be screened because they could not detect a scapular or Rosary or other Catholic sacramentals. Screens could though detect non-Catholics and possible threats by saying "The Lord be with you." and if the person doesn’t immediately reply with "And also with you" or "Et cum spiritu tuo", then the person would be more thoroughly screened.

TS comments on the joint spousal confessional idea.

Husband: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I’ve had lustful thoughts about other women."

Wife: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I just knee’d my husband in the groin in a confessional."

ROME – A Vatican-backed charter airline service made its inaugural flight Monday, aiming to carry pilgrims to such Catholic shrines as Lourdes, Fatima, Santiago de Compostela and the Holy Land.

The flights, scheduled to start regular service next year, are tailored to the pilgrims’ needs, with inscriptions such as "I search for Your face, Lord," decorating the seats, and religious videos shown on board.

"We want to create the conditions to enable pilgrims to live their pilgrimage starting at their city’s airport and even before they arrive at their destinations," said the Rev. Caesar Atuire, CEO for the "Opera Romana Pellegrinaggi," an outfit that organizes pilgrimages for the Diocese of Rome.

Well this is not exactly a Vatican back operation. More accurately it is one backed by Cardinal Ruini and the Italian Bishop’s Conference and was started to help increase tourism in the Holy Land, but it looks like it is expanding operations.

Though I would love to see a real Vatican Airline or as some articles headlined last week "Airway to Heaven."

Now of course thinking about Vatican Air can lead to much fun to think about what type of service you would get.

• They have no schedules and will only tell you "Thus, the last will be first, and the first will be last."
• When boarding you always have to enter through the "Narrow gate."
• Everybody gets the same seating arrangement because with Vatican Air there are no Jews, Greeks, Male, Female, Business Class, Economy, or First Class.
• They use nuns as stewardesses and will rap your knuckles if you forget to say grace before eating your package of peanuts.
• After the nuns demonstrate how to exit the aircraft and how to use the oxygen masks, they demonstrate how to pray the Rosary available in the compartment on the back of each seat. They also tell the passengers "The Parable of the Unjust Stewardess."
• You never have to worry about the pilot being raptured because Catholics don’t fall for that fairly recent teleological innovation.
• Flight insurance includes a fund that will pay stipends to a monastery of your choice that will have Masses said for you in case of a fatal accident.
• There is always a priest onboard trained to quickly give general absolutions in case of an in flight emergency. Otherwise passengers may use the in flight confessionals. When using the in flight confessional make sure you slide the sign to occupied.
• You get to offer up turbulence and airline food.
• Not only is the seat a flotation device but it can also be used as a kneeler.
• Dominicans, Franciscans, Carmelites and males from some other orders are eligible for Frequent Friar Miles.
• If Vatican Air loses your luggage St. Anthony is immediately invoked.
• You never have to worry that your aircrew includes Pontius Pilot.
• Connecting flights are made with Holy Virgin airlines.

Here is a very funny post by a seminarian in St. Louis, Nicklaus Winker, imagining a conversations with a project leader of SSPX AB_Lefebvre.

Jester Hat Tip:

Quid est Veritas

I am going to have to steal the idea at some point and apply it towards progressives.

Mulier Fortis tagged me with this unique meme.

If you could invite your five favorite saints to dinner, what would you serve them to eat, and why?

You do have to be rather careful what you would make a saint for dinner to avoid a faux pas. For example Bar-B-Que is not a good idea for St. Laurence, but then again he does have a great sense of humor. Or you would not want to serve chicken breasts to St. Agatha. Asking St. Joan of Arc if she wants a steak is another one. French speakers might have a problem with English homophones. Plus you would never want to serve chocolates to Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity. She had the same illness as JFK, only it wasn’t treatable then, and as her illness progressed she ended up having to eat lots of chocolates because that was all her stomach allowed. Eating chocolate in Carmel is quite mortifying for proper Carmelties. And of course serving wine with dinner to Venerable Matt Talbot is not a good idea.

• I am not sure what to serve to St. Teresa of Avila considering her stomach ailment, but I would have something for heartburn around in case she had another Transverberation of her heart.
• St. Thomas Aquinas is rather easy to cook for. Judging by his girth, just about anything would be fine.
• St. John of the Cross would also be easy to cook for. Beef stock or any other very simple meal would be right up his alley. (Or would that be St. Simon Beef Stock for Carmelites.) You couldn’t take John to MacDonald’s because then you would have to explain fast food, and I don’t think he will get “fast” being associated to eating without wasting too much time better spent otherwise.
• St. Catherine of Siena would also be easy to cook for. When you are the 23rd of 25 children your happy just to get something to eat. Though I hope she wouldn’t bring her incorrupt head along.
• With St. Elijah you wouldn’t want to cook anything with flour since he spent a year eating just bread with that one widow. Though you might ask him if he could perform the same miracle on your refrigerator. Talk about saving on food bills.

Ha!