Humor

Voting
in the Catholic Blog Awards for
2008 has already started a bit ago, but voting is open until
Monday of
Holy Week. I would like to thank those who voted for me in five
different categories and your check is in the mail.

I would though like to say something about
the other blogs in the humor category.  Last year my negative campaign ad appears to
have been effective so I will give it another go.

• Alive and Young Now I have linked
  to Paul Cat throughout the year and he is pretty funny with his
  “Adventures in Catechesis” and “Not said by Jesus” series. But is humor
  the only qualification for this category?  Is just being alive
  and young enough?  And isn’t this a slur against middle age
  men like myself.  Does this imply that I am “Still alive and
  not so young?” I think that he is an ageist and surely this should
  disqualify him.
• American Papist Yet another funny
  blog with great commentary and brilliant photo captions.  But
  what is up with the “Not your average Catholic” tagline? Surely this is
  the sin of pride from another young blogger with a superiority complex.
   Plus notice how he puts the word “American” before the word
  “Papist”?  This is an obvious clue that he puts his
  citizenship first before the Church.   Papist American would
  be much more preferable.
• Canterbury Tales Another great
  blog on things theological and apologetic.  But why does this
  former Episcopal priest think that the word Canterbury is appropriate
  for his blog?  Is there still some secret allegiance the the
  Anglican Archbishop?
• The Cafeteria is Closed I have
  linked to Gerald plenty of times since his blog first opened up.
   I enjoy his sometimes acerbic commentary, his whirlwind of
  blogging multiple posts, and his great photography.  But can
  we truly trust someone who took their blog title from Maureen Dowd?
   I think not.
• Catholic Cartoon Blog Paul Nichols
  is quite a talented cartoonist and keeps me laughing throughout the
  year. But it saddens me to have to reveal to you that Paul is secretly
  a charter member of the Cardinal Mahony Fan Club.
• Creative Minority Report This is
  in my opinion the best new blog of the year. The parody and
  punditry of these two brothers is top notch and they are very inventive
  and creative. Exactly what claim do they have to being a minority other
  than being faithful Catholics? But how do we know that they are really
  brothers? This could be one brilliant and creative individual with
  multiple personalities.  Brothers or a split personality – you
  decide.
• Danielle
  Bean This is one funny mom with lots of great insights!
   Though with the number of pictures she posts of her kids
  on her blog you have to wonder about their effect on the
  environment.  The increased bandwidth obviously causes a
  higher use of electricity at the server farm which leads to global
  climate change and the death of your ancestors in the future.
   Funny yes, but do you want to vote for someone killing off
  your offspring?
• Dyspectic Mutterings One of my all
  time favorite blogs and when Dale fisks something it is a thing of
  beauty.  In fact I am quite jealous of his writing style.
   So if you vote for him you will be leading me to sin and how
  could you live with yourself after that.
• Five Feet of Fury Kathy
  Shaidle was the first Catholic blogger and
  her headlines have been declared lethal in all fifty states.
   In fact she makes more points in her headlines than most
  people do in long posts. She should get a lifetime achievement awards
  for things like “More abortion clinics have been bombed on Law in Order
  than in real life.”  But you shouldn’t waste your time voting
  for her, you should be buying her books so that she can blog full time.
• Happy Catholic One of the most
  balanced Catholic blogs out there with great quotes, jokes, and
  insights. A daily stop for me.  I broke the news last year
  that I had it on good authority that she once didn’t say grace before a
  meal.  This year though I found out that she is sometimes
  distracted in prayer!  Imagine that and repent of any thinking
  of voting for Julie.
• June Cleaver after a six pack This
  is a new blog to me and surely this is one of the greatest blog titles
  ever. But if you vote for this homeschooling mother and Air Force wife
  you will only encourage her and she will blog more and then her
  children will suffer from lack of attention and grow up to be
  miscreants.
• Off
  the Record  Diogenes has long been one of my
  favorite commenters.  But what is up with Uncle Di being
  anonymous?  Just what does he have to hide?  Many
  think that he must be a priest and must keep a low profile because of
  his commentary.  For all we know he could be an albino monk
  assassin.
• Orthometer Funny title, funny
  priest. I always enjoy when Fr. Richtsteig posts and he lists some
  solid reason for voting for him. But what would
  happen to his humility if he were to win this award? So save father’s
  spiritual life and don’t vote for him.
• Some Have Hats Another one of my
  favorite blogs and Karen Hall sure can
  write.   She also writes at the group blog Some Wear Clerics where I
  sometimes guess post at and is also listed in the humor
  category. But
  is it really fair for a screenwriter with such great credits as
  writing for MASH should be allowed to compete against us amateur?
   Isn’t this like Mario Andretti showing up at a Soapbox Derby?
• Spirit of Vatican II “Catholic” Faith
  Community Many think this is a hilarious parody blog that
  mocks progressives. Well that is the way it started, but they have
  spiraled out of control.  Like a spy who has gone into deep
  cover for so long that he has forgotten his real personality, the same
  thing has happened to the authors there. To save their souls you must
  not vote for this blog!
• Standing on My Head One of my
  favorite books is Fr.  Dwight Longenecker “Adventures in
  Orthodoxy” and his blog shows the same humor and uncommon “common
  sense.” But maybe you are not aware of the Zuchetto schism
  and how he is willing the leave the Church over a hat. Can you trust a
  man willing to disobey the magisterium over head ware? Maybe standing
  on your head too long does that to you.
• The Crescat Great sense of humor
  and quite a funny blog.  But just how many people were
  permanently blinded when she ran the worst vestment contest?
• The Ironic Catholic Another blog I
  have linked to a lot and is one of the few pure humor blogs out there
  in St. Blogs.  No commentary just laughs. Theological humor
  and funny pictures for captions.  But often her humor is not
  ironic! Or is the irony that her humor is not always ironic?
   This makes my brain heart so don’t vote for her or her
  husbands occasional contributions or  that Alanis Morissette
  song on irony will become an earworm you can’t get rid of.
• The Shrine of the Holy Whapping
  Another funny group blog that has stood the test of time. But
  opposition research has revealed that they snack on meat on Fridays
  during Lent!
• Seraphic Singles Now I must admit
  at first I thought this was a hook up site for angels – Kind of a
  AngelMatch.com. Imagine my surprise to find it is from the perspective
  of the life of a single Catholic woman and her often quite funny
  observations on her life. You can get a good idea on her sense of humor
  with her Ten Great Things About Being
  Single. . But if you vote for her and she becomes
  more popular and as a result even gets married, then we will lose this
  funny blog.
• What
  does the prayer really say  Certainly Fr. Z’s blog
  is addictive and has become one of the favorite blogs of a large chunk
  of Catholic readers.  Who can’t love a priest who comes up
  with “Save the liturgy, save he world”? His fisks and Latin
  translations make him a must read.  But is he really funny?
   Just because he goes by the first initial in his last name
  and does clever things like put out a Podzcast does that make him
  funny?  It just might be that he has some kind of initial
  syndrome. For example what does he call his site but “W.D.T.P.R.S”
   Does he have some unnatural attachment to initials?

There are also many other blogs that I did
not reference.  I
just ran out of money for opposition research.

I’m the Curt Jester and I approve this
message.

Update:
American Papist has responded to
my charges in a populist way saying “I am not your average Catholic
and neither are you!”  Everybody can not be above average or
the mathematical law of averages becomes nonsense.  Let me ask
you if you made an important call at 3:00 A.M to the American Papist do
you think that he could say something funny at a moments notice.
 I have the experience to be funny from day one!

Alive and Young has also responded.
 I would respond to his angry post but my blog is all about
hope and change.  The Curt Jester – Humor you can believe in.

Text Message

Douglas, Arizona (ROTO REUTERS) There has
been a recent controversy of
the effectiveness of the Boeing Company erecting a “virtual fence”
along 6,000 miles of the U.S. border. Critics have said that
surveillance by the government’s $2.5 billion Secure Border Initiative
Network or SBInet leaves a lot of holes and will do little to reduce
illegal immigration.  

Boeing proposes to construct a necklace of
1,800 towers equipped with
cameras, sensors and links to sophisticated computers along the
nation’s vast frontiers with Mexico and Canada.  Boeing
proposes to construct a necklace of 1,800 towers equipped with cameras,
sensors and links to sophisticated computers along the nation’s vast
frontiers with Mexico and Canada.

News came today though of a surprising
capture that was the result of the new virtual fence technology.
 It can be now revealed that a previously unknown terror cell
headed by Afghani Bhati Al-Boya has been broken up and their leader
detained.

Virtual terrorist Bhati Al-Boya  was detected by the new
virtual fence and was prevented from entering the country.
 Initial reports are that Bhati Al-Boya is a half-life
character that was intent on entering the country illegally and then
going to a computer cafe or library to enter the Second Life virtual
world and commit acts of terrorism.  

Second Life a huge virtual universe where
real world dollars are spent by individuals and organizations
 and disruption  to normal play operations can do
real monetary damage.  Virtual characters can easily assume
false identities known as Avatars that can make finding and arresting
virtual characters difficult.

To hold suspected virtual terrorist Bhati
Al-Boya a special virtual cell is being made at the Guantanamo Bay
detention camp where currently a firewall is being put into place.
 These plans are being protested by the Virtual Character
Liberties Union (VCLU) who reject the power to detain
suspected virtual terrorists indefinitely, without charge, trial or a
right to counsel.  Virtual enemy combatants should have access
to the courts and the the Bush administration does not have statutory
power to detain these virtual individuals.

Very few of us will walk up to someone
today and greet him or her with the words, Happy St. Cyrils Day, or
even Happy Cyrils Day. And surely no one will tell their sweetheart
to Be my Methodius.

And yet, today the universal Church commemorates Sts. Cyril and
Methodius, not St. Valentine, notwithstanding the latters
larger-than-life appeal.

Sts. Cyril and Methodius, brothers from what in biblical times was
known as Thessalonica, were ninth-century missionaries to the Slavic
people in Eastern Europe. Not only did they learn the oral language of
the people, but they developed an alphabet and written language so that
the Bible and liturgical texts could be translated into the living
language of the people. They were truly remarkable men of God.

Leon Suprenant has a good point especially
since we have no idea which St. Valentine this day is named after.

Surely Sts. Cyril and Methodius are much
more cool being brother Bishops and  brothers and how many
people have invented a language that is still used today?
 Their missionary work and the spread of the Gospel surely
warrant more attention than they get on the memorial.  But
then again considering performances of the Vagina Monologue, official
New York City brand condom giveaways, and all the other nonsense that
goes on this day  – I bet they are happy to take a back seat
to St. Valentine and quite happy that this stuff does not get
attributed to them.  Though we might want to give a shout out
to the St. Valentine and commiserate with him because surely if he
wasn’t in the Beatific Vision he would be a little down today. 

SINGAPORE (Reuters) – Want to use Jesus hand cream? Well, you can’t anymore. At least not in Singapore.

A Singapore-based retailer pulled a line of cheeky Jesus branded cosmetics from its shelves after complaints from irate Catholics, the local newspaper reported on Tuesday.

The cosmetics, called "Lookin’ Good for Jesus", is made by American makeup company Blue Q. It was sold in three Topshop outlets in Singapore.

Wing Tai Holdings, which manages the Topshop brand in the city-state, pulled the items off its shelves late last month after some customers complained, the Straits Times newspaper reported.

"We don’t want to offend our customers," a company spokesman was quoted by the paper as saying.

Reuters could not get a comment from Wing Tai as its offices were closed for the Lunar New Year holiday.

…Some of the products sold include, a "virtuous vanilla" lip balm, hand and body cream and a mirrored Jesus statuette. They feature a drawing of Jesus flanked by two adoring women and carry slogans such as "Get tight with Christ", "Get His Attention" and "Redeem Your Reputation and More".

Here a product line that wasn’t well thought out. The Jesus "Show me the money" wallet is certainly one of the strangest product combinations I have ever seen.

But Lookin’ good for Jesus does not exactly fit "But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” Though if you really want to be "Lookin’ good for Jesus" then the confessional is the perfect beauty salon. Even better in the confessional you don’t need Jesus Bubble Bath to wash away your sins.

Reuters has a slideshow of the odd products.

I ran this test last year so you can check your progress

Funny how tomorrow this post will elicit no reaction.

Winston Churchill made no secret of his
love of brandy and cigars; Margaret Thatcher was bereft without her
handbag, and Pope Benedict XVI, I can reveal, has Fanta.

When the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, visited the Vatican this
week, he gave the Holy See a case of Holy Grail beer, brewed in North
Yorkshire. The Pope, however, opted instead for the orange stuff.

“He doesn’t normally drink,” Catholic priest Fr Tim Finigan tells Spy.
“He prefers Fanta. I’m not really sure why, perhaps because it was
originally created in Germany.”

And what does Fanta make of its most famous customer?

“We’re very flattered,” says a spokesman for Coca-Cola, which produces
the fizzy drink.

So might the Pope be fronting its next campaign? “I don’t think so,” he
adds. “He’s not quite right for our target audience.”

Well the Pope is right for all target
audiences, but I don’t think we
want to see him with Fantanas saying “Don’t You Wanta Fanta? “

Fr. Finigan who was quoted maintains an excellent blog here.

 When meeting the pope it is
customary to offer him a gift, and Benedict XVI has amassed many tokens
of esteem. Former British prime minister Tony Blair gave him a painting
of the Catholic convert Cardinal Newman and Saudi Arabia’s King
Abdullah presented him with a jeweled scimitar.

When the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, met the pontiff he gave him
the Holy Grail, a beer brewed in Masham, North Yorkshire.

It was the highlight of the archbishop’s first trip to Rome to
celebrate the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity and to cement cordial
relations between the Roman Catholic and Anglican Churches.

Following their 15-minute chat in the Basilica di San Paolo Fuori le
Mura, believed to be the burial place of St Paul, Sentamu said: “I told
the brewery I was meeting the pope and they made a special brew for
him. I heard he’d been given some Black Sheep ale and liked it. So I
brought that and the Holy Grail.”

The gifts pleased the pope, who is Bavarian by birth and prefers beer
to wine and water. That the tipple was a one-off would have also suited
a pontiff with designer flourishes. During a two-hour service, which
was peppered with incense, chanting, coughing and ringtones, his
ruby-red Prada loafers peeped out from under his ivory robes.

“I was very impressed by the pope,” Sentamu said. “He cares about human
beings. He is such a deep theologian, it drives him to compassion. He
is not a starchy person, but people look at his writings, they are very
precise, and think he is like that … but he is very warm.”

This
is the beer given which includes the motto “Tempered over burning
witches.”  Which prompts the question “What is the speed of
the unladen sparrow and are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not
one of them will fall to the ground without your Father’s will. “