Humor

Where else then at the always creative Creative
Minority Report.

I hope that I don’t come off as paranoid or as someone who relishes conspiracy theories.  I have no tinfoil hat and I am afraid that even the thickest grade of tinfoil will not protect us from this threat.  Now this intro may seem a little overblown, but let me give you some documentary evidence before I make the case about this looming threat. Please forgive me for these graphic images, but sometimes we must see the reality to be shocked into action.

These photographs were all taken during Catholic Masses or were from
events such as a Eucharistic Conference.  These puppets seem to come in all sizes from cute and cuddly, human size, to gigantic. Though there is a surprising consistency to all of them of a lack of joy and a very dour disposition.  At first I thought it was just a coincidence to find all of these puppets used in liturgical contexts within a relatively short period of time.

I soon started pondering if perhaps something more nefarious was behind all of this. I know I for one do not welcome our  new puppet overlords. As a SF fan I thought about Robert  Heinlein’s novel The Puppet Masters where an alien slug-like creature  took over the leadership and started to take control.  When I  first started seeing this puppets I thought their introduction was  totally alien to the liturgy, that is when it struck me “alien” to the  liturgy – what if aliens in the liturgy? I started to try to  think what if I was part of a liturgically minded alien race whose  different forms often looked like puppets. What steps would I do to  infiltrate and then slowly become accepted until it was too late. Well  if I was such an alien obviously I would go to the Religious Education  Conference in Los Angeles. This would be the perfect hub to  take control since many diocese send their people involved in liturgy  there and they they pass on the latest liturgical fads to their own  diocese. So I started to do some more investigation and it  was not long till l found a picture of Rev. Joe Kempf.  during the Gospel reading for a young adult liturgy at the RECongress in 2008.

Now you might somehow barely fathom puppets at Mass for children, but to give the Sesame Street treatment to a group of teenagers and above? Obviously these alien puppet-like creatures have hypnotic control or how else can you explain young adults being treated like this? I then wondered if they infiltrated the Diocese of Los Angeles Religious Education Conference than what else might they have they taken over?  I once again tried to tap myself into the mind of these liturgically minded aliens as a kind of alien profiler. If I was in their shoes (or i guess in some cases a sock) what would I do to give me a strategic position and at the same time give me a good defensive stronghold once our plans were fully discovered?

It then dawned on me that Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral was a horrible design for a Catholic Church, but a great design for a defensive bunker.  All that concrete would be perfect defense. But what alien artifacts might be already inside the Cathedral?

Why in the world would anybody pay one million dollars for this actual tabernacle in the Cathedral? The only sane interpretation is that the money was needed to create this alien artifact whose purpose I can not discern. If I put up a quiz with this picture and asked – alien artifact or tabernacle – which would you choose? Though it could be related to one of the liturgical puppet races since is has that same sad dour look to it. But if the L.A. Cathedral was actually designed as a bunker then this means this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!

No wonder Cardinal Mahony speaks so often about illegal aliens!  He has been covering for the liturgical puppet aliens all along.  First you slowly introduce all kinds of odd elements into the liturgy and pretty soon people won’t bat an eye at puppets being involved.  Though I think I can discern a weakness in these human looking helpers for the liturgical puppet aliens. The answer was in front of us all along. Obviously they are deathly afraid of precious metals which is why they can only use glass chalices.  Long after Redemptionis Sacramentum was published glass chalices and pitchers are still being used.  We must hunt down these liturgists within.  I suggest a crucifix made out of precious metal such as silver to test them.  No wonder liturgists have done their best to get rid of silver and gold crucifixes.

Wake up people and act!  Or else instead of mariology we will be force to learn marionetteology.

Update: I had originally identified Robert Scholla, S.J. as the priest with the puppet as per the REConference website. It was mistaken, the priest in the photo is Rev. Joe Kempf.

Here’s an idea. I would really like to see a new document come out from the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments. In it the document would call for guitar and percussion instruments to be given high esteem. Liturgical dance would also be called out to be given pride of place. While we are at it we could also have experimentation with the liturgy to be also given pride of place. The document could then go on to list songs by Marty Haugen and David Haas and similar contemporary composers in other countries to be given high esteem.

Now you might wonder if I have flipped my lid, but the actuality is that words just don’t mean what we think they mean. For example Vatican II called for the pipe organ to be given high esteem and for Gregorian Chant to be given pride of place. After reflecting on this I realized that pride of place and high esteem means to virtually eliminate it from the liturgy. Or at least that seems to be the result of the interpretation of these documents. If only we could make impoverished elements of the modern liturgy the pride of place and high esteem that they gave the pipe organ and Gregorian Chant.

Today the New Liturgical Movement posted an excellent interview with Fr. Weber by Zenit concerning Gregorian Chant.

Here is a sign I would like to see in some parishes. Though my own parish does have a “Out of respect for our Lord” sign that lists what should not be worn.