Humor

Listening to Catholic Answers a caller says that there are a hundred similarities between Jesus and Horus. Jimmy Akin replied “Yes they both have Falcon heads.”   The caller went on to to say he had read this list on the internet and Jimmy Akin interjected “You can trust everything on the internet.’  I just love that kind of dry humor that makes a point without mocking the  caller and of course Jimmy went on with more specific and well thought out objections.

The interplay of Jimmy Akin and Patrick Coffin is also particularly good and I really like their banter which ranges in subjects and Patrick keeps up admirably with the encyclopedic Jimmy Akin.  I always liked their previous host Jerry Usher who you could see grow in knowledge over the years, but Patrick Coffin is an excellent replacement who is both very funny and adept as a host to guide the conversations and to provide very thoughtful answers himself.

The interplay also of Patrick Madrid and Patrick Coffin is also very enjoyable as the dueling Patricks with very similar voices have a different pattern in their bantering, but equally fun.  Really the interplay between Patrick Coffin and the other hosts such as Tim Staples are all unique in their way with good rapport.

The use of humor in shows such as Catholic Answers is I think very important in keeping the show relaxed while being able to dive into serious questions at times and when the callers are sometimes adversarial it also keeps the show from becoming dueling heads as in cable news.

I recently read “The Force is Middling in this One: And Other Ruminations from the Outskirts of the Empire” by Robert Kroese which is a collection of humorous essays from his mattresspolice.com blog. Ironic Catholic introduced me to this author and I greatly enjoyed and laughed throughout this book. One passage I found particularly funny.

I have nothing against Jehovah’s Witnesses, of course. I would feel exactly the same way about any group that bases their identity on an English mistransliteration of a Hebrew word, hates holidays and birthdays, has falsely predicted the apocalypse like eighteen times, denies the divinity of Christ and won’t leave me the hell alone.

There are some things in this universe that are just not possible in that they go against some fundamental law. There are plenty of universal constants and I think I have discovered another one. The shampoo/conditioner quotient. Basically this law would be stated as:

“The shampoo/conditioner quotient will never obtains unity”

No doubt you are wondering if I had finally flipped my lid and possibly this is so. But after years of experimental science I think my hypothesis and statement of this law holds out. Try as you might you will never finish your bottle of shampoo at the same time as the bottle of conditioner. Regardless of how uniform your dabs are when you finish the shampoo there will no doubt still be conditioner left in the bottle. Even if you start both bottles on the same day this will happen. Though usually the shampoos runs out and you still have conditioner left and so you buy another bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Now possibly there are those that run out of conditioner before the shampoo, but I have no evidence to support this. I do believe that the last bit of conditioner in a bottle is actually some filler substance since the manufacturer knows you will toss that bottle when you get your new shampoo conditioner matched pair.

Now some try to go against this universal law by using Pert or some other 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner. Well the universe is not mocked and thus some other item you have will be used up at an unequal rate. Sort of like the conservation of energy. Now this is not like the pack of hotdogs/buns where they purposely created an unequal ratio since shampoo and conditioner usually come in the same size bottle with supposedly equal ounces. Maybe this is related to another universal quotient which can be stated.

“Number of socks entering the washer ≠ number of socks pulled out of dryer”

Dark matter was postulated to account for evidence of “missing mass” in the universe. I propose that this missing matter is actually made up entirely of socks.

Oh well off to the store to buy a bottle of shampoo and conditioner while the leftover conditioner silently mocks me.

Pope Benedict XVI walks during an unveiling ceremony for a new fountain dedicated to him in the Vatican Gardens at the Vatican July 5, 2010

Pope Benedict tells the architect, “Ah so you have not read what I have written about beauty. Authentic beauty, however, unlocks the yearning of the human heart, the profound desire to know, to love, to go towards the Other, to reach for the Beyond. Other than that I like this fountain just fine.”

Update: Apparently the fisheye lens used rather distorts this fountain.

Though still the words beauty don’t come in mind to me.

Ian at the excellent Aquinas & More Catholic Goods forwarded me the following information he received.

After careful consideration and research, we believe your organization could benefit from our newly patented technology. The Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp would make an excellent extension to your existing product line. With the proprietary intellectual property rights established through the patent allowance, we are confident this product would offer your company the benefits of having a unique product in the market along with substantial profitability.
Attached please find a product prospectus. This presentation offers additional information regarding this unique opportunity with a product overview, industry and market analysis, and a financial forecast to assist in your review of the Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp.

Of course we all remember when scripture mentions that he is the Fluid Flow Lamp of the World. I found the original patent application for this device.

Abstract
A religious lamp has a base with a cross extending upwardly. A body of Jesus is crucified upon the cross, the head of Jesus tilting upwardly whenever the lamp is energized and tilts downwardly whenever the lamp is deenergized. A solenoid controls up and down tilting of the head of Jesus. A fluid flow system circulates simulated blood out through the body of Jesus. The fluid flow system is either a closed loop tube through which the simulated blood passes or is an open drip wire system wherein a pump pumps the simulated blood to the top of the drip wires and the simulated blood drips down the wires and is collected in a reservoir to be recirculated.

The modern Christian loves the idea of Jesus’s head moving up and down so he can say yes to anything we ask him.

Now just in case you can’t envision the head movement:

Now I am sure you are excited about the Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp which has a closed loop system that pumps Jesus’ blood and water in a closed loop system.  Just remember to replace Jesus’ blood every 3000 hours of use (contact your local Jesus Lube for details).

So realistic!!!  Just like how I have mediated on his crucifixion.  The “Jesus sprung a leak” view surely it attested to by the latest medical science.

The target market for purchasing the Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp™ includes every American household. According to the American Housing Survey of 2008, there are approximately 117.2 million households in the United States. It has been estimated that there are close to 92 million Christian households currently in the U.S. The Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp™ is sure to be especially popular among these households.

Because you know the market for this is every Christian household. Estimated to cost between $300 to $6,000 for a full sized model you know the lines will be burning up to order one of these. So I would buy stock in this company immediately. I mean if you have a “Tackiest piece of Christian Stuff” contest in your neighborhood you would sure to be the winner with this piece. This certainly blows away the leg lamp the movie. “A Christmas Story.”

Personally I am waiting for the Agony in the Garden Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp with thousands of tiny circulating pipes blood showing Jesus sweat blood.

Danvers, Mass. (AP) – A Massachusetts church is scheduled to launch a new monthly worship service – for dogs. Calvary Episcopal Church will offer later this month its first “Perfect Paws Pet Ministry” aimed at giving area pooches and their owners improved odds at getting canines into heaven. The Danvers church plans to hold the service on the third Sunday of every month, complete with communion for the humans and special blessings for pets. Dogs will get special treats.

Church officials said well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can submit a paper prayer if their pets are sick, not good around other dogs or deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets.

Rev. Thea Keith-Lucas told The Salem News dogs will have a say during service because barking won’t be banned.

Pet blessing are perfectly acceptable, but certainly not as part of the service.

So do they have Sunday School for Fido?

Fido what did Noah build? bArk!

Where was St. Joan born: bArc!

While the service will be a Christian one, it is open to pet owners who attend other churches or belong to other faiths.

I draw the line at doggie ecumenism. This only leads to pet syncretism. It was bad enough the heresy that all dogs go to Heaven – surely started by a Cat to lead dogs astray by letting them think they were already one of the elect. Doggie predestination is a serious subject, though I don’t want to get in the mire of Calvinist double doggie predestination.

I think that the New York Times must have been printed in King David’s day, or possibly a similar version called the New Jerusalem Times.  Psalm 52 is what spurred this thought.

Why do you boast, O mighty man,

of mischief done against the godly?

All the day you are plotting destruction.

Your tongue is like a sharp razor,

you worker of treachery.

You love evil more than good,

and lying more than speaking the truth. [Selah]

You love all words that devour,

O deceitful tongue.

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