Humor

I recently read “The Force is Middling in this One: And Other Ruminations from the Outskirts of the Empire” by Robert Kroese which is a collection of humorous essays from his mattresspolice.com blog. Ironic Catholic introduced me to this author and I greatly enjoyed and laughed throughout this book. One passage I found particularly funny.

I have nothing against Jehovah’s Witnesses, of course. I would feel exactly the same way about any group that bases their identity on an English mistransliteration of a Hebrew word, hates holidays and birthdays, has falsely predicted the apocalypse like eighteen times, denies the divinity of Christ and won’t leave me the hell alone.

There are some things in this universe that are just not possible in that they go against some fundamental law. There are plenty of universal constants and I think I have discovered another one. The shampoo/conditioner quotient. Basically this law would be stated as:

“The shampoo/conditioner quotient will never obtains unity”

No doubt you are wondering if I had finally flipped my lid and possibly this is so. But after years of experimental science I think my hypothesis and statement of this law holds out. Try as you might you will never finish your bottle of shampoo at the same time as the bottle of conditioner. Regardless of how uniform your dabs are when you finish the shampoo there will no doubt still be conditioner left in the bottle. Even if you start both bottles on the same day this will happen. Though usually the shampoos runs out and you still have conditioner left and so you buy another bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Now possibly there are those that run out of conditioner before the shampoo, but I have no evidence to support this. I do believe that the last bit of conditioner in a bottle is actually some filler substance since the manufacturer knows you will toss that bottle when you get your new shampoo conditioner matched pair.

Now some try to go against this universal law by using Pert or some other 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner. Well the universe is not mocked and thus some other item you have will be used up at an unequal rate. Sort of like the conservation of energy. Now this is not like the pack of hotdogs/buns where they purposely created an unequal ratio since shampoo and conditioner usually come in the same size bottle with supposedly equal ounces. Maybe this is related to another universal quotient which can be stated.

“Number of socks entering the washer ≠ number of socks pulled out of dryer”

Dark matter was postulated to account for evidence of “missing mass” in the universe. I propose that this missing matter is actually made up entirely of socks.

Oh well off to the store to buy a bottle of shampoo and conditioner while the leftover conditioner silently mocks me.

Pope Benedict XVI walks during an unveiling ceremony for a new fountain dedicated to him in the Vatican Gardens at the Vatican July 5, 2010

Pope Benedict tells the architect, “Ah so you have not read what I have written about beauty. Authentic beauty, however, unlocks the yearning of the human heart, the profound desire to know, to love, to go towards the Other, to reach for the Beyond. Other than that I like this fountain just fine.”

Update: Apparently the fisheye lens used rather distorts this fountain.

Though still the words beauty don’t come in mind to me.

Ian at the excellent Aquinas & More Catholic Goods forwarded me the following information he received.

After careful consideration and research, we believe your organization could benefit from our newly patented technology. The Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp would make an excellent extension to your existing product line. With the proprietary intellectual property rights established through the patent allowance, we are confident this product would offer your company the benefits of having a unique product in the market along with substantial profitability.
Attached please find a product prospectus. This presentation offers additional information regarding this unique opportunity with a product overview, industry and market analysis, and a financial forecast to assist in your review of the Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp.

Of course we all remember when scripture mentions that he is the Fluid Flow Lamp of the World. I found the original patent application for this device.

Abstract
A religious lamp has a base with a cross extending upwardly. A body of Jesus is crucified upon the cross, the head of Jesus tilting upwardly whenever the lamp is energized and tilts downwardly whenever the lamp is deenergized. A solenoid controls up and down tilting of the head of Jesus. A fluid flow system circulates simulated blood out through the body of Jesus. The fluid flow system is either a closed loop tube through which the simulated blood passes or is an open drip wire system wherein a pump pumps the simulated blood to the top of the drip wires and the simulated blood drips down the wires and is collected in a reservoir to be recirculated.

The modern Christian loves the idea of Jesus’s head moving up and down so he can say yes to anything we ask him.

Now just in case you can’t envision the head movement:

Now I am sure you are excited about the Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp which has a closed loop system that pumps Jesus’ blood and water in a closed loop system.  Just remember to replace Jesus’ blood every 3000 hours of use (contact your local Jesus Lube for details).

So realistic!!!  Just like how I have mediated on his crucifixion.  The “Jesus sprung a leak” view surely it attested to by the latest medical science.

The target market for purchasing the Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp™ includes every American household. According to the American Housing Survey of 2008, there are approximately 117.2 million households in the United States. It has been estimated that there are close to 92 million Christian households currently in the U.S. The Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp™ is sure to be especially popular among these households.

Because you know the market for this is every Christian household. Estimated to cost between $300 to $6,000 for a full sized model you know the lines will be burning up to order one of these. So I would buy stock in this company immediately. I mean if you have a “Tackiest piece of Christian Stuff” contest in your neighborhood you would sure to be the winner with this piece. This certainly blows away the leg lamp the movie. “A Christmas Story.”

Personally I am waiting for the Agony in the Garden Jesus Fluid Flow Lamp with thousands of tiny circulating pipes blood showing Jesus sweat blood.

Danvers, Mass. (AP) – A Massachusetts church is scheduled to launch a new monthly worship service – for dogs. Calvary Episcopal Church will offer later this month its first “Perfect Paws Pet Ministry” aimed at giving area pooches and their owners improved odds at getting canines into heaven. The Danvers church plans to hold the service on the third Sunday of every month, complete with communion for the humans and special blessings for pets. Dogs will get special treats.

Church officials said well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can submit a paper prayer if their pets are sick, not good around other dogs or deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets.

Rev. Thea Keith-Lucas told The Salem News dogs will have a say during service because barking won’t be banned.

Pet blessing are perfectly acceptable, but certainly not as part of the service.

So do they have Sunday School for Fido?

Fido what did Noah build? bArk!

Where was St. Joan born: bArc!

While the service will be a Christian one, it is open to pet owners who attend other churches or belong to other faiths.

I draw the line at doggie ecumenism. This only leads to pet syncretism. It was bad enough the heresy that all dogs go to Heaven – surely started by a Cat to lead dogs astray by letting them think they were already one of the elect. Doggie predestination is a serious subject, though I don’t want to get in the mire of Calvinist double doggie predestination.

I think that the New York Times must have been printed in King David’s day, or possibly a similar version called the New Jerusalem Times.  Psalm 52 is what spurred this thought.

Why do you boast, O mighty man,

of mischief done against the godly?

All the day you are plotting destruction.

Your tongue is like a sharp razor,

you worker of treachery.

You love evil more than good,

and lying more than speaking the truth. [Selah]

You love all words that devour,

O deceitful tongue.

…

In a bid to uncover the roots of super-sized American fare, a pair of sibling scholars has turned to an unusual source: 52 artists’ renderings of the New Testament’s Last Supper.

Their findings, published online Tuesday in the International Journal of Obesity, indicate that serving sizes have been marching heavenward for 1,000 years.

“I think people assume that increased serving sizes, or ‘portion distortion,’ is a recent phenomenon,” said Brian Wansink, director of the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab and author of “Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think.” “But this research indicates that it’s a general trend for at least the last millennium.”

To reach their conclusion, Wansink and his brother Craig, a biblical scholar at Virginia Wesleyan College, analyzed 52 depictions of the meal the Wansinks call “history’s most famous dinner party” painted between the year 1000 and the year 2000.

Using the size of the diners’ heads as a basis for comparison, the Wansinks used computers to compare the sizes of the plates in front of the apostles, the food servings on those plates and the bread on the table. Assuming that heads did not increase in size during the second millennium after the birth of Christ, the researchers used this method to gauge how much serving sizes increased. [reference]

The Dan Brown’s of nutrition.

Glad such important research is going on. Hopefully there was a government grant behind this. Next they will be getting out their measuring tapes to see if statues of saints have increased in girth over the years. Though Saints Anthony and Thomas Aquinas statues will throw off their results.

I’ve added some new items to my L-Mart Lenten Superstore Parody.