Humor

One of the things about becoming a saint is that there is some planning involved besides just living a life of heroic sanctity. For one planning the day you die. You really want to pick a day on the calendar where you will not be eclipsed by a more famous saint. If you are down to your last breath check the liturgical calendar and if it’s a famous saint’s feast day try to hold off till the next day. If you plan to be a martyr you might have less flexibility about this, though the benefit is that the investigation into your cause will go much faster.

Plus I think you really want to figure out what you are going to be the patron saint of ahead of time. Otherwise you might get one of those ironic patronages the Church seems to love so much. Pick wisely because you will be doing it for eternity or else you might get put in charge of the lost and found like St. Anthony.

Also I think you want to make it easy for the investigation into your cause. The less writing you do the better for those poor souls who have to read everything you wrote. For example don’t ever start a blog, believe me the investigators will thank you if you don’t. If you use Foursquare, just check-in to churches and retreat houses. If you use Facebook and somebody pokes you, never poke them back so as to turn the other cheek. It might also be helpful to maintain a list of everybody who knows you to make it easier for the investigators in their interviews. Remember the investigation into the cause of your sainthood can be long and drawn-out so the easier you make it for them the faster you are raised to the altar.

It is very important to remember to stay in good terms with your diocese and especially your bishop since he begins you investigation process. In fact a promoter group (‘Actor Causae’): diocese, parish, religious congregation, association, asks the bishop through the postulator for the opening of your investigation. So to be proactive get your friends and others together to form such a group while you are still alive and this will get things rolling much faster when you die. Set up your cult (in the Catholic sense) ahead of time and you won’t be sorry.

It is also a good idea to tag your personal possessions. This way it will be much easier to catalog your 2nd and 3rd degree relics. Don’t worry about 1st degree relics since they pretty much have that figured out.

There is also concern relating to incorruptibility. Now you probably won’t be be one of the uncorruptables, but if you are here on some tips. Remember you could be on display for hundreds and hundreds of years so any facial plastic surgery you are considering you might want to get it done sooner than later. Plus you just have to let some things go. For example no matter what you are wearing when you die it is going to go out of fashion. Though later on your clothes will probably come back in fashion just as long as you aren’t buried in a leisure suit.

This is a really important tip. Make sure you provide lots of photos of yourself smiling. Those iconographers always want to make you look so dour and we want to take St. Teresa of Avila’s advice about dour-faced saints. It couldn’t hurt to get with a good iconographer ahead of time to make sure they get it right.

Now you can’t plan everything ahead of time. For example you kind of have to wait till you die to get with God about the two miracles you are going to perform via intercession to him. Stay on good terms with God and this should go off without a hitch.

So as Patrick Coffin says “Be a saint, what else is there?” and plan ahead.

Update: In a later post I consider steps on planning to become a Doctor of the Church.

Renova, a Portuguese paper company, is celebrating Pope Benedict XVI’s upcoming trip to Madrid by releasing special edition Papal toilet paper. The yellow and white rolls–representing the colors of the Papal flag–are being released for World Youth Day. The product’s description on Renova’s website calls them “streamers,” yet they come in the same packaging as their toilet paper and can only be found in the toilet paper section of their site. Don’t be bashful, for Renova asks you to “Open your windows to celebrate!” when the Pope comes to Madrid.

Well now I know what to use if I ever decided to T.P. the Vatican.

…

But it all sounds so same ol’, same ol’, y’know? Maybe Catholic bloggers will have to endure sufferings that are a bit more…I don’t know, personal. Custom-fit.

For instance – and I’m just imagining here –

* LarryD – transcribe every issue of the National Catholic Reporter onto strips of bark using a piece of charcoal.
* Fr Z – drink instant coffee while blogging on a 386…with a dial-up connection.
* Mark Shea – chained at the ankle with Michael Voris (that could work both ways, I suppose).
* The writers at The American Catholic – recite every Vox Nova post in Shakespearean prose.

Read the whole list from the great LarryD of Acts of the Apostasy.

Now to add my own suggestions.

• Mark Shea – Locked in a  combos with 500 people calling him a liberal and another 500 calling him a conservative.
• Fr. Phillip Neri Powell, OP His purgatory would be something like being trapped in a gigantic library with no books on the shelves.  Kind of like the Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough at Last” where book lover Burgess Merideth and ends with a gigantic pile of books around him and his glasses broken.  In fact that would be my Purgatory also – or perhaps Hell.  This would also be purgatory for Video meliora, proboque; Deteriora sequor, and Happy Catholic.
• Jimmy Akin – Hosting a Catholic Radio show 24/7 where the only question from callers is about Jesus’ brothers and sisters or “Call no man father”.
• Fr. Roderick – Working at a genius bar in a Microsoft Store.

• Fr. Richsteig – An office where hymns from the Gather Hymnal are piped in like Musak.
• Tom at Disputations.  To have volumes and volumes of St. Thomas Aquinas’ works, but they are all in Thomas’ handwriting.
• Jeff Geerling – To become a web developer for a site that uses Joomla.  A inside joke for those who know Jeff.
• Patrick Madrid – Have to publish a Catholic magazine using only a mimeograph machine with no graphics allowed and totally humorless.
• Shawn Tribe and the writers at the New Liturgical Movement Now quite sure, but I think it involves Folk guitar masses and the Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles.
• Dave Armstrong – Allowed to blog all he wants as long as he keeps his posts under 140 characters.
• Ironic Catholic – To have to listen to Alanis Morissette song “Irony” over and over again and not be allowed to complaint the Alanis Morissette does not understand what irony means.
• The Curt Jester – Having to read all my blog posts over and over again.  I am only thankful I never blogged when I was an atheist.

Rudy, the Erie Zoo’s late, great gorilla, had one. So did former Gov. Tom Ridge, who maintains a home here.

Many of baseball’s biggest names and some presidents and celebrities have them, too.

Now Erie Catholic Bishop Donald W. Trautman is among those immortalized in miniature with a bobblehead.

Trautman said the likeness is “pretty close.”

He received his figure with the shaking noggin during an annual diocesan gathering for priests held around June 24, which was Trautman’s 75th birthday.

“I was surprised,” he said.

He said he was given a box to open during a dinner and found the smiling bobblehead inside.

Each of the 13-county diocese’s priests also received one of the bobbleheads.

“It was a sign of special friendship, and I appreciate the gesture. … It was a very creative gift,” Trautman said.

The Rev. John Detisch, pastor of Erie’s Sacred Heart Catholic Church, was the priest responsible for the bobblehead. He was out of town Tuesday and couldn’t be reached for comment.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), a division of the federal government’s National Institutes of Health (NIH), has spent $3,634,807 over the past decade funding research that involves getting monkeys to smoke and drink drugs such as PCP, methamphetamine (METH), heroin, and cocaine and then studying their behavior, including during different phases of the female monkeys’ menstrual cycles.

The study also uses “interventions” as “treatment models” for monkeys who have been taught to use drugs. [Source][Via Creative Minority Report]

So does a junkyMonkey say they have a Monkey on their back? Or do they say they have a human on their back? Or do they despair knowing they will never get the monkey of their back.

Over the years there have been multiple cases of one of my parodies becoming part of reality.

[Via The Crescat]

Back in 2004 Michelle of the defunct blog “And Then?” posted about Martin Sheen’s parish Our Lady of Malibu. She wondered what image I might come up with.

Ha! Via Romish Internet Graffiti and Cleansing Fire

Speaking of referees, here something I did some time back.

Have you ever been a Sunday morning quarterback during Mass where you critique and liturgical abuses or experimental oddities that you have observed. You just wish at times that somebody would step in and do something about what your are observing.Well we have some good news for you! Francis Cardinal Arinze the Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments has introduced a new program that will surely have an effect.

The recently created position of Liturgical Referee has been instituted to help to bring uniformity to the celebration of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Liturgical Referees will travel around the world randomly attending Masses. Liturgical Referees will stand, mostly quietly, to the side of the sanctuary during Mass and call out signals if he observes any liturgical penalties according to the GIRM and other liturgical documents. Only in the case of penalties that would make the Mass itself invalid will the Liturgical Referee blow his whistle and when necessary call for any replays to correct any mistake made. Penalty markers may be thrown during the Mass to alert the celebrant to any problems that might need immediate correction.

Liturgical Referee in action

After Mass any penalties will be reviewed with the celebrant and more serious penalties will be taken to the local ordinary for determination for any fines or whether the celebrant just needs to get back to the liturgical playbook (GIRM) and/or to review films of properly celebrated Masses. In the case of penalty free liturgies the Liturgical Referee will thank the celebrant and be given the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments seal of approval.

The Liturgical Referee’s has responsibility in enforcing the liturgical rules and maintaining the order of the liturgy. During the liturgy please do not yell out or insult the Liturgical Referee. We assure you he is not blind and is doing his job to the best of his abilities and whether you feel he has missed a liturgical abuse or that he is being too hard on your pastor we ask that you act charitably on his calls.

Applicants for Liturgical Referee should be well versed in Canon Law as applies to the liturgy, the GIRM and other liturgical documents, and a familiarity with any indults and permissions as set by the local bishop’s conference and the local ordinary. The applicant should also be physically fit so that he will be able to make all off the signals that might be required at a more experimental celebration of the liturgy. Applicants should be familiar with the following liturgical signals.

Example Liturgical Signals
	No Crucifix in sanctuary.
	Liturgical dance detected.
	Member of laity giving homily – to be evicted from lectern.
	Incomplete or no consecration. Occurs when illicit matter is used, wrong formula used, only one of the two elements of bread or wine is not properly consecrated, or no validly ordained male priest/bishop is present. In case where only one element is consecrated a replay is called for.
	Illegal use of hands. Normally called when the celebrant has left the sanctuary to shake everybody’s hands.
	Questionable or just downright heretical theology used in homily. When detected the Liturgical Ref pulls on his lips in a downward direction.
	The "What the heck am my hearing" signal is one of the most common signals and indicates syrupy banal liturgical music or the inappropriate use of secular music such as show tunes and popular music (especially from the seventies).
	Disregarding the prescribed text of the Order of Mass. This is another common liturgical penalty despite the fact that no other person, even if he be a priest, may add, remove, or change anything in the liturgy on his own authority. (Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy)
	Illicit Posture. Usually called when you are being asked to stand instead of kneel or any other poster adaptation not specified by the GIRM or set by your bishop’s conference or licitly specified by your local ordinary.
	Illicit purification of sacred vessels. This is called when the purification of the sacred vessels is done by an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion despite the fact the the Pope revoked the indult in the U.S. for this permission.
	Illicit Participation. Called when too many people are in the sanctuary. For example occurs when EMHC arrive before the fraction rite or when some members of the congregation are invited into the sanctuary to pray with the priest during the consecration.
	Un-Christian Like Conduct. Can be called when elements of other religions contrary to Christianity are introduced such as new age beliefs. Un-Christian Like Conduct is also often called in the parking lot after Mass.
	Illegal Pass. The celebrant is simply not allowed to make a pass at anybody.
	Stole Infraction. Normally occurs when the celebrant wears his stole on top of the chasuble. Another penalty can be added if the celebrant does this and the stole is also horrendously ugly or has an seventies themes.
	Illegal Receiver of Holy Communion. Those who are excommunicated or interdicted after the imposition or declaration of the penalty and others who obstinately persist in manifest grave sin are not to be admitted to Holy Communion.
	Clowns in the sanctuary – run for your life.
	Excessive use of inclusive language. Penalty is thrown when grammatical awkwardness is detected in avoiding male pronouns and every other sentence begins brothers and sisters.

With the presence of the Liturgical Referee you can leave liturgical abuse spotting to the experts and spend your time instead trying to enter the Mass in prayer.

In Jennifer Fulwiler post referenced in my first post below on this subject she wrote.

I’ll leave it to the Archbolds to come up with some witty suggestions for how one might celebrate A Week (watching reruns of NOVA and gathering ‘round a wreath that is decidedly symbolic of nothing, perhaps?).

Despite the fact that she referenced my comrades at Creative Minority Report instead of yours truly, I must throw in my reply to this question. CMR’s response is here.

1. First off while NOVA would be perfectly respectful for Atheist Pride week, I would place instead another show. “Cosmos” with one of atheists favorite atheists Carl Sagan. Though Carl Sagan didn’t like the term atheist and called himself more of an agnostic. Regardless atheists would canonize him just for his phrase “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence” which has so often been used by atheists.

2. Replay the following Steve Martin video each day of Atheist Pride Week. “Atheists Don’t Have No Songs”

Now while I am a fan of Steve Martin and think his Twitter feed consistently funny I would object to the contention “Atheists Don’t Have No Songs”. What about the Atheist Anthem written by John Lennon “Imagine.” Really this should be sung before all atheist events with you hand over your forehead (brain instead of heart). Plus there are a plethora of nihilist songs riding the air waves.

3. Go to a famous art museum and explore the beauty of paintings of Grand Masters and statues created by atheists. Oh wait – they were pretty much all believers. Well instead go to a museum of Modern Art almost totally devoid of beauty.

4. Have an Atheist Pride Parade. You don’t have to organize one, just let millions of years pass and one will evolve.

5. Join an atheist book club and read Christopher Hitchens “God is not great” and discuss how religion poisons everything while wearing Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot t-shirts.

6. Petition your local city council to be able to have a primordial swamp placed next to the Christmas Nativity scenes and Menorahs in the city park.

7. Have a Flying Spaghetti Monster Dinner Fundraiser for local atheist groups. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is such an excellent idea as an argument and have converted thousands of Christians to atheism. Well maybe only a thousand Christians, or perhaps a hundred, or maybe a couple though this was a well though out argument. Mockery always works to convince people.

8. Argue with believers about why there is no such thing as free will in a materially deterministic world. Because getting people to change their will and accept that there is no free will involves no contradictions whatsoever.

9. Go door to door in your neighborhood convincing others to become atheists. After all the joy that when you die that’s it and that good and evil are only society changing terms should get them to repent of belief in ultimate truth. Plus religion is an opiate that must be stopped, oh and afterwards you can get back to your drug legalization campaign.

10. Let people know that atheists can be good people. Just because we can’t define what good is and that again it is relativistic and defined by societal mores and getting along. Atheist can be good people even if atheist have to rely on a Christian’s definition of good.

11. Troll a Catholic blog because angry atheists full of venom always works in persuading Catholic bloggers about the truth of atheism. For myself I find getting cussed out by an atheist wants me to immediately reject the idea of a loving God.