Category:

Humor

Press Release

by Jeffrey Miller May 21, 2012May 21, 2012

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Cafeteria Catholic Commencement Competition

Washington D.C. – May 21, 2012 – Increased competition in the commencement speech market for Catholic educational institutions has led to a tightened market for inappropriate commencement speakers.

We are proud to introduce a new site Dissammencement.com to help Catholic educational institutions grab a headline and send a message at the same time. While Cafeteria Catholics, Dissident Catholic Politicians, and other wildly inappropriate speakers are quite easy to find – you want the one that has the most impact for you.

President Obama, Sec. Sebelius, Rep. Pelosi

Now not every school can get one of the big three U.S. Bishop eye-pokes and really send a message. But there are other speakers that equally send the message “We don’t need no stinkin’ Ex Corde Ecclesiae!”

We here at Dissammencement.com provide all your Dissident Commencement needs. As this graduation season winds down it is not too early to start planning for your commencement speaker. To get a top tier inappropriate speaker you really need to book one with us now.

Now many institutions wait until later in the season to make sure the speaker the speaker matches whatever message they want to send. Early in the year Sec. Sebelius was just another Cafeteria Catholic politician, but with the passing of ObamaCare and then later the HHS Mandate she became quite a hot property.

Whatever your needs are Dissammencement.com is here to help you. Our analysts maintain a database of inappropriate speakers indexed by what they dissent on or if non-Catholic their anti-Catholic rating. Our analysts stay on top of the news and constantly update our speaker’s profiles and their scandal index (sindex). Using Scandalous Query Language (SQL) database lookups are super fast and tailored to your requirements.

Here is one example of just how great our service is. Recently DePaul University was having some difficulty finding the speaker they wanted as so many Catholic education institutions had drawn all the obvious picks. We queried our database and found population guru E.O. Wilson who agreed to do the address at bargain-basement prices. That though is only a small part of our service. We then leaked to the media and some Catholic blogs that E.O. Wilson once said “Christianity is the most dangerous of devotions.” Thus we were able to elevate a low-tier speaker to one more attention grabbing. So for one low price they got not only a scandalous commencement speaker, but also sent the message that “Our schools is totally independent and just because we advertise our Catholic identity on our site – it doesn’t actually mean anything.”

At Dissammencement.com we are there to help you and to forecast commencement speaker trends. This year we forecast that habit-less nuns part of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious will be especially popular as a message to the mean misogynist male hierarchy from the Pope on down. Theologians like Elizabeth Johnson are also forecast to do quite well.

Our service is guaranteed and if your school doesn’t make the headlines and get lambasted in the Catholic media and blogosphere we will refund your money! What do you have to lose, other than to lose a great opportunity to get the best dissident speaker bang for the buck!

Dissammencement.com also offers special rates to Jesuit institutions since they are such a large part of our customer base. Just enter code “Hans Küng” before you checkout.

Contact: A. Postacy
apostacy@Dissammencement.com
Bitter Suite
Washington, D.C. 20007
PH: (202) 666-2038

May 21, 2012May 21, 2012 4 comments

Humor

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, its Supercardinal

by Jeffrey Miller May 12, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

Cardinal Dolan with his cape spread like a superhero

I just have to love a Cardinal that does this. Though I am sending my sidekick application in since surely a superhero can use a sidekick and one that provides comic relief. Though considering Cardinal Dolan’s good humor and wit it would be pretty hard to provide any comic relief that he is not supplying himself.

Hat tip Whispers in the Loggia where you can download a much larger image along with the text of his Commencement Address at the Catholic University of America.

May 12, 2012 4 comments

Humor

Evolution

by Jeffrey Miller May 11, 2012May 11, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

Post Modern Dictionary: “Evolution” – Being forced to say what you already believed based on a gaffe by somebody else.

In other words when it comes to the President I don’t believe in “evolution.”

Also when it comes to the President’s policies I don’t believe in “intelligent design” either.

In fact when it comes to the economy he is also not a job “creationist.”

I can’t even describe his policies as “Punctuated equilibrium“, though perhaps the term “hopeful monster” fits better.

May 11, 2012May 11, 2012 11 comments

Humor Parody

Atheist Commenters Devastate Catholic Blogosphere

by Jeffrey Miller May 8, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

I woke up today to find some of my favorite Catholics blogs were going to be going offline. Apparently one or more persistent atheist commenters were making objections that devastated the authors of these blogs.

Joe of the “Blind Faith and No Reason” blog posted:

I use to ask atheists how matter could come out of nothing bringing up “Ex nihilo”, out of nothing nothing comes. Unfortunately an atheist commenter asked me about my own belief in “Why do you believe your mythical being could exist then?” I was stunned by this question. Nobody in the 2,000 year history of the Church had never considered this objection. He then brought up other questions that also nobody in the 2,000 year philosophical history of the Church had ever considered. So glad my atheist commenter finally forced me to take the red pill and to wake up into reality.

I was saddened by this, but was shocked when the next blog I went to had this to say:

I thought my Catholic commenters and myself were making headway responding to an atheist commenter and then the commenter brought up the priestly abuse scandal. We were totally unprepared for this. How could the Church founded by Christ have sinners in it? I then realized my understanding of the magical sacraments was totally flawed. Surely if God existed once I became his fanboy he would rip out my free will allowing me only to do good. I totally see now that it is not the examples of the saints who lived the faith that I should be informed by but by the sinners who didn’t live the faith. Then he brought up other examples of past sins of the Church that must be totally true in every detail since he saw it on the History Channel.

Unbelievably when I next clicked on the “Scriptural Catholic” blog I found this post by Duey Rheims:

As a lay scriptural scholar I thought I knew scripture and my faith rather well. Having read scripture daily for many years, read commentaries, heard the word proclaimed at Mass I thought I had a good understanding. Then an atheist commenter started leaving objections and questions on my comment boxes. I am prepared for most objections, but was not prepared for his asking about “talking snakes and a man living three days inside of a fish”. Wow I had never considered that there were such odd things in the Bible and I must have insulated myself from reality by ignoring this. I use have a fairly nuanced view of scripture knowing that scripture is not like modern history and that there were various literary genres used to impart truth. For example when the Prophet Nathan told King David the story of the Ewe Lamb that was taken by the rich man even though the rich man had plenty of his own, Samuel was telling a story that imparted the truth of what King David was doing by taking Bathsheba in adultery. Then I remembered Balaam’s talking Donkey and now know that the only way to approach scripture is to be a fundamentalist in regard to scriptural interpretation. No nuance or study is required, just read it and what you think it means at first blush or through your own interpretive lens is the right one. All those scholars throughout the ages just totally missed was is obvious to the combo box atheist. He then told me God hated shellfish and I knew my faith was crushed.

OK, this was getting serious. Still I was not prepared for what I found at the “Midwife of Science” blog:

I use to write on the stillbirth of science in every civilization and culture and how the Christian philosophical atmosphere prepared for the growth of science. The late priest and physicist Stanley Jaki wrote extensively about this in his books on science history. “Once more the Christian belief in the Creator allowed a break-through in thinking about nature. Only a truly transcendental Creator could be thought of as being powerful enough to create a nature with autonomous laws without his power over nature being thereby diminished. Once the basic among those laws were formulated science could develop on its own terms.” I use to point out to atheist these facts and the thousands of Catholic scientists throughout the ages. There are of course famous examples such as the Friar Gregor Johann Mendel and Deacon (possibly priest) Nicolaus Copernicus. Or the priest/astronomer/physicist Georges Lemaître who came up with what came to be called the Big Bang Theory. I knew of this and countless examples from my own research and the Catholic Laboratory Podcast. This morning after my usual routine I checked my email and found a comment from an atheist “What about the Galileo affair?” Wow, how did I miss that and its significance? Obviously this one example where Galileo was prosecuted for breaking his word and teaching as fact something not proved with empirical evidence almost two centuries after his death. So what if Galileo was totally wrong for using as proof the tides? So what if he was treated even worse by the scientists of the time and he had rather an abrasive personality. Surely this one example which could have been handled better is proof that the Church hates science and just wish it could go away so we could go back to some dark dank ages kicking it up like the Amish. The fact that the Church had setup Cathedrals as solar observatories and that she still maintains astronomical observatories is just cover for her hatred of empirical science.

As the day progresses I see more an more of the devastation of the Catholic blogosphere as Catholic blogs go dark. Now as for myself you don’t have to worry. Like any solid Catholic I am totally immune to reasonable arguments by atheists. The Pope told me atheists are mistaken so I just depend on the argument by authority without messing my mind up with want pesky reason. If God wanted me to mess around with reason he wouldn’t have given me faith.

May 8, 2012 97 comments

Humor Punditry

Caption Contest – Easter Bunny at Mass

by Jeffrey Miller April 27, 2012April 27, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

From a “Family Mass” on Easter Sunday in the Hartberg Catholic Parish of the Diocese of Graz-Seckau in Austria, the Easter Bunny reads the prayers of the faithful. [Source and Video]

I am quite shocked by this. Plainly the prayers of the faithful are suppose to be said behind the ambo.

Lectionary No. 31: “For the prayer of the faithful the celebrant presides at the chair and the intentions are announced at the ambo. The assembled congregation takes part in the prayer of the faithful while standing and by saying or singing a common response after each intention or by silent prayer.”

How can a parish even in Austria get so loose with the rules?

Lectionary No. 30: “…a deacon, another minister, or some of the faithful may propose intentions that are short and phrased with a measure of freedom.”

Out of charity I assume this Easter Bunny is one of the faithful and not a heretic bunny or is that Hare-a-tic bunny? Photographic proof shows that this is not just Hare-say. Though I must complain about the bunnies costume as surely that is not a traditional Hare Shirt.

No doubt my atheist commenter will mention that there is no difference between belief in the Easter Bunny and Jesus.

Hat Tip Rorate Caeli

April 27, 2012April 27, 2012 15 comments

Humor

Bible Passwords

by Jeffrey Miller April 5, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

A British Bishop claims that the Bible can provide invaluable support.. for those who want to use a better password online.

The Bishop of Rochester in Kent, is urging his congregation this Easter to use Bible quotations to help them remember their website passwords.

According to The Right Reverend James Langstaff, “The Bible offers a life-long source of new passwords, that can include both upper and lower case letters and numbers to help create memorable, secure passwords.”

The Bishop has suggested that users choose their favourite passage from the Bible, take the first letter from each word in the quote, and then append the chapter and verse.

For instance,

“Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” Luke Chapter 23 Verse 46.

creates a password of

FiyhIcmsL23V46

So HwJ11V35 Would be the shortest password for “He wept” – Gospel of John, chapter 11, verse 35.

For a more secure password:
TtkingswcatttitmsotttdotmaiwwatatmcttjandtothesatgapotpwariteohtsptepatiwatepitlattjinwaitlE8V9 for the longest verse of the Bible Ester 8:9

The password for Tim Tebow and a host of others would of course be FGsltwthghobstwbihsnpbhelJ3V16.

Now of course as a password scheme this is better than using “password” , “123456”, or monkey – but of course it would be easily susceptible to hacker attacks if the scheme became common as dictionary phrase lists of popular verses could easily be used. Traditionalist Catholics could be easily hacked using a Vulgate-based dictionary attack. Liberal Christians would be susceptible to their favorite bible verses involving non-judgement in them. People who subscribe to King James Version Onlyism would make it easy for hackers since they would only need one version.

It does make me wonders what Jesus would use as a password? He is pretty awesome at keeping some things secret when he wants to. For example what he wrote in the sand during the case of the women caught in adultery is still unknown. In fact if I make it to Heaven that is one thing I am sure to ask him. Though he would probably tell me “No one knows the letter, number, or Nonalphanumeric characters used, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

April 5, 2012 5 comments

Humor Link

Pope to Blogosphere: See you in the combox!

by Jeffrey Miller April 1, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

Well played Brandon, well played.

April 1, 2012 0 comment

Humor

I’m the Pope and I have approved the content of this tweet

by Jeffrey Miller February 24, 2012February 24, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

The Pope will soon have his “own” Twitter account, which he will use to communicate with people about the Sunday Angelus prayer and his most important speeches. The news was announced by Mgr. Claudio Maria Celli, President of the Pontifical Council for Social Communications, in an interview with Vatican Radio.

An initial “Pope on Twitter” experiment started a couple of days ago, at the same time as the beginning of Lent. The Vatican “ministry of communications” – which created the account, in order to help youngsters get to know the Pope better – launched the initiative which involves sending one tweet a day, between now and Easter, with the words used by Benedict XVI in his speeches.

Today’s tweet reads: “Brothers and sisters, Lent gives us the opportunity once again to reflect on what is at the heart of Christian life: charity.”

When the Pope’s official account is created on Twitter, “it will not mean that the Pope will be pressing a button or anything like that,” the Secretary of the Pontifical Council, Mgr. Paul Tighe explained to Vatican Insider. “The aim is to get the content on Twitter approved directly by him.” But, he added, “We are still working on a system to make this possible.” [Source]

Cool.

The name of the Pope’s account has not yet been decided, Mgr. Tighe explained: “We are discussing this with a number of experts and evaluating different possibilities.”

Hmm, so what would be a good Twitter name for the Pope’s account.

Possible names include “The Pope, a.k.a Papa, Vicar of Christ, Vicar of Peter, Holy Father, Bishop of Rome, Servant of the servants of God, Supreme Pastor, His Holiness, The Rock, Supreme Pontiff, Father of Kings, Governor of the World, Successor of St. Peter, Shepherd of the Universal Church, etc.” [Via Matthew Warner]

Well @TheRock is already taken by Dwayne Johnson. Though I think the Pope has more historic claim to his.

@HisHoliness has by taken by the Dalai Lama.

Unfortunately @ThePope, @VicarofChrist, @HolyFather, @BishopOfRome, @SupremePontiff, @FatherofKings are also already taken.

The Twitter names @SuccessoroftheChiefoftheApostles, @ServantoftheServantofGod, and @ShepherdoftheUniversalChurch are over Twitter’s 20 character limit.

Which leaves @SupremePastor, @GovernoroftheWorld, @SuccessorofStPeter and of course variations on the Pope’s regnal name.

Since the Vatican has publicized there are deciding what Twitter handle to use I hope they already got accounts or the ones they are considering.

He could also go all ecumenical with @PatriarchoftheWest which is not yet taken.

I like @RomanPontifexMaximus which is exactly 20 characters and available.

What say you?

February 24, 2012February 24, 2012 9 comments

Humor

Smudgegate

by Jeffrey Miller February 22, 2012February 22, 2012

written by Jeffrey Miller

As a certified hypercritical Catholic pundit I want to gen up a controversy as an enforcer of blogosphere orthodoxy.

Here are pictures of two Catholic candidates at the Arizona GOP debate on Ash Wednesday and shockingly – no ashes on their presidential wannabe foreheads. I dub this “Smudgegate” So what if there is no requirement to keep your ashes on all day, much less receive them. So what if this is inconsequential. I demand that Catholic politicians give some signs of their faith in public.