Humor

Pat Archbold has a a very funny piece up a the National Catholic Register titled What if the Church was a Car Company?.

Just to whet your appetite before you read the whole thing:

• Communion of Saints: The ultimate drivers support group. Like totally On*Star on steroids.
• Concupiscence: The tendency of all people to drive off the road while fiddling with the radio.

Although there is one definition I would tweak:

• Confession: The repair department. For the measly price of a few ‘Our Fathers’, ‘Haily Marys’, and repentance you can have your car returned to factory condition.

I would say to to get your car returned to factory condition would be the sacrament of Baptism. Confession does not always remit the temporal punishment which God requires as satisfaction for our sins. Baptism takes away all the punishment, both eternal and temporal.

Now here are some of my own definitions to add to the list:

• Dissidents Just like the car’s exhaust where a lot of hot fumes go through it and it works best when muffled. Instead of a catalytic converter a Catholic conversion is much better.
• Women’s Ordination Conference A group that pretty much hates every car in the companies lineup, yet for some reason wants to run the company.
• Conscience This is just like the dashboard warning lights. When these light up you should never ignore them or else they could lead to the dreaded “Check Engine” light. Repair ye, before your engine is dead that your malfunctions can be wiped away.
• Spiritual Direction You think your car is running pretty good, but you want it perfectly tuned up. The mechanic gets under the hood and helps you to find areas such as valves that need to be adjusted and other things that throw off your timing. The mechanic helps you to see the problems you missed that need repair.
• Gather Hymnal Like a Chevrolet Corvair and unsafe at any time signature.

Plus of course there is my picture of Mary’s Fiat:

For those who need a little cheering up today, I present LarryD’s awesome interview with Patrick Madrid’s mustache even if it is all hair say.

Also rather funny is the Ironic Catholic’s Cyber Catholics Planning On Giving Up Facebook For Lent Thrown Into Existential Crisis

More funny stuff from Eye of the Tiber with Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

The Ironic Catholic has an amusing post on “Why Jesus Wouldn’t Have Been A Blogger”

Oh, don’t get your panties in a wad, okay folks? St Paul would have been a blogger (Man, think of those comboxes). St Francis de Sales would have been a blogger. St. Maximilian Kolbe would have been a blogger. Not bad company at all, but Jesus would have stuck to “God’s pedagogy,” parables. After all, think about it….the reasons why Jesus wouldn’t have been a blogger (beyond a lack of computers and internet):

You can see her list of reasons here.

Now I will hijack her idea with some of my own possible reasons:

• Because there is no Content Management System that allows writing in sand with your finger as an input device.
• Jesus could not find a hosting plan that would renew the site domain each year for eternity.
• Because he knew people would be annoyed at him if he was a daily blogger. “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day.”
• The Gospel of John does not start with “In the beginning was the WordPress, and the WordPress was with God.”
• He decided the world really didn’t need skeptics asking if God could write a blog post so long he couldn’t finish it.
• Jesus living in eternity outside of time lives in the eternal now and sees all events as one. Thus making it easy to accidentally post on something that hasn’t happened yet in our experience of time. For God everything is a spoiler alert.
• He knew it would be difficult for us to always have to update the Bible with new blog posts. Plus he was totally fine with what St. John wrote “But there are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.”
• Jesus is perfect and thus could not be a blogger. Satan though could easily be a blog commenter.

PORTLAND, OR | Sun Jan 27, 2013 4:31pm EST

(ROTO REUTERS) – Parishioners at Prince of Peace Catholic Church are looking for new members. This vibrant inclusive parish is looking to expand in the community and to bring its brand of active participation to everybody.

This Sunday it was rather awkward when they realized there was nobody in the pews to receive Communion and that everybody there was a Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (EMHC). Normally there were a couple of people available to receive Communion since they had not yet finished training to become a EMHC. Unfortunately they were out with the flu this week.

Ms. Eve Rewon remarked “Usually each week we have fun trying to entice those couple of people in the pews to come up to us to receive. It is such an honor when out of all the EMHCs available they come to you to receive our Lord!” Another EMHC Mr Juan Per preferred the days when only half of the parishioners were EMHCs and liked each person having their own EMHC to serve them. “This was real customer service where you could come to have a personal relationship with your EMHC. Although it took quite a while for Father to give us all Communion, it was really fast afterwards when each person came up to their designated
EMHC.”

Prince of Peace Catholic Church is also currently creating plans for building a new church building. Fr. Git Along said “We have outgrown our parish since the sanctuary is super-crowded with no room for expansion. Some have suggested removing some rows of pews and expanding the sanctuary that way and perhaps that might work for now. Ultimately though we have to expand the sanctuary to accomodate EMHCs and have enough lanes of traffic along with room to grow.”

Emergency plans were drawn up after Mass to find new ways to evangelize in the Community and to find people to receive Communion. To go out into the whole world and spread the good news and to become part of the track to becoming a parishioner and ultimately also an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. One anonymous parishioner told us “We are going to have to go all Mormon and JW out there going door to door to make sure this happens.”

Notes:

• Inspired by a Mass I went to this week with over a dozen EMHCs.
• The photo was cobbled together from a couple of images on the internet. No disrespect intended for the priest in the photo or the people in the group shot of actual EMHCs.

LarryD on 10 New Names For The NCReporter

In his most recent column published in the diocesan paper, The Catholic Key, Bishop Finn of Kansas City has stated in no uncertain terms that the National Catholic Reporter should not be calling itself Catholic. I encourage you to read it if you haven’t already. It’s excellent stuff.

Now, they won’t be obeying Bishop Finn any time soon, but still, if by chance they come to their senses and do the right thing, they’re gonna need a new name.

And guess what – I have 10 suggestions (of course I do, right?)

1. The Nullified Conscience Reporter
2. The Midwest Journal of Religious Emasculation
3. Theological Masturbation & Review
4. Screw You, Rome Reports
5. New Age Apostate & Chronicle
6. The Weakly Faith Weekly
7. The Apostolic Underminer
8. The Sixth Circle Times-Union
9. The Poor Man’s Unitarian Almanac
10. Heretic Herald & Heritage

Got any other suggestions?

Well here are a couple.

• Itching Ears Weekly
• National Tares and Chaff Reporter
• Heretic’s R Us
• The New Sodom Times
• National Compost
• False Christianity Today
• White Washed Tomb Times
• Apostolic Editorial Board (at least that seems to be how they see themselves)
• Dissent of Man
• Reverse Tardis Times (The ideas are even smaller than they appear on the outside)
• Fishwrap (Really Father’s Z’s description fits the best)

Really it would be nice to not confuse “National Catholic” — “Reporter” and “Register”. To have to differentiate between the good NCR and the bad NCR.

I feel funnier just linking to posts from Eye of the tiber

Müller To Build Vatican II Theme Park

Makes me ponder on what if there really was a Vatican or other Catholic theme park? Holy Roller Coasters?

Now I know marianland bills itself as a Catholic Theme Park. But really a replica of Medjugorje?

I really want to see an animatronic Hall of Popes.

I believe DanteLand or Dante World would be rather awesome. Dante’s nine circles of Hell would put those Protestant “Hell Houses” to shame. Tour guides would act and dress like the Roman poet Virgil.

Purgatory could be just like the “It’s a small world” ride. You are forced to listen to that song and go round and round the ride until you have been expiated of all your attachment to sin. Perhaps nothing quite so cruel. I do like the idea of a “It’s a small world” ride where you see examples of Catholics around the world practicing their faith. The universality of the Church does make for something pretty cool.

Plus I think the version of Catholic Heaven envisioned in The Simpsons would be really fun as an attraction.

Now what attractions could the Vatican build for progressives? Oh I know – labyrinths since they so love them. Really really complicated labyrinths that take years for them to find their way out. Kind of like the Hotel California “You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave!” Or maybe fun house mirrors. Well maybe not since they so distort Catholic teaching everything might look normal to them.

Perhaps you can think up an even better ride/theme?

The continuously funny Eye of the Tiber:

Wichita, KS––Reports out of The Church of the Most Holy Trinity in Wichita, Kansas are confirming that last week’s launch of their new drive-thru confessional was a complete success. “It’s an absolute blessing,” Church Pastor Father Donald Borland told Eye of the Tiber. “One day I was sitting in the confessional listening to this old man’s confessions, and all I could think about was how long this poor old man was standing in line. I remember I thought to my self, ‘Self, there’s gotta be a better way to do this than to have people standing in line for 20 minutes.’” So began the idea to create the first drive-thru confessional. “I love it, and it’s so simple,” Stephanie Randal, a college sophomore said. “You drive up to a menu with a list of all types of sins and combo sins, and you just tell the priest which number or numbers you did on the menu. No chit-chat, no nothing. I remember I told him I committed a number four super-sized, and he asked me to please drive forward. That’s it. You drive up to him at the first window, he absolves you, and the last step is you go to the second window where his secretary tells you your total. They call it a penance, I guess…I don’t know, I drove right through that part.”

I had a similar idea seven years ago, but I love his touch about the second window where you get the penance total.

From my previous post:

The question though is what is the best method to get American to frequent the confessional? In this fast food culture maybe we could appeal to a fast food idea like drive thru confession. I propose a new company called Jiffy Shriven after the Old English term to go to confession.

Here would be my logo.

And a sample drive thru.

And to easily remind people when to return to confession, the following sticker could be placed on the driver side windshield.

While your there they could also check your holy water font or holy water bottle level to see if more fluids need to be added. Though you won’t have to worry about them trying to hawk other sacrament while there. You won’t hear “I noticed you are not looking so well. We can give you final unction as part of a package deal.”

Here are my sure-fire predictions and thoughts for 2013.

• “The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent mistakes from being corrected.” –G.K Chesterton
• That the politicians that got us into this mess will not get us out of it.
• That the main stream media will get every story regarding the Vatican and/or the Pope wrong. (thus providing continuous fodder for Catholic blogs)
• That cantors and choir directors will continue to be immune to the “reform of the reform” and totally blind to the example of the Pope.
• That the musical-stylings of Haugen/Daas/Schutte will continue to dominate accompanied by strumming folk guitarists thus making the Mass contemporary if you still lived in the 60’s. Yes there will be outbreaks of “brick by brick” actual sacred music, but it won’t be contagious in most diocese.
• That the bracketed, short form, reading of Ephesians 5 will be the one read at Mass.
• There will be more people attending Ash Wednesday than the Solemnity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Mother of God. Maybe we can come up with hangover-cure sacramentals to pass out to correct this.
• There will still be no Jesuit college/university that joins in the fight against the HHS mandate.
• The mandatum, which is required of all teachers of theology at Catholic colleges and universities, will still not be implemented and schools will continue to be secretive about who had signed/not signed it.
• 40 years from now Catholics will be complaining about the catechesis in the generation before. 80 years from now Catholics will be complaining about the catechesis in the generation before. …
• Jesus is still Lord and we are all still called to be saints.

On the lighter side of things:

• I just might read a book or two during the new year.
• Ironic Catholic, Eye of the Tiber, Acts of the Apostasy will continue to make me guffaw on a constant basis along with a vast list of Catholic writers. Creative Minority Report’s “We laugh because we believe” will still hold true.
• “An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.” –G. K. Chesterton.
• If you are not a joyful Catholic, you’re doing it wrong.

Predictions with zero chance of occurring:

• Mark Shea and Michael Vorbis will become great friends after the Dalai Lama intervenes.
• One of the things Progressive Catholics prophesy actually occurs.
• Father Z will show pictures of his recently acquired rainbow stole on his blog.
• Jennifer Fulwiler will start keeping scorpions as pets.
• Fr Philip Neri Powell, OP will give up reading for Lent.
• Patrick Madrid will have his voice surgically altered so that he no longer sounds like Patrick Coffin – or vice versa.
• I will decide to read all the Twilight books and grow to have a fondness for sparkly vampires.
• The Crescat will reveal her secret prized collection of felt banners on Hoarders
• Raymond Arroyo will not find a chance to sing during the annual “The World Over” Christmas special.
• EWTN will also buy The National Catholic Reporter and keep the staff of it.