For those who need a little cheering up today, I present LarryD’s awesome interview with Patrick Madrid’s mustache even if it is all hair say.
Also rather funny is the Ironic Catholic’s Cyber Catholics Planning On Giving Up Facebook For Lent Thrown Into Existential Crisis
More funny stuff from Eye of the Tiber with Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About
The Ironic Catholic has an amusing post on “Why Jesus Wouldn’t Have Been A Blogger”
Oh, don’t get your panties in a wad, okay folks? St Paul would have been a blogger (Man, think of those comboxes). St Francis de Sales would have been a blogger. St. Maximilian Kolbe would have been a blogger. Not bad company at all, but Jesus would have stuck to “God’s pedagogy,” parables. After all, think about it….the reasons why Jesus wouldn’t have been a blogger (beyond a lack of computers and internet):
You can see her list of reasons here.
Now I will hijack her idea with some of my own possible reasons:
PORTLAND, OR | Sun Jan 27, 2013 4:31pm EST
(ROTO REUTERS) – Parishioners at Prince of Peace Catholic Church are looking for new members. This vibrant inclusive parish is looking to expand in the community and to bring its brand of active participation to everybody.
This Sunday it was rather awkward when they realized there was nobody in the pews to receive Communion and that everybody there was a Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (EMHC). Normally there were a couple of people available to receive Communion since they had not yet finished training to become a EMHC. Unfortunately they were out with the flu this week.
Ms. Eve Rewon remarked “Usually each week we have fun trying to entice those couple of people in the pews to come up to us to receive. It is such an honor when out of all the EMHCs available they come to you to receive our Lord!” Another EMHC Mr Juan Per preferred the days when only half of the parishioners were EMHCs and liked each person having their own EMHC to serve them. “This was real customer service where you could come to have a personal relationship with your EMHC. Although it took quite a while for Father to give us all Communion, it was really fast afterwards when each person came up to their designated
EMHC.”
Prince of Peace Catholic Church is also currently creating plans for building a new church building. Fr. Git Along said “We have outgrown our parish since the sanctuary is super-crowded with no room for expansion. Some have suggested removing some rows of pews and expanding the sanctuary that way and perhaps that might work for now. Ultimately though we have to expand the sanctuary to accomodate EMHCs and have enough lanes of traffic along with room to grow.”
Emergency plans were drawn up after Mass to find new ways to evangelize in the Community and to find people to receive Communion. To go out into the whole world and spread the good news and to become part of the track to becoming a parishioner and ultimately also an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. One anonymous parishioner told us “We are going to have to go all Mormon and JW out there going door to door to make sure this happens.”
Notes:
LarryD on 10 New Names For The NCReporter
In his most recent column published in the diocesan paper, The Catholic Key, Bishop Finn of Kansas City has stated in no uncertain terms that the National Catholic Reporter should not be calling itself Catholic. I encourage you to read it if you haven’t already. It’s excellent stuff.
Now, they won’t be obeying Bishop Finn any time soon, but still, if by chance they come to their senses and do the right thing, they’re gonna need a new name.
And guess what – I have 10 suggestions (of course I do, right?)
- The Nullified Conscience Reporter
- The Midwest Journal of Religious Emasculation
- Theological Masturbation & Review
- Screw You, Rome Reports
- New Age Apostate & Chronicle
- The Weakly Faith Weekly
- The Apostolic Underminer
- The Sixth Circle Times-Union
- The Poor Man’s Unitarian Almanac
- Heretic Herald & Heritage
Got any other suggestions?
Well here are a couple.
Really it would be nice to not confuse “National Catholic” — “Reporter” and “Register”. To have to differentiate between the good NCR and the bad NCR.
Here is a post on 10 iPhone Apps that Remind You to Pray via A Catholic Life.
I once downloaded an app like this. Problem was once I set it to St. Paul mode* I couldn’t turn off the constant notifications.
Another app I downloaded never reminded me to fast. I guess it didn’t have a fast processor in it.
Joking aside, the app that help me pray are the Liturgy of the Hour’s apps. Very helpful for me to get into the rhythm of praying throughout the day. I use iBreviary and Universalis. There is also the Divine Office app which is both text and audio, but I have no direct experience with this app.
iBreviary and Divine Office are also available on Android.
*(1 Thes 5:17)
I feel funnier just linking to posts from Eye of the tiber
Müller To Build Vatican II Theme Park
Makes me ponder on what if there really was a Vatican or other Catholic theme park? Holy Roller Coasters?
Now I know marianland bills itself as a Catholic Theme Park. But really a replica of Medjugorje?
I really want to see an animatronic Hall of Popes.
I believe DanteLand or Dante World would be rather awesome. Dante’s nine circles of Hell would put those Protestant “Hell Houses” to shame. Tour guides would act and dress like the Roman poet Virgil.
Purgatory could be just like the “It’s a small world” ride. You are forced to listen to that song and go round and round the ride until you have been expiated of all your attachment to sin. Perhaps nothing quite so cruel. I do like the idea of a “It’s a small world” ride where you see examples of Catholics around the world practicing their faith. The universality of the Church does make for something pretty cool.
Plus I think the version of Catholic Heaven envisioned in The Simpsons would be really fun as an attraction.
Now what attractions could the Vatican build for progressives? Oh I know – labyrinths since they so love them. Really really complicated labyrinths that take years for them to find their way out. Kind of like the Hotel California “You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave!” Or maybe fun house mirrors. Well maybe not since they so distort Catholic teaching everything might look normal to them.
Perhaps you can think up an even better ride/theme?
The continuously funny Eye of the Tiber:
Wichita, KS––Reports out of The Church of the Most Holy Trinity in Wichita, Kansas are confirming that last week’s launch of their new drive-thru confessional was a complete success. “It’s an absolute blessing,” Church Pastor Father Donald Borland told Eye of the Tiber. “One day I was sitting in the confessional listening to this old man’s confessions, and all I could think about was how long this poor old man was standing in line. I remember I thought to my self, ‘Self, there’s gotta be a better way to do this than to have people standing in line for 20 minutes.’” So began the idea to create the first drive-thru confessional. “I love it, and it’s so simple,” Stephanie Randal, a college sophomore said. “You drive up to a menu with a list of all types of sins and combo sins, and you just tell the priest which number or numbers you did on the menu. No chit-chat, no nothing. I remember I told him I committed a number four super-sized, and he asked me to please drive forward. That’s it. You drive up to him at the first window, he absolves you, and the last step is you go to the second window where his secretary tells you your total. They call it a penance, I guess…I don’t know, I drove right through that part.”
I had a similar idea seven years ago, but I love his touch about the second window where you get the penance total.
From my previous post:
The question though is what is the best method to get American to frequent the confessional? In this fast food culture maybe we could appeal to a fast food idea like drive thru confession. I propose a new company called Jiffy Shriven after the Old English term to go to confession.
Here would be my logo.
And a sample drive thru.
And to easily remind people when to return to confession, the following sticker could be placed on the driver side windshield.
While your there they could also check your holy water font or holy water bottle level to see if more fluids need to be added. Though you won’t have to worry about them trying to hawk other sacrament while there. You won’t hear “I noticed you are not looking so well. We can give you final unction as part of a package deal.”
Here are my sure-fire predictions and thoughts for 2013.
On the lighter side of things:
Predictions with zero chance of occurring:
Wow! How far has the world fallen? A group of parents in Missoula, Mont. are upset over the religious nature of Christmas songs performed at a local elementary school – alleging the songs about the Baby Jesus is unconstitutional and a “form of bullying.”
The parents, who declined to be identified, are threatening to sue the Missoula County Public School District unless songs like “Joy to the World” and “Good Christian Men Rejoice” are replaced with secular tunes. [Via Creative Minority Report]
I’m shocked, shocked I tell you. That there is a public school that was still singing actual Christmas carols is quite shocking. Especially how did “Good Christian Men” get past the inclusive language politically correct carols?
Although Christmas carols are quite dangerous and can have a delayed impact on the young mind. As a young atheist and throughout my life I have loved Christmas carols and specifically the traditional sacred carols. I had zero theological connection with them, but I knew their beauty musically and I reacted to that beauty. While I can enjoy the more seasonal Christmas songs that are more about climate and good feelings during this season (Christmasy songs), the traditional carols were always what I wanted to hear.
At one time you could turn on the radio and be certain to hear a good proportion of the sacred Christmas carols. As years have passed the stations that would play “Holiday” music were concentrating almost fully on the Christmasy songs. I remember once noting on a 24 hour Christmas music channel on a cable network that after a couples of days they played no traditional songs at all.
Wanting my traditional Christmas carol fix I had started to channel hop on the radio trying to find a station that played them. This led me to listening to Protestant radio and putting up with their between song messages. This in turn led me to the seeking phase of my conversion and devouring books at the library on the subject. The hit-and-run accident that had led me to question my atheist faith a couple of years priors had opened me up and of course God was providing me grace to see the world anew.
So atheist parents if you want your kids to grow up to be devout atheists please don’t let them become ritually unclean by listening to actual Christmas carols. Beauty is a devious trick of believers, sow watch out.
The above story though does remind me of a parody I did before:
PORTLAND, OR (Roto Reuters) A new children’s choir groups is getting lots of attention and bookings during the winter season. The Silent Night Seasonal Semi-Singers sidestep the problems inherent in a multi-cultural society and what has been called the “Christmas wars.” Secularists are upset with the lyrics of explicitly Christian carols and Christians become upset when these carols are left out. To solve this problem Ms. Giesel of the the Glencoe school elemenatary choir decided instead of hymns to do hums. Students are gagged while performing to ensure no actual Christian carols are ever sung. The instrumental portions of traditional Christmas carols are slightly altered to ensure no one in the audience might attempt to sing along. Silent Night is sung just as intended – totally silent. To ensure fairness winter holiday songs are also hummed.
Parents at first were hesitant to endorse the idea until they found out how enthusiastic their kids were. Now even students with no musical talent can join the choir and hum along. The provided humnal makes it very easy for kids to learn songs since they do not have to memorize any lyrics. When the audience is invited to join in and hum along nobody ever feels bad or put down since they don’t know the words or only know the first refrain.
The idea is catching on in neighborhoods where kids bundle up and go around the neighborhood from door to door humming or what some have called humoling. People are thrilled to find hummers at their door humming along to slightly familiar tunes invoking the winter season. So if you see a group of humolers approaching your door this season then open your door to the joys of holiday humoling.
I was asked to repost this which I did back in 2007.
Have you ever been a Sunday morning quarterback during Mass where you critique and liturgical abuses or experimental oddities that you have observed. You just wish at times that somebody would step in and do something about what your are observing.Well we have some good news for you! Francis Cardinal Arinze the Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments has introduced a new program that will surely have an effect.
The recently created position of Liturgical Referee has been instituted to help to bring uniformity to the celebration of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Liturgical Referees will travel around the world randomly attending Masses. Liturgical Referees will stand, mostly quietly, to the side of the sanctuary during Mass and call out signals if he observes any liturgical penalties according to the GIRM and other liturgical documents. Only in the case of penalties that would make the Mass itself invalid will the Liturgical Referee blow his whistle and when necessary call for any replays to correct any mistake made. Penalty markers may be thrown during the Mass to alert the celebrant to any problems that might need immediate correction.
Liturgical Referee in action
After Mass any penalties will be reviewed with the celebrant and more serious penalties will be taken to the local ordinary for determination for any fines or whether the celebrant just needs to get back to the liturgical playbook (GIRM) and/or to review films of properly celebrated Masses. In the case of penalty free liturgies the Liturgical Referee will thank the celebrant and be given the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments seal of approval.
The Liturgical Referee’s has responsibility in enforcing the liturgical rules and maintaining the order of the liturgy. During the liturgy please do not yell out or insult the Liturgical Referee. We assure you he is not blind and is doing his job to the best of his abilities and whether you feel he has missed a liturgical abuse or that he is being too hard on your pastor we ask that you act charitably on his calls.
Applicants for Liturgical Referee should be well versed in Canon Law as applies to the liturgy, the GIRM and other liturgical documents, and a familiarity with any indults and permissions as set by the local bishop’s conference and the local ordinary. The applicant should also be physically fit so that he will be able to make all off the signals that might be required at a more experimental celebration of the liturgy. Applicants should be familiar with the following liturgical signals.
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Example Liturgical Signals
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No Crucifix in sanctuary. |
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Liturgical dance detected. |
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Member of laity giving homily – to be evicted from lectern. |
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Incomplete or no consecration. Occurs when illicit matter is used, wrong formula used, only one of the two elements of bread or wine is not properly consecrated, or no validly ordained male priest/bishop is present. In case where only one element is consecrated a replay is called for. |
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Illegal use of hands. Normally called when the celebrant has left the sanctuary to shake everybody’s hands. |
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Questionable or just downright heretical theology used in homily. When detected the Liturgical Ref pulls on his lips in a downward direction. |
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The “What the heck am my hearing” signal is one of the most common signals and indicates syrupy banal liturgical music or the inappropriate use of secular music such as show tunes and popular music (especially from the seventies). |
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Disregarding the prescribed text of the Order of Mass. This is another common liturgical penalty despite the fact that no other person, even if he be a priest, may add, remove, or change anything in the liturgy on his own authority. (Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy) |
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Illicit Posture. Usually called when you are being asked to stand instead of kneel or any other poster adaptation not specified by the GIRM or set by your bishop’s conference or licitly specified by your local ordinary. |
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Illicit purification of sacred vessels. This is called when the purification of the sacred vessels is done by an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion despite the fact the the Pope revoked the indult in the U.S. for this permission. |
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Illicit Participation. Called when too many people are in the sanctuary. For example occurs when EMHC arrive before the fraction rite or when some members of the congregation are invited into the sanctuary to pray with the priest during the consecration. |
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Un-Christian Like Conduct. Can be called when elements of other religions contrary to Christianity are introduced such as new age beliefs. Un-Christian Like Conduct is also often called in the parking lot after Mass. |
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Illegal Pass. The celebrant is simply not allowed to make a pass at anybody. |
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Stole Infraction. Normally occurs when the celebrant wears his stole on top of the chasuble. Another penalty can be added if the celebrant does this and the stole is also horrendously ugly or has an seventies themes. |
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Illegal Receiver of Holy Communion. Those who are excommunicated or interdicted after the imposition or declaration of the penalty and others who obstinately persist in manifest grave sin are not to be admitted to Holy Communion. |
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Clowns in the sanctuary – run for your life. |
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Excessive use of inclusive language. Penalty is thrown when grammatical awkwardness is detected in avoiding male pronouns and every other sentence begins brothers and sisters. |
With the presence of the Liturgical Referee you can leave liturgical abuse spotting to the experts and spend your time instead trying to enter the Mass in prayer.
Update: Fr. Philip N. Powell, OP has some other liturgical hand signals not included in the examples above.
Update 2: Some have asked for a version of this they can easily print out. I have created a PDF version of this parody.
