Woe is me, woe is me. Because of the recent hubbub (did I just say hubbub?)
over the Senator from Mississippi’s comment (every pun variation of his name has
already been done) and all the talking heads causing a storm, I realized my sad
predicament. I am white, Republican, and because of my adoption of a
geographical location – now a southerner. With all of this going against me I
must be a racist. I have tried hard to examine my conscience and my actions to
find my implied racism, but with those three strikes against me I must be unable
to detect it. When I see a sheet I don’t imagine where I am going to cut the eye
holes. When I walk past an African-Americans house I don’t envision a burning
cross as a lawn ornament. I don’t long for the days before a Republican
president abolished slavery. I also don’t long for the days before Republicans
helped pass the civil rights act. I don’t walk past a drinking fountain with the
temptation to add a “whites only” sign to it. I don’t believe that the amount of
melanin in your skin determines your character or abilities and I don’t believe
that there is one iota of difference in God given dignity from one person to
another.
Not only was I born with original sin, apparently according to the press and
that bastion (or maybe another word that starts with bast) of virtue Bill
Clinton, that since I am white I must have been born with original racism.
Baptism is regenerative and wipes out sin and there is a political form of
baptism for those born with original racism. The politically correct sacrament
of Democratism will not only wipe away any past racism but will also keep any
current comments or actions from being perceived as racism. After a Democratism
is performed you can make any racial epithets you want and they will be totally
ignored by the media. This is like Martin Luther’s dunghill analogy where you
can be totally corrupt, but when covered with snow the internal corruption is
hidden. Democratism will also confer on you the ability by the media to be pure
as the driven snow and to “demagogue race boldly” without fear of being called a
racist. Senator Robert Byrd the ex-klansman had a democratism performed and even
with last years use of the “N” word he has been saved from the media calling him
a racist. The ordinary minister to perform a Democratism is a New York Times or
CNN reporter, in an emergency anyone may perform this rite. To perform a
Democratism you first sprinkle snake oil over the forehead of the person and say
the formula “I Democratise you in the name of the NAACP, ACLU, and Rainbow
Coalition” (though some people say that must you do it in the name of Jessie
only). Traditionally the hymn that is sung on this occasion is “Amazing Race
Card.”
Unfortunately unlike Baptism, Democratism does not leave an indelible mark
and so you can lose your race-baiting protection. If you apostatize from the
Democratic faith and become a conservative you then have fallen from race. This
can be verified from the Dim erratic party apostates Strom Thurmond, Trent Lott,
and Ronald Reagan.
