If Adam had a blog

Hi my name is Adam and this is my weblog. Don’t be fooled by my apparent age, I wasn’t born yesterday; in fact it was earlier today. Being the only person in a generation is difficult, I have to be a role model to myself. And it is kind of

hard to define myself so I have dubbed my generation Gen X or since it is the first Genesis X. I was created fully formed as an adult so I got to miss out on my rebellious teenage years, which is a good thing since I didn’t have a mother and father to rebel against.

I was getting kind of down that nobody was reading my blog and I first thought that maybe my writing was a little self indulgent being that it was always about me. Being the first man and having been made out of dust you would think that would confer

some kind of celebrity status, but I guess not. Upon further reflection I realize that the problems is that God created all of these creatures who are not capable of appreciating my writing so I am going to ask the big guy to maybe create some blog readers.

Update: God told me “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

I was walking in the garden today and I started to feel really sleepy. I laid down to take a nap and fell into a deep sleep to wake up some unknown hours later. When I woke up I was missing a rib and my new helper was there.

It is hard to describe my new partner, looks much like me but significantly different in some parts of the anatomy. Overall I am pretty impressed and

I had to create something which I called poetry to describe this event. So here goes: This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

I named her Eve and she didn’t seem to object.

So far so good. I also now have this strange compulsion to tell mother-in-law jokes which is kind of strange considering that neither of us has mothers.

God charged Eve and I to be fruitful and multiply. Now I have no problems about filling the earth with more people and I would gratefully oblige God’s wish. The only problem is now that I got this job I don’t want to just fall into deep sleeps since I might get fired and also I have only so many ribs.

Update: God assured me that

rib-taking is not going to be the reproductive process and that I would probably enjoy being fruitful and multiplying.

Today Eve and I signed a lease agreement for the Garden of Eden. The small print on the contract was rather odd and it said.

You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die I guess I shouldn’t object since we get to live in paradise for free and avoiding the fruit of one tree should be no big deal.

This was not a very good day. That snake I posted about earlier talked my wife into eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. My wife came to me with the fruit and told me she had ate of it and that she didn’t die. Well surely if she could eat of it, then I could do the same with no problem.

I thought why should I not be able to have the knowledge of good and evil. And once I find out what it is why shouldn’t I then decide what is to be called good and what is to be called evil. After all I was created in God’s image, why can’t I also do as he does. That would be real equality.

Well I bit into that fruit and my eyes were opened and I realized my wife and I were both standing around outside naked. This was extremely embarrassing.

I saw God coming toward us in the garden. We tried to hide, but he found us anyway. My advice is don’t waste your time trying to hide from somebody who has omnipresence. God told us:

“Because you have done this, cursed are you above all cattle, and above all wild animals; upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life. I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; he shall bruise your head, andyou shall bruise his heel.”

To my wife he said: “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you”

And to me he said: “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, `You shall not eat of it,’

cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth to you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

God was kind enough to make us some new clothes out of animal skins, but again Eve has no shoes to match so it’s back to shopping.

Since we broke the terms of our lease for the Garden of Eden, ourlandlord (God) is kicking us out. If you ever have God as a landlord, don’t upset him. If you upset most landlords they will evict you and place a padlock on the door.

After leaving Eden I realized I had left a box of my stuff in the garden. I went back to the entrance east of eden to go back in but now there were security guard cherubim and a flaming sword blocking the entrance.

Our first son was born today . Pretty amazing experience.

|My wife shouted out: “I have gotten a man with the help of the LORD.”

I thought that was rather incoherent, but after what she went through I can’t blame her.

Eve is pregnant with our second child. She is rather mad at me and says she doesn’t want to go through that pain of childbirth again. I told her it was her own fault for handing me that fruit. That if she hadn’t eaten of it then childbirth wouldn’t have been painful. She didn’t appreciate the argument I made, so now I have to go invent something called a couch to sleep on.

It’s been a couple thousand of years since I last updated my blog. I recently got an advance copy of Moses’s scroll called Genesis. I wasn’t very pleased with how I was portrayed and I considered suing him for defamation of character. You don’ know what it is like always being blamed for original sin, always being the original fall guy.

Update: God told me not to feel so down and he informed me that in the future that something called the Exultet would praise my mistake. O happy fault which gained for us so great a Redeemer! Now that’s more like it