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Hi I am Joey Brown the President of the Hamster American Life League (HALL). I am glad to announce that we have finally decided on which candidate to endorse in this year’s presidential election. We were for a while quite uncertain which way to go. None of the candidate returned our questionnaire that dealt specifically with hamster issues like minimum cage laws. I tell you running around all day in a hamster wheel is not what it is cracked up to be. Being a uninsured hamster and knowing that one slip and you were in a financial hurt is no way to live. |
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I don’t know if I trust President Bush’s selection of pets. Neither Barney the Terrier or Willie the cat look very hamster-friendly. And Ralph Nader in his consumer advocacies has never gone after the Hamster-Wheel lobby even though most of these wheels are unsafe at any speed. Now you might think that Senator Kerry’s pro-abortion record for human children might be an indicator to us about possible hamster issues. But we have found in the past that those who fully support human abortion will fight for baby whales and even unborn turtles in their eggs. In fact while human unborn child killing is legal, eagle and turtle eggs are protected under force of law. Humans are so confusing! So we were undecided as a group until we saw this article. Senator John Kerry once rescued his children’s pet hamster from the sea and gave it the kiss of life, his daughter Alexandra revealed today. Ms Kerry, 30, told how during a family sailing trip, the cage containing their pet, Licorice, was accidentally knocked overboard to a “watery doom”. She was speaking to the Democratic National Convention in Boston, introducing her father to delegates who officially nominated him as the party’s presidential candidate. Ms Kerry told how for most families there would have been an impromptu “funeral at sea” for the pet and tears. But she told how Mr Kerry leapt into the water, hooked the cage from beneath the water’s surface with an oar and administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the tiny rodent. “Like I said, it may sound silly. We still laugh about it today. But to us it was serious, and that’s what mattered to my father,” Ms Kerry said. She added: “The hamster was never quite the same after that but he lived.” Human-hamster mouth-to-mouth! What a great step in human-to-hamster healthcare. Now it is kind of creepy that Licorice the hamster was not quite the same afterwards. Some of us thought that was like the cat in the Stephen King novel that was restored from death via a pet cemetery and was not quite the same afterwards. Regardless, anybody that gives a hamster the kiss of life is just fine in our book. So vote pro-hamster and vote Kerry-Edwards 2004! |
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6 comments
Not until we know where the little rodent stands on the death penalty…hmmm…??
Another good one!
Who speaks for the gerbils, though?
The cat’s name in Pet Sematary was, “Church.”
Go Figure !
DD
The animal probably suffered brain injury from lack of oxygen.
Good thing its name was Licorice and not Terri Schiavo.
Peony Moss, you’re bad (as in “good”!) … ludicrous story about the hamster. I prefer dogs, who love to swim, or cats, who are too intelligent to go near the water … a “watery doom”, indeed! Piffle, as my Brit friends say — pure, top-grade piffle! I don’t remember JFK (Kennedy) saying anything in his acceptance speech in 1960 about his war record. As a recent article in The Montreal Gazette pointed out, JFK only mentioned it when a reporter asked him how he became a war hero. Kennedy’s reply: “They sank my boat” — this simple matter-of-fact answer when compared w. Kerry’s bombast speaks volumes, and explains why I still like JFK in spite of his rather questionable morals. The man was down to earth, totally unlike Kerry the B.S. artist — and had a certain amount of class totally missing in all politicians of today.