American Vocation

VATICAN CITY (AP) — A group of Midwestern bishops is concluding a visit to Vatican City, where Pope John Paul the Second told them he’s worried about the declining number of U-S priests.

He told a group of visiting American bishops on Friday that the challenge can’t be ignored.

The pope is calling for a national day of prayer for priestly vocations, as well as new ways to recruit priests.

I have seen the normal responses by self-identified progressive Catholics that the solution is of course women priests and married clergy. They never seem to remember that the Church had up to the 1960 not had a vocation crisis and did not require the change of a discipline for celebrate clergy or abandoning a constant teaching of the Church as regards a male priesthood. It is rather funny to watch many diocese with a progressive bent continue to lose vocation while those identified as throwbacks who are stodgy, old fashioned and and un-yielding to modern culture such as Bishop Bruskewitz and Bishop Chaput not only have burgeoning vocations but have had to build new seminaries. The foibles of the modern Catholics who do everything to make the church more relevant and accessible to everyone while at the same time have declining Mass attendance and religions vocations would be funny if it wasn’t so destructive.

I think they should make a comedy about this.

In the movie "American Vocations" Chevy Chase plays Bishop Griswold a bumbling bishop that just can’t do anything right. We watch as he reads and implements the latest suggestions from the National Catholic Reporter and America magazine. He strives to build the perfect American parish accessible to everyone and finds that it is really accessible with no one going to Mass.

We watch the laughs as he:

• Introduces Self-centering prayer – perfect for self centered lay people.
• Leads bible study by introducing the neon black highlighter. Scriptural passages that are difficult to follow or contrary to your conscience can be highlighted in black.
• Adds species inclusive language – no more of the man and women or brother and sister terminology that excludes others of God’s species from actively participating in the Mass and feeling left out with human specific phrasing.
• The book "I’m OK, your OK" is carried in procession to the altar.
• Develops the automated confessional that is voice actuated and gives the absolution message "I affirm you" when the affirmed stops speaking.
• Not only is first communion always before first confession, but since children 12 and under could not possibly commit a sin – height indicators such as those used in amusement parks are placed in front of the confessionals.
• New catechetical texts are introduced into the parish RCIA program such as the "I love you where your at – Jesus Coloring Book."
• Rap and Heavy Metal Masses are celebrated where the proper response is Yo! or Dude! The choir director is replaced by a DJ.
• To emphasize that the Mass is a communal meal a drive-thru window is added next to the altar so that communicants can receive the Precious Body and Blood of Christ and even to have fries with that.
• Liturgical texts now include the Gospel of Thomas and The Da Vinci Code.
• Classes on Vatican II are taught weekly. Classes are free since no actual Vatican II documents are required by the students.
• Pro-abortion politicians are given head-of-the-line privileges at Communion
• Religious sister’s habits are standardized with a uniform and consistently ugly brown pant suit
• The diocese becomes welcoming and open minded to include everybody (except orthodox Catholics.)
• Parish churches are built with only one very narrow and real long pew. This ensure both that nobody can attempt kneeling and that everybody must get into the communion line.
• Spirituality includes the enneagram, raki, and just about anything taught by someone just as long as their name is not prefixed by Saint and especially Doctor of the Church

The laughs build as the introduction of every new idea results in the exact opposite intent and the frustration builds for poor Bishop Griswold who just doesn’t understand why his enlightened approach will not work.

I also think that Bishop Gumbleton would be the perfect advisor for this movie – just tell him that it is a biography and not a comedy.

Coming soon to a parish near you!