Congregation for the Causes of Saints to Hire Lady Gaga

(Vatican City) In a new cost-cutting move the Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, Giovanni Angelo Becciu, has decided on a controversial hire to slash the rising costs of investigations required for beautifications and canonizations. This process guided by the Apostolic constitution Divinus Perfectionis Magister requires extensive studies for the gathering of information along with the cost of medical boards of outside doctors for the examination of presumed miracles.

While the initial costs of the investigation into the lives of these presumed holy men and women are covered by the diocese or religious order, the congregation spends considerable time and money reviewing the depositions and the further processes involved.

Previously it has been rumored that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints was pushing for only the causes for martyrs to be put forward in the future. Since martyrs just need one verified miracle to become a saint, it reduces both the time spent and other costs.

Recently there were news reports that Lady Gaga stopped while performing at a concert to let her audience know something concerning Vice President Pence and his wife “You are the worst representation of what it means to be a Christian.” It is unclear as to whether this was received as a locution or as a prophetic gift.

She went on to say “I am a Christian woman, and what I do know about Christianity is that we bear no prejudice, and everybody is welcome,” she continued. “So you can take all that disgrace, Mr. Pence, and you can look yourself in the mirror, and you’ll find it right there.”

Apparently, she was born again this way.

When a lower official working at the Congregation heard this news report, he realized just how vital Lady Gaga’s gift was and how it could positively impact the long, drawn-out process for beautifications and canonizations. “If she could decern the worst representations for what it means to be a Christian, certainly her gift would recognize the best image of Christianity – the Saints.

While Cardinal Becciu was initially skeptical of this suggestion, after viewing the Video and seeing her supernatural ecstasy in denouncing the Vice President along with his wife, he became convinced. “God often uses people of low estate and her speaking skills and diction were of the lowest estate.”

While this proposal has met with some concerns and push-back, it will be up to Pope Francis as to whether a new Apostolic constitution governing the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to allow this will be issued.