What if?

Irondale, AL (EWTN) – EWTN Global Catholic Network has signed a letter of intent to acquire the National Catholic Register, the nation’s leading Catholic newspaper.

“I am very pleased and excited that the Register will now be a part of the EWTN family,” said Michael P. Warsaw, the Network’s president and chief executive officer. “All of us at EWTN have great respect for the Register and the role it has played throughout its history. It’s a tremendous legacy that deserves to not only be preserved, but also to grow and to flourish.”

“I believe that EWTN will be able to provide the stability that the Register needs at this time as well as to give it a platform for its growth in the years ahead. We’re proud to be able to step in and carry on both the Register’s name and its tradition of faithful Catholic reporting on the issues of the day,” noted Warsaw.

Maybe if we send more money between the “gas and electric bill” we can get them to buy up the National Catholic Reporter also – even if to scrap it. Oh to dream. But how cool would it be if an orthodox group could buy out the NCReporter? Wow there subscribers would freak out.

If I was wealthy enough to buy it, I would certainly have fun with it. Though I would slowly work with the subscriber base. Like a nicotine patch I would slowly introduce orthodox doctrine and opinion. A small drip of radical ideas like obedience to the teaching magisterium of the Church. Small changes like showing the Pope in a positive light.

I wouldn’t have to fire John Allen, Jr – but the rest of the staff would be pretty hard to keep on. I would have to write all new columns, but until they were comfortable I would have for example a “Joan Chiittiister” – nobody would hardly notice the last name was spelled different. Over time this columnist could introduce ideas like the habit is a good thing and that there was a reason Jesus only choose men for the priesthood and we can’t change it. Again it would have to be a real slow change or the dissidents would go into convulsions at the idea. Maybe a Michael Sean Joe Bob Winters whose angry tone would mellow over time and actually exposes the idea that being pro-life and supporting pro-aborts is non-sensical. Maybe a Bishop Gumblehalfaton could bit by bit introduce such concepts that social justice includes saving the unborn. One writer could drip-by-drip introduce concepts like maybe Bishop Olmsted was absolutely right in his decision regarding St. Joseph’s hospital.

This would really be a tough job since my goal is always to bring more people to the truth, not just cast them out because of their dissident ideas. Brining that group to orthodoxy would need the help of a platoon of contemplative nuns.

One a side note I was thinking about the Bearded Spock universe and wondering if there is a universe where the National Catholic Reporter is called Ultra-Montanists by their distractors. A universe where Hans Kung supports papal infallibility and Joseph Ratzinger supports woman’s ordination. In this universe you could go to a Jesuit University and actually be taught the faith. But I guess I would be a dissident in that universe so I don’t want to dwell on this idea other than to apologize for any of my dissident-selves in the multiverse.