Paul Cat at the always funny blog Alive and Young let me know about the YAZ: Step up and go beyond contest. YAZ is a contraceptive that not only works to prevent babies, helps with pre-menstrual emotional problems, cures acne, and makes people like you! The contest is looking for talented designers to create a new YAZ Pill Pack.
Well since I have always been willing to lend a hand to marketing for Planned Parenthood and other outfits
her are my submissions.
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YAZ is a great new birth control option approved by the FDA and we know just how careful the FDA is unless their is political pressure to make a decision. YAZ like most birth control uses estrogen to make your body think it’s pregnant. Surely making your body think it is pregnant 24/7/365 times how many years you use it could not cause future problems. It also uses progestin just in case an egg gets fertilized and becomes a human embryo. Those human embryo’s are sneaky things that try to stay alive and reach the uterus to actually continue to grow. We can’t have that happen so progestin helps to cause changes in the cervical mucous to trap those sneaky embryos from reaching their goal. Think of it as flypaper for embryos. The stuck human embryo slowly starves to death and you have a nice backup if the actual contraceptive part fails. We are introducing several new pill packages to help you to dispense YAZ in a fun manner.
It is also an iconic reminder of your own mortality. So why not go out and fornicate, commit adultery, or just live a selfish life for tomorrow you may die. And if you are going to die anyone why not go alone?
Besides using YAZ PEZ is just a fun way to dispense our pills.
Now if the first two pill dispensers are too morbid for you and you don’t like to be reminded of chemical abortions being a backup method for YAZ and other hormonal contraceptives you will just love are "No Baby" Key chain pill dispenser. After all that is why you use YAZ on the first place because you want no baby. Just because God designed the sexual act to be both procreative and unitive you say the heck with that. After all what could God our creator know about human happiness in the first place. Besides if you wanted to be pro-creative you would buy some watercolors or modeling clay. You can also use your "No Baby" Key chain pill dispenser as a contraceptive fetish. We treat contraceptives as fetishes in the first place because we give them magical medical powers that cause them to work without any side effects or long term damage. Who wants to read those pages of size four print on those inserts that come with YAZ in the first place? With YAZ you can continue to develop your contraceptive mentality that opposes life while at the same time curing mild cases of acne! Wow! |
Check out the YAZ Coffin pill pack. This is a cool reminder for those pesky embryos that managed to make their way through the chemical obstacle course you have setup in your body.
Moloch is one cool dude and he has been accepting human sacrifices for a real long time. In the old days people offered child sacrifice in the hope that Moloch would reward them with material things. Some things never change in some ways and today people don’t want to sacrifice anything and a baby could complicate their life and prevent them from buying the things they want for themselves. But if an embryo manages to survive YAZ will sacrifice that child for your material benefit.
14 comments
I’ll buy it just for that awesome Moloch YAZ Pez. Now, where’s my card….
“Whether you are an aspiring designer, graphic artist, or simply the office fashionista with a flair for what’s chic, now is the chance to put your talent to the test and turn your visions into reality…”
– Nina Garcia”
Horrors! Now there’s a clever way to use God’s gifts. Art in the service of Moloch?
Moloch is one cute little devil! If they use him, the pills should have the flavor of Red-Hots (rememeber them?), I always hated those things as a kid.
Nice!
Jeff-
I’ve never really laughed at contraception – until now! Very good stuff! Funny, and informed. However, I think my next Mass will be offered for all those forgotten children. Thanks for a great post!
FrAustin
Good post, Jeff. While you’re at it, maybe you could do a parody of the Alesse ads that say things like “This girl’s flalesse.” I’d like to see one that says, “This girl’s clualesse.”
I have to wonder how this product will go over in Boston, where “Yaz” refers only to Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski.
Anyway, you’ve given me an idea for the advertising: this pill “makes people like you, and it also prevents people like you.”
Please, PLEASE tell me you really submitted these!
One comment – there is a minor factual error in one of these parodies:
“We can’t have that happen so progestin helps to cause changes in the cervical mucous to trap those sneaky embryos from reaching their goal. Think of it as flypaper for embryos. The stuck human embryo slowly starves to death and you have a nice backup if the actual contraceptive part fails.”
Progestins (they are a class of chemicals, not a single chemical, and the one in Yaz/Yasmin is unique – more later on that) act on the cervical mucous to make it hostile to sperm. If an embryo gets anywhere near the cervix at that stage of development, it is probably done for and out the door….
Progestins also cause the cilia in the fallopian tubes to become somewhat paralyzed, so that the migrating sperm are slowed down on their way to the egg, and the fertilized egg (aka zygote, very young human being) is slowed down on its way to the uterus (hence an increased risk of a tubal pregnancy).
Progestins also block the action of progesterone (the pregnancy hormone) by displacing it from its receptors in the body. In a normal menstrual cycle, estrogen causes the endometrium (lining of the uterus) to build up prior to ovulation, progesterone keeps it built up from ovulation on, and if fertilization takes place, progesterone helps maintain the pregnancy by maintaining that lining (and a whole bunch of other stuff not pertinent to this discussion). When pregnancy does not happen, the sudden drop in progesterone caused by the death of the egg tells the body to clear out the endometrium and then the cycle starts again. Progestin only contraceptives like Depo-Provera, the mini-pill, and Mirena cause the endometrium to be shed and then it isn’t built back up again (so any zygote would be denied a place to implant and grow). Combination hormonal contraceptives also cause the endometrium to be thinned, and that I think is what you were trying to express here. But that abortifaciant aspect of combination hormonal contraceptives is much less predictable than for the progestin only sorts.
Now – Yaz has a unique progestin. Most progestins are made by taking the testosterone molecule and tweaking it until it looks enough like progesterone to disrupt things in the body. Hence the well-known androgenic side effects of hormonal contraception (acne, weight gain, mood swings). Yaz and Yasmin started with the chemical spironalactone, a potassium sparing diuretic that happens to be a testosterone antagonist, and treated it until it resembled progesterone just enough. So it is even more dangerous than the typical hormonal contraceptive should one manage to conceive while taking it. Especially if one doesn’t know she is pregnant and takes it for a month or two (not uncommon, BTW). If she happens to have conceived a boy and she is taking a testosterone blocking chemical, what do you think will happen?
Sorry for the long post here. it is a condensation of some of what I tell patients in my office when they come in asking for Yaz to ‘cure’ theirS, acne, cramps, or whatever. And believe me, they do ask. The advertising is extremely effective.
BTW, pure progesterone also acts as a contraceptive if given in the early part of the menstrual cycle (before ovulation). It was actually the original birth control pill developed by renegade catholic gynecologist Dr. John Rock – the synthetics were developed later (patentable and cheaper) and estrogen was a fairly late addition to the mix (added originally primarily to simulate a normal menstrual cycle).
Love the “No Baby” key chain. Horrendous and funny at the same time.
And yet I’m pretty sure if someone made them, they’d actually be bought.
i totally need the no baby key chain. please send one my way.
I’d always been a staunch anti-birth control Catholic until I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition requiring birth control. As my body created too much testosterone creating a host of problems from heart palpitations to sleep apnea & ovarian cysts the size of softballs, I was put on Yaz and it has cured all the side effects of my severe hormonal imbalance. My natural hormones were killing my reproductive system; not Yaz. Thanks to birth control, I can shrink my cysts, regulate my hormones, then get off of it in a few years & finally try to conceive. Something I never would’ve been able to do without Yaz, since I was facing possible removal of my ovaries until now. Do your research people.
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