The spouse of the Ironic Catholic has a funny two-part post on “Why did the chicken cross” the road from the perspective of saints, theologians, etc.
Here is just a small sample to whet your appetite.
Augustine: Late have I crossed the road, so ancient and so new. Late have I crossed you.
Francis of Assisi: It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching. Therefore, I crossed the road.
Flannery O’Connor: The chicken was struck by a truck while crossing the road, but experienced a flash of grace in the instant of its death. I prefer peacocks anyway.
Well the sincerest form of flattery is imitation so I will try to be sincere with some flattery.
- Karl Rahner – If the chicken has made a fundamental option to cross the road then he will indeed cross the road
- G.K. Chesterton – A chicken decided to go to a foreign country and to invent his own heresies. What the chicken found instead is that in fact he had never left his country and had crossed the road and discovered that his heresies were orthodoxy.
- Therese de Lisieux – If the chicken decides to make himself small, God will lift him up and place him on the other side of the road.
- Sister Joan D. Chittister – The chicken crossed the road as a sign of prophetic road crossing to get away from the male dominated hierarchy
- Saint Benedict – The chicken crossed the road to get away from me even though I assured him I was not the Benedict assocated with eggs.
- Saint Jerome – The chicken crossed the road since some fool left the vulgate open and he escaped.
- Saint Ignatius – The chicken crossed the road out of obedience to the Holy Father. The chicken should always be disposed to believe that that crossing the road is good, if the hierarchy of the Church so decides.
- Blessed Mother Teresa – The chicken crossed the road to help the poorest of the poor chickens.
- Saint John of the Cross – The chicken crossed the road because he realized he was attached to this side of the road. The chicken that is attached to one side of the road however much good there may be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of divine union.
- Saint Anthony the Great – Obviously the chicken crossed the road to get to the desert to purge himself because he suffered from boredom, laziness, and the phantoms of hens.
- Saint Domenic – I suspect that the chicken had Albigensian sympathies since he crossed the road when he saw me coming to preach.
- Saint Anthony of Padua – I have no idea why the chicken crossed the road, but fish I have experience preaching to.
- Saint Joseph – The chicken received a dream over the night warning him to cross the road.
Update: Alive and Young has some examples from other perspectives.
23 comments
The “VulGATE” HAHAHAHAHA
Very clever, Jeff! I’m still chuckling.
Love it!
How about St. Joseph of Cupertino – Deep in meditation, the chicken was actually able to fly to the other side of the road.
St. George – The chicken was fleeing the dragon that I was chasing from the country.
St. Thomas More – The county road Inspector decided to declare himself State Highway Superintendent, took control of all roads and commanded all fowl to cross them. The chicken refused and was sent to his heavenly reward. The Superintendent was later run over by an 18 wheeler.
Blessed Damien of Molokai – The chicken crossed the road to assist other fowl stricken with the bird flu. He later succumbed to the avian influenza that had decimated the entire flock of chickens.
St. Thomas Aquinas:
From the Summa Theologiae, Question 91
On the Crossing of the Road by a Chicken
Article 1: Whether the chicken crossed the road
We proceed thus to the first article
Objection 1: It seems that living beings move in accordance with their final end. But the crossing of the road by the chicken does not seem to be in accord with its final end, for there is no way in which the other side of the road is significantly better for the achieving of its final end than the first. Therefore, the chicken did not cross the road.
Objection 2: Moreover, those who speak of the chicken having crossed the road are frequently people who are not proper authorities on such things. Therefore, the testimony of such should be disregarded, and hence not taken into evidence that the chicken did in fact cross the road.
On the Contrary: We have it on good authority that the chicken did in fact cross the road. Augustine: “Late have I crossed the road, so ancient and so new. Late have I crossed you.” (Conf. pulli, Bk. 8); Benedict: “The chicken crossed the road to get away from me even though I assured him I was not the Benedict assocated [sic.] with eggs.” Furthermore, there is nothing evident that would prevent this enuntiable from being true.
I answer that: First, it should be seen that, as a brute animal, the chicken has a soul endowed with the power of sensation. Among those being with such a soul, some are endowed with the power of local motion (e.g., horses), and others are not (e.g. oysters). Chickens are among those beings who fall into the second category. This can be reasonably believed through the testimony of reputable witnesses (Augustine, Benedict, Jerome), and also through our senses observing the movement of chickens.
Next, it might be argued that although a chicken has the power of local motion, this power does not suffice to cross certain great distances; no one has reported, for example, that chickens have travelled on the Crusade (at least by their own power). Although this is true, it does not seem relevant to this case, for the width of the road does not seem to be such a great distance (there are some heretics who ask whether the chicken has walked all the way down the road, but this question is not relevant to the discussion at hand).
Third, one might argue that the two sides of the road are not distinguishable; this, however, is not stated in the problem. Note, however, that this leads to the following difficulty: were the two sides of the road indistinguishable, it would imply that the chicken was on both sides of the road, for otherwise the two sides could be distinguished by looking to see on which side the chicken was on. But (in addition to other difficulties) this would seem to indicate that the chicken would have no need to cross the road. Therefore, the two sides of the road are different in some manner, and from this, we can assume that there are differences between the two sides of the road. Given that there are differences, there may be any number of reasons why the other side of the road stirred the chicken to movement: the existence of food, the sight of a predator on the one side of the road, etc. And any of these would lead the chicken to cross the road, so as to better fulfill its final end. And hence the answer to the First Objection is clear.
Reply Obj. 2: Although many disreputable sources (e.g., Karl Rahner, Joan Chittister) have claimed that the chicken crossed the road, other sources have claimed the same. And we do not disregard the testimony even of heretics with respect to those things about which there is ample evidence to accept, outside of their testimony. And thus we would not reject that the world is round, even though these sources would indicate that it is so.
How about some dissenting views?
Voice of the Faithful: “We require more transparency and accountability on the part of the chicken to know not only why the chicken crossed the road, but whether the chicken crossed the road in the first place.”
Call To Action: “We demand reform within the henhouse, so that no chickens are made to feel guilty about crossing the road! Notice that the the rooster never crosses the road? The hierarchial patriarchy is set in its ways, entrenched in its dry dead traditions, while it’s the chicken who seeks deeper expression and fuller participation by crossing the road!”
Catholics For a Free Choice: “Any chicken should be able to cross the road, because they’d just be following their consciences.”
Larry D & Aaron…. thank you! I’m laughing so hard i’m crying… a great way to start the day!
St. Thomas – On my bidding the chicken crossed the road to settle the Manicheans.
St. Lawrence – The chicken crossed the road because Boston Chicken was on the other side.
Bishop Trautmann – The chicken crossed the road because he didn’t know it was a road because the sign said avenue.
St. Alphonsus – The chicken crossed the road on the counsel of his treacherous friends.
St. Simeon – The chicken crossed the road to find a higher perch.
Oops…that was meant to be the tertia pars of the Summa, and chickens belong to the first category of sensible beings (those capable of local motion), not the second (those incapable thereof). I didn’t translate from the critical edition… 🙂
St. Teresa of Avila: The chicken crossed the road because, although the chicken had been told in a vision that it was God’s will that she should make a new foundation on the other side of the road, she waited until her confessor suggested that she cross to the other side of the road, so that everything might be done according to ecclesial obedience.
Quite excellent!
I am happy to contribute some additional detail. I wrote my own rough analysis, and followed it with some comments from the esteemed Father A. Thomas, O.P. which I posted here.
In looking for that posting I was surprised to learn that Chesterton apparently had another answer, which is typical of such a GIGANTIC writer, you can read it here.
–Dr. Thursday
I have nothing to contribute here but laughter! This
Chicken Collection should be made into a book!
I like the reasons of St Therese, St. John of the Cross, and Thomas Aquinas best so far. And the “anti-reasons”, Larry D, were hilarious. As to the Bp Trautmann reason, I can almost hear him responding in just that way! He would probably hear HIMSELF in that!! And he would be somewhat justified.
I was lost in a city ( a common occurrence) recently and had to rely on kindly new immigrants for directions. It only takes one such experience to realize that calling a street ‘street’ vs ave vs blvd, etc, can make hours of difference!
Hmmm…
Brother Juniper:
I confess, I suggested to a poor man that he remove the street sign and sell it for scrap and thus, feed his family one more day. I am sorry that the chicken lost his way as a result. Perhaps the tired chicken may stay with us tonight and we could guide him home in the morning?
Glad you enjoyed it Jeff. Sic did a better job that I did for sure, and I like a bunch of yours too.
St.Josemaria: the chicken crossed the road once he realized that it was not necessary for him to remove himself from the world and that, in fact, he could strive for heroic sanctity even in something as commonplace as crossing the road. Thus he crossed the road as perfectly as chickenly possible, offering it up for the glory of God and the salvation of souls.
Darn you, I almost woke up the sleeping missus when I cracked up at “vulgate”!
I groaned aloud at St. Benedict. All very funny!!
Peter Kreeft: The chicken crossed the road not to get to the other side but because the other side had gotten to it.
Scott Hahn: I went to the roadside with Bible in hand intending to see for myself how the chicken was crossing the road in an unbiblical fashion. I was surprised to learn that the chicken crossed the road because only it had preserved Christ’s teachings in the gospel.
Humanae Vitae 14: Therefore We base Our words on the first principles of a human and Christian doctrine of marriage when We are obliged once more to declare that the direct interruption of the crossing process already begun and, above all, all direct deep frying, even for culinary reasons, are to be absolutely excluded as lawful means of crossing the road. Equally to be condemned, as the magisterium of the Church has affirmed on many occasions, is direct sterilization, whether of the rooster or of the hen, whether permanent or temporary.
Winnipeg Statement 26:
If these chickens have tried sincerely but without success to cross a road in keeping with the given directives, they may be safely assured that, whoever honestly crosses that road which seems right to him does so in good conscience.
Aaron ~ I’m so impressed at your Thomist approach! LOL! My prof would LOVE you!
About St. Anthony of Padua…I would argue that the chicken would cross the road to bow to Anthony because of the Blessed Sacrament in his hands. And the fish, too.
This entire post and comments should be published and quoted extensively.
May I also suggest the old, “You have a cow…”
Catholicism: You have a cow. Buy a bull and let them multiply. Keep the calves, buy more stock, build a dairy farm and sell the milk. Put the cattle to work to keep the farm running.
Capitalism: You have a cow. Sell the cow and buy a bull. (from the political side…plagiarized on a t-shirt I have somewhere).
Agnosticism – I don’t know if there is a cow. (Plagiarized).
Buddhism – Become one with the cow and become annhilated in nirvana as part of the cow. There is no good or evil…there is only the cow.
Hinduism – I wish I was a cow.
Islam – Submit to the cow or die!
Unitarian – We don’t care what you believe about the cow. Buy a cow, sell a cow, bring a cow, dress like a cow, breed cows, be a cow…we accept you. There is no real cow. The cow is what you make it and want to believe about it.
Secularism – What cow? Don’t try to influence the government with the cow.
Atheism – Who needs cows? There is no cow.
Obamaism – Kill the cow before birth, after birth, or whenever you feel like it. Nothing wrong with that. Now, elect me!
Hillaryism – I’m a woman, therefore you should influence the cow to kill her children because I say she CAN!
OH…did I go off track there? Please apologize to the cows and the chickens for me…
Natural Family Planning:
The chicken crossed the road because it and the rooster had jointly decided, after prudent and prayerful deliberation, that the semi-serious reasons to avoid crossing the road had passed.
While waiting for the semi-serious reasons (in fact semi-trucks) to pass, they exercised the virtue of self-mastery rather than the domination of nature to keep them safely off road. Other chickens used chemicals and barriers to prevent themselves from crossing the road and said that because the end result of not crossing the road was the same, their methods were equivalent.
After the semi-trucks passed, however, the chemicals and barriers remained and so only the chickens and roosters who had mastered their road-crossing urge were able to freely cross in act of self-donating generosity to one another.
Upon seeing the natural chickens and roosters lovingly cross the road, the chemical chickens smugly concluded that the natural methods of not crossing the road were not very effective.
Pope John Paul II (The Great): My dear young people, you ask: The chicken crossed the road, why? This I tell you: Because he was not afraid!
Julian of Norwich: The chicken crossed the road because she knew she would be assailed but not overcome by bad traffic.
And one more: Padre Pio: Pray, run and don’t worry!
Mel Gibson: The chicken crossed the road to avoid Mass in LA. Then we made a movie about tradition chicken values (Chicken Run).