Growing Vocations

There has been much talk lately on how to foster vocations to both the priestly and religious life. It is no secret that in the last forty years that the numbers of religious and priests have diminished (at least in Western cultures) and many suggestions have been made to remedy this situation. No this post won’t be another one on married clergy as a answer, especially with the Synod and the Pope again dismissing this, but something much more disturbing. Some of the images in this post make shock you. I also guarantee that not one of them has been manipulated through any image processing such as Photoshop and that every picture used are ones that I have uncovered in recent months.

A group of otherwise orthodox Catholics have resorted to a very unorthodox solution. Documents I have uncovered seem to point to the following scriptural passage as being the impetus for some very unethical scientific research. "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; pray therefore the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." These scientists working in the basement of a monastery have been working with human-plant hybrids using DNA and angiosperms seeds (flowering plants) to create POD (Plant Overly Devotional) humans to supply literally a new breed of candidates to the religious life. They have taken the harvest metaphor too literally and thus have created a forbidden fruit. These POD people are plucked full grown and ready to take vows. Now this report might sound over-the-top and in this case seeing is believing.

Yes this is an actual picture of a Dominican nun growing outside in plain view. Notice her affinity for her sister plant as she holds hands-leafs with one of her genetic siblings. Now you might have thought that perhaps it was Franciscans who were behind this inspired by The Canticle of Brother Son "Thou be praised, my Lord, for our sister, mother earth,
who sustains us and governs, and produces various fruits with colored flowers and green plants." But no unfortunately in this case it is the usually clear thinking Dominicans who brought us the superb scientist the St. Albert the Great

Here is another example of their genetic hi jinks as you see a nun fruit or Nuntarines is almost ready for harvesting as it hangs from the Nuntree. Again they have misinterpreted the scriptural passage "every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire."

Not all of their attempts have been totally successful. Some earlier tries resulted in abnormal side effects such as enlarged pink hands. These early plant-human hybrids are not normally seen except for at events like World Youth Day where their defect can more easily blend in.

This early attempt at growing a priest ran into problems when a fully grown spine did not develop. Now if we had a shortage of Bishops they might have gone ahead with this genetic line.

Most oft the POD people after being created in the laboratory are raised in tub of special fertilizer which turns out to be Father Dom’s Duck Doo. Yes this is a real fertilizer where all profits are used for charity and unfortunately in this case is used for this unethical research.

Here is another attempt where alternate rows of shrubs and nuns are gown.

Now some might think that it is about time that science answers the call of the vocation problem. But I must remind you that the POD humans are intrinsically evil since the unitive and procreative significance of the marital act is separated and the child is not the fruit of the sexual union but rather of a technological process. The child has a right to be the fruit of the marital act of the love between his parents and not the fruit of a tree or a bush. The Catechism says.

2376 Techniques that entail the dissociaation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple (donation of sperm or ovum, surrogate uterus), are gravely immoral. These techniques (heterologous artificial insemination and fertilization infringe the child’s right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage. They betray the spouses’ right to become a father and a mother only through each other.

And I bet this includes creating plant-human hybrids. Though we must not unfairly disparage those POD people who through no fault of their own were brought into the world unethically. We must stop this outrageous practice now and pray to one of the patron saints of gardeners like St. Rose of Lima (not beans) to intercede for us. There are also the deep theological questions of whether they have human or plant souls and whether they require salvation or pruning. The important question though is how many of these POD people have been created and how can we identify them. Do they cross themselves as they pass a salad bar? Have more heterodox scientists created their own versions based on the genetic code from Tares. After all we have many that spread seeds of dissent and whose fruit is less than wholesome. Is this something that is just happening at a few convents and monasteries or is it more widespread? I’ll stop this speculation and will leave you with possibly the most shocking photo.

Is the Pope holding something for aspersion or has he had an outbreak of foliage. I report you decide.

Which reminds me why is hyssop instead of the more fitting asparagus used for aspersion? After all we don’t want anybody accidentally throwing a hyssop fit.