You’ve have heard such songs a “Gather Us In” by Marty Haugen and “Blest Are They” by David Haas that are so sickly sweet that you were sure you gained a couple of pounds listening to them in your church.
So sweet that you wish they were a flavor of ice cream. Well wish no more because Marty Haugen and David Haas have teamed together to do to your taste buds what they have done to your ear drums. All of are flavors include nuts in fact just like the appreciators of modern liturgical music it is chock full of nuts.
Introducing Haugen-Haas Ice Cream!
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Dissimint
Will dialogue with your taste buds and argue with you all the way down your throat. The cool taste of Dissimint will cause you to want to sign petitions and protest outside your local church. So rebel against against the flavors of dogmatic ice cream makers who think that flavors should taste like they traditionally did. Note: Your hair turning gray is not a side effect of Dissimint but an aid to help you fit in with other Dissimint eaters. |
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Banana Schism Split
Nothing says split like a schism so like thousands of others before you why not banana split off yourself. Why should your mouth answer to an old man in Rome? Martin Luther once remarked, “Every man is born with a Pope in his belly.” so why not feed your inner pope with the finest schismatic ice cream? Whether you are a progressive or a sede vacantist you will love the sweet taste of schism. |
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Easter Sundae
For Easter Sundae Christians that only go to church once or twice a year. The perfect ice cream for the uncommitted ice cream eater that grew up in an ice cream eating household and doesn’t want to totally break with the tradition. |
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Iconoclast Vanilla
Stark white ice cream just like the interior of many modern churches. No frills nothing special just plain vanilla ice cream. Nothing added – no miniature chunks of statue shaped chocolates – just one hundred percent pure watered down white ice cream. |
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Heretical Caramel Cone
Chunks of gnostic body hating chocolates and new age crystal sugar pieces combined to be doctrinally impure for those with a palette that rejects orthodoxy and craves doctrines to satisfy both their itching ears and tummy! |
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Liturgical Dancers Licorice
Imagine the flavor of liturgical dancers prancing around your tongue with whips of licorice pompoms. Just like your worship experience your ice cream experience should be all about you. So dive in with a flavor that is just tutu good. |
* Blogger credit to Bryan Jerabek of Quodlibeta for suggesting that I do something with the idea of Haugen-Haas Ice Cream.
33 comments
Man Arrested in Protest at L.A. Cathedral
Monday June 27, 2005 4:16 AM
By MICHAEL R. BLOOD
Associated Press Writer
LOS ANGELES (AP) – A man was arrested Sunday after he handcuffed himself to Cardinal Roger Mahony’s chair during a service to protest the church’s handling of allegedly abusive priests.
Several thousand people were attending Mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels when James Robertson walked toward the altar and handcuffed himself to the chair, police said.
Mahony, who was delivering the homily about 15 feet away, continued with the service. Robertson did not speak with Mahony.
Robertson, 58, was arrested without incident for misdemeanor investigation of disturbing a religious ceremony. He was released.
Robertson said he disturbed the church service because he wanted “the people in the pews to listen to the victim’s stories from the victims themselves, not from the people who put them in this position.”
About 200 members of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, a support group for victims of clergy abuse, were protesting outside the cathedral, but spokeswoman Mary Grant said Robertson handcuffed himself to the chair without the knowledge of the organization.
Robertson said he is not a member of SNAP, but of a smaller group called Survivors of Silence.
Critics of Mahony, who heads the nation’s largest archdiocese, claim he has been stonewalling a county probe into abusive priests by failing to turn over personnel files. More than 500 sexual abuse claims have been filed against the archdiocese and settlement negotiations have been ongoing.
Robertson’s attorney, Katherine Freberg, said her client has a civil lawsuit pending in state court against the archdiocese that alleges he was abused by a priest when he was a minor.
“Jim was a silent protester. He wanted the parishioners to understand that Catholic boys were abused, as children, by Catholic priests,” Freberg said.
Tod Tamberg, a spokesman for the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, said a church security guard watched over Robertson until police arrived. “We were very concerned for the Cardinal’s safety and for all the people attending Mass, many of them children. It was very tense,” he said.
For the record: no relation.
Anyway. Good stuff, Jeff.
Very funny.
Banana Schism Split
Nothing says split like a schism so like…
LOL
Love it!
Gotta say though that Gather Us In sounds like a drinking song or sea chanty to me!!
Now even ice-cream is denied me, being no longer liturgically safe…
Damn.
That is brilliant! This post actually did make me laugh out loud.
Thanks!
LOL. Just brilliant!
LOL… thanks, Jeff!
Hehe…neat! Can you get Nestorian Nectarine, Arian Apple, and Machiavellian Macadamia? (Or is that coming out in a “ye olde-fashioned” ice cream line?)
-DS
DS, funny! They would be in the “Heretical Classics” line.
But for a really different dissenting flavor, you can try their Tridentine Only Mass sherberts.
New Haugen-Haas Ice Cream!
The creators of the finest in liturgical music (aka the “Gather” song book) have teamed up to create a rollicking symphony of fine ice cream flavors. Included in the new product line are: Dissimint Easter Sundae Banana Schism Split Iconoclast…
Mmm. Caramel Cone is my absolute favorite ice cream flavor of all time; and I’m from Wisconsin so that’s saying something. I do not, however, endorse heresy. 😉
Excellent work!
You have way too much time on your hands! Ditto on the Excellent work. You so rule!
Can I add Haugen and Haas into membership in my new organization Catholic Church Music for the Deaf? Sr. Toolan and Dan Schutte are founding members.
Hilarious! Well done…
The sugar content must be really high on these things to cause a soul’s hyperactivity?
Haugen-Haas Ice Cream? Tastes bitter to me…
One of my favorite bloggers to read is Jeff Miller at The Curt Jester. I enjoy reading most of his satire, but every so often he hits a clunker and I feel compelled to comment on it.
Hey, how about “Rocky Road to Hell” ???
Music of the Jeers
James Lileks can’t find his favorite ice cream. He should have visited the frozen aisle at Curt Jester, w…
Cerebral. Wonderful. Just one question: are these all ‘lite’ ice creams?
No, they are all loaded with sugar and cholesterol.
Bryan is following in my footsteps without realizing it: I sent a similar pun to Steve Schultz (CL’s official seminarian) three years ago!
I just thought about several of my favourite flavours, some of them mulltiples. Neapolitan (chocolate, vanilla and strawberry), Jaffa (orange and chocolate), and “triple ripple” as it’s sometimes called (vanilla but coloured blue, yellow and pink with flavoured food dyes). Now Neapolitan can mean Europe, Jaffa’s a city in the Middle East (ugh!), and you could apply triple ripple as something that’s tripartate…
Moreover, I also like ice-cream with chocolate sauce or crackling (?) and nuts on it. The nuts we can all explain, including ourselves… But the chocolate???
Damn it! It’s a terrible thing when even ice-cream now has to be validated liturgically. Will the Pope make a ruling here? Can Bishops grant the gustatorial equivalents of Imprimaturs (“it is able to be eaten”)???
No dessert, thanks, I’m a Catholic…
No right or wrong liturgical music style?
There is an interesting discussion going on at Confessions of a Recovering Choir Director. This references a plenum address by Fr. Jan Michael Joncas with commentary by Dad29. It outlines a major bone of contention between “conservatives” and “progre…
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Jester,
I found your site compliments of Matthew Meloche. This is totally hilarious!
BMP
Very Un-christian. Not funny at all. Let’s keep in mind what we’re about as church.
Do you guys not have anything better to do with your lives? Doesn’t the bible say that we are suppose to love everyone? How is this being very Christian like? Making fun of two people that have made a difference in many youth’s lives. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of their songs? They are about peace, love, and faith. Some things that you guys seem to not grasp the concept of! If you want to know what youth want to hear in their church, we want to hear the old and the new. I just went to MMA, Music Ministry Alive for youth. We sang Pie Jesu and gospel. I think I can speak for all the youth there saying that we liked them both equally. We like to keep the tradition, but we also like to keep up with the times. Just think about how you guys are judging…
Hey Youth…judge not lest ye be judged. Who’s passing judgment on whom here?
I went to college at a Catholic university where Haugen, Haas, and Nestor were exalted…I’m amazed I didn’t leave the Church.
Can I get a gallon of the Heretical Caramel Cone for my next gathering? And just FYI, this post made my morning.
Finally, someone rejects these dry vapid songs…there is nothing “un-Christian” pointing out error where there is error. I am so glad that there are other people who have a problem with lyrics which border on heresy…As a young Catholic I am just glad to say that there are many more people like me: young, orthodox, and lovers of truly Catholic music.
Haugen-Haas Is Fattening
Like Eating Bricks Of Cheese
Sunday is all too often a time wherein many Catholics habitually ignore vapid music that they wouldn’t put up with anywhere else in their lives but the Holy Mass. Plato’s Stepchild points us to this guy’s liverevolt against the music…
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What a great post! Made me laugh out loud too 🙂 Just in response to some of the earlier comments, I think it really needs to be said that some of these modern songs do border on heresy, and congregations don’t think about what they’re singing, they just sing along…for example, there’s a hymn called “Glory and Praise to our God” (another Dan Schutte special). One of the verses says: “In His wisdom He strengthens us like gold that’s tested in fire; Though the power of sin prevails, our God is there to save”…SIN PREVAILS??? I thought the Church always taught that the power of sin was destroyed through the suffering, death and resurrection of Christ!
The fact that we are supposed to be spiritually nourished by this stuff really bothers me.Let’s get back to hymns that actually proclaim the truth of our faith.
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