Grand Theft Theology

Are you an ardent game player and committed Catholic and upset with many games for their contents. Have you longed for true religious gaming or just great gaming action without scantily clad buxom blonds all over the place? Unfortunately most religious themed games have been rated L for Lame. That is until now with the introduction by Jesterware of the t box. This gaming system has dual Pentium IV 3 MHz chips with 256 MB of pixel pumping demon stomping power. 3D sound and an ethernet connection will ensure your youth groups will never be the same again.

Have you ever been in the middle of an intense game and realized you needed to go pray the Liturgy of the Hours or the Rosary? No problem simply press the Jesus icon on the controller and the game is saved (Jesus Saves!). Case is waterproof so you don’t have to worry about accidental Holy Water spills.

Are specially constructed cross-controllers will help you to pick up your cross daily for hours on end while you put on the whole armor of God and blast every adversary within sight. Included with your purchase are two of our latest games.

Grand Theft Theology

In This challenging game you play one of a variety of progressive theologian anti-heros. Not very likable characters but boy do they wreck theological havoc and what else do you want for you gaming experience. You can choose Charles Curran, Gregory Baum, George Tyrrell, Alfred Loisy, Teilhard de Chardin, and (in more advanced gaming versions) Karl Rahner. If you are not ready for serious theological dissenters you can start in beginners mode with Fr Richard McBrien. While playing and driving you own sports car popemobile (after all each theologian is their own pope) you look for available weapons to cause the most destruction such as obfuscation, watered-down theology, theological buzzwords to instantly disarm and confuse your opponents. Watch for the Spirit of Vatican II Power Pill which instantly enhances your powers and causes all those in you path to lay down in confusion. To score the highest points you must become adept at choosing words and phrases that makes you appear to follow church teaching when you are not. For example if an opponent comes at you with "abortion is murder" be ready to instantly destroy them with a "seamless garment" paralyzing ray or the "proportional reasons" blaster. Skilled players will make it appear that it is the Church that is unfairly persecuting them when in fact they are dissenting from traditional church teachings. You must drive from church to church spreading heresy and to gain maximum points get on the speed dial for a secular reporter. Be aware of vans marked "Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith" because these contain Ratzinger’s Raiders and if you are caught will result in "Game Over." If in pursuit duck into any Catholic University where they will provide covering fire with "Academic freedom" machine guns.

Eternal Doom

This is the first in a series of First Person Looters (FPL). In this exciting fast-paced game you play a modern day liturgical architect know as the Wreckovator (Arnold as the Terminator was a wimp in comparison.) Your goal is to totally destroy a church by removing the kneelers, communion rail, high altar, statues and anything else standing. Not only do you not face imprisonment for such massive destruction, you will even receive a good salary. No more will architectural consultants be known as wimps. As you move through the church look for axes, jackhammers, power saws and other equipment to do your work. Look carefully for the EACW (Environment and Art in Catholic Worship) for maximum damage. While this unapproved bishop’s document might look unassuming, believe me it has been quite destructive in the past and has reduced whole sanctuaries to voids faster than you can say Fr. Vosko. Iconoclasm was never so fun.

This is highly demanding game play and you have to avoid pesky liturgical conservative who go wining to the Vatican when you dig in. Here is a real world example of what you can aspire for in Wreckovation game play. Here are shots of the Sacred Heart Cathedral in the Diocese of Rochester and the very pulpit from which Archbishop Fulton Sheen preached.

Before

After

Not every gamer can get to this level right away but keep pressing your joystick and activating your jackhammers and you will get there in no time.

* Credit: Concept for Grand Theft Theology was sent to my by I. Shawn McElhinney of Rerum Novarum.