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Have you grown up with the increasing violence, sex, and profanity in the movies and you think this is a good thing? Have you ever watched your TV wishing that all the programs were rated V, N, S, L, D? Has broadcast or cable TV bleeped or blanked the good parts? Have you heard about classic movies such as Casablanca but could never watch the full thing because it was just too boring by today’s standards? Have old westerns puzzled you wondering just why cowboy language was so mild. Introducing the Secularizer.
Our patented unfilter technology called CorruptPlay™ injects the content you want. Two 220 gigabyte hard drive contains thousands of hours of sex scenes that get automatically inserted into the movies that you watch. They are gratuitous and do not in any way develop the plot – just like real Hollywood R-rated movies! Our remote control lets you set the level of violence. Now your movies and TV shows can have arterial blood spouts as graphic as your video games. You can set the level of violence from "Excessive" all the way to "Full Tarantino." Hundreds of hours of unnecessary car chases when the movie starts to drag – again just like the Hollywood your use to. Our Custom Cussing Chip profanity synthesizer automatically listens for mild language and interjects more appropriate words. For example now you can finally watch Gone with the Wind with steamy bedroom scenes and lines like "Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a F***." You can now watch Westerns and hear Gabby Hayes say "!^#&*##()#" instead of "Dag Nabit" or "horses patoot" Watch updated cartoon classics like "Scooby Doo, Where the $#&* are you?" Sesame street will never be the same – Oscar is grouchy and his language matches! Barney now has an attitude and he’s pissed. We realize our CorruptPlay™ technology has no effect on many of the movies coming out of Hollywood today, but just think of the thousands of older movies and TV shows that are now opened up to your entertainment. Our content does not rely on movie title dependent unfilters, but instead applies these video and audio changes on-the-fly whether playing via the embedded DVD player or through the TV pass-through connection. So there are no subscriptions to buy and you always get violent content verging on the pornographic. The Secularizer, for when the slippery slope is just not as slippery and downhill as you want! Now for those who enjoy non-stop Quentin Tarantino’s movies and can’t get enough of the latest summer R-rated flick, but will blink at the violence in The Passion of the Christ we have another feature. With the upcoming release of TPOTC on DVD be prepared to be able to watch a sanitized blood free Jesus whose dying for your sins is much more bearable to watch. Our TPOTC filter will give you guilt free viewing pleasure and keeping with the format of the movie – injected profanity will be in Latin, Greek and Aramaic. |
6 comments
Can I get the big brother channel?
The problem with satire these days is that it’s in a neck and neck race with reality. Watch for one of these to be for sale in the near future. I give it five years or so.
L,
I liked your TPOTC suggestion and I incorporated it into the end of the post.
Will the Secularizer either edit all religious references out of Hollywood films altogether, or else make sure all references are cynical and dismissive?
Oh, wait…
Not to get off track and forgive the ranty nature of what follows … but why the slams at Tarantino?
In the movies he has directed, I can’t think of a single “unnecessary car chase” and the few car chases he has are quite short (he may actually hold the record for shortest one in movie history — Marcellus and Butch at the traffic light in PULP FICTION, which never leaves the intersection; playing against the cliche of the hours of car chases was part of what made it funny).
Plus, his movies are a lot more serious and profound than their reputations (and his often-nutty public persona, to be sure). Yes, one has to “speak” the language of pomo irony to “get” them, but our host most definitely can speak that language. I mean, what contemporary movie treats a miracle and a man’s response to one as seriously as the Samuel L. Jackson thread in PULP FICTION? Or gives motherhood, a gift worthy of thanks to God, the weight it has in the KILL BILL films.
If all QT could do was make hyperviolent movies or “summer R-rated” blockbusters (he has never made the latter kind of movie, in fact), one would no more recognize his name than you do Renny Harlin, McG, or Michael Bay, or be more able to cite scenes in his movies than you can with TANGO AND CASH or TORQUE.
Thank for you for tolerating Part 45695248965 of Victor’s “The Bells Of St. Mary’s Ain’t Coming Back And The Stuff Out There Is Better Than You Think” kick.
Victor,
I wasn’t really trying to slam QT, but I was thinking of the scene in Kill Bill at the restaurant as far as a gauge of arterial blood spouting.