Every Bishop a wanted Bishop

Pete Vere at Envoy Encore was thinking about this passage submitted by a reader at Mark Shea’s blog. Pete called it Planned Pastorhood.

IF SOME POLITICIAN favored a law which authorized the beheading and dismemberment of a very moderate number of Catholic bishops ~ annually ~ would the bishops say “…but where does he stand on tax reform”?”

Mark had commented on this meme by saying “Very complex question. Lots of variables. I will create a task force to study the possibility of forming a committee for the purpose of organizing a study group to begin to start considering opening discussions of this matter. I share your deep concern and say, “Go. Be warm and well-fed.” Thanks for your input. If you need further assistance, please press 0.”

Well I have a different take on what might be the sequence of events.

A spokesperson for the USCCB says “The Bishops are concerned about the wording of this new bill and would like to explore the meaning of moderate and how these candidates might be chosen.”

Cardinal McCarrick announces that he would be uncomfortable if he had his head removed.

A statement is not forthcoming from Cardinal Mahoney because we have not been able to get through his throng of lawyers.

A group of Catholic politicians issued a statement saying that while they were personally opposed to episcopal beheading, that they must represent the people in their districts who seemed to be in favor of it.

Some Catholics debated that every life is precious and that we must protect life from conception to the bishopric. Others argued that first we must create a culture that would not be in favor of bishop beheadings and that we should not try to pass laws to prevent this from happening. That we should try to make this safe, legal, and rare otherwise we would go back to bad old days of illegal bishop beheadings in back alleys.

At the National Catholic Reporter, Bishop Gumbleton writes an article saying that if only we had women priests and bishops that this would not have happened. He also put forth that clerical celibacy can lead directly to beheadings and it would be better if priests and bishops were allowed to be married. The government would not engage in this action knowing they would have to pay a death benefit to a spouse.

Some radical traditionalist groups complained that there were not any valid Bishops so this law would not have any effect.

A group of Bishops get together and discuss how this law fits into the seamless garment philosophy. It was decided that bishops retaining their heads is just as important as welfare reform, health care, and abortion. It was noted that their is hardly any reason to wear a seamless garment if you don’t have a head.

At the next semi-annual bishops meeting a statement is released called Always Our Bishops:A Pastoral Message to all Catholics. The statement explains that everyone including parents of bishops must be understanding of the bishop’s living among us in society and there must be more acceptance of the bishop lifestyle. Violence against bishops including forced removal of their heads is never justified.

A committee is formed to determine what sanctions might be used against any lawmakers who might sign this bill. For the first time in USCCB history after only five minutes of discussion the committee rejected such measures as not giving them honorary degrees and went right to excommunication of any politician who voted for this bill. If they persisted in passing the bill all areas where these politicians lived would be under immediate interdict.

The bill is dropped and a new bill that increases funding to Planned Parenthood and that would force all health plans to have mandatory contraceptive coverage is submitted instead.

The Bishops schedule discussing of this new bill at the second of two of next years semi-annual conferences. Discussion on the new farm bill took precedence.

Now this might seem over the top. But I wonder. We have 4,000 children slaughtered each day in abortion clinics. State after state removing conscience clauses. One state with legal euthanasia and another with homosexual marriages. And yet the most Catholic politician might have to worry about is whether them may or may not receive some honorary degree from a Catholic school.