Bizzaro Politics

I would like to issue a public apology to Senator John F. Kerry. In the past I have questioned statements that he has made implying that he is either a liar of at least a flip-flopper. I could not see a way to reconcile the statements he has made to the truth. A reader named Alex has embarrassed me by putting together the clues that were so evident if only I had connected the dots.

Jeff! I think I’ve figured it out! Kerry is a Catholic from Bizzaro World! Observe the evidence: According to an online Superman encyclopedia, Bizzaro is a hideous copy of Superman with an ill-proportioned, angular, pasty-white face. He is well-intentioned but witless, powerful yet pathetic. His speech is incoherent. “Me don’t know difference between right and wrong – good and evil!” Bizzaro declares in one issue of the famous comic book.

This fits to a T. Alex also mentioned that Bizzaro world must have a church that would also be the opposite of the church here. Doing some research I found a holy card inadvertently left behind by John Kerry on the Campaign trail. Nobody could make heads our tales of it before since it looked like some kind of joke, yet now it has become a significant find.

When John Kerry had said “My oath privately between me and God was defined in the Catholic Church by Pius XXIII and Pope Paul VI in the [sic] Vatican II, which allows for freedom of conscience for Catholics with respect to these choices” everybody jumped on this statement since it was inconsistent with the number of Pope Pius’ on this world and that no such oath appeared in Vatican II documents on this world.

John Kerry is not a liar he just spends a lot of time traveling between our world and Bizzaro world that he has a hard time keeping it all strait. I am sure space ship lag must have some effect probably worse than jet lag. The Vatican council on his home world is an interesting study in contrasts. It actually declared some of the things that liberals on this world thought were in our Vatican II documents. There must be some kind of slippage in the time-space continuum between the two worlds which explains why some people believe there are things in the documents that just are not there. On Bizzaro world Rad Trads fight to have the Mass said in the vernacular again and say that the new Latin Mass is invalid and liberals complain about the advent of female priests.

Take the following statement “I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it.” This sounded like total contradictory nonsense. But using the Rosetta stone of Bizzaro world we can determine that there he did vote for the money and then returned to earth and voted against it.

People have also remarked about John Kerry’s appearance especially his elongated face that has been compared to Lurch from the Adam’s Family. He obviously must have to wear a mask to cover his angular and pasty face features. The mask just has to be a little bit bigger than a normal human face.

In Bizzaro world raising taxes actually increases employment and a weak defense discourages countries from invading you. There government programs actually work and establishing a Department of Education actually caused children to become more educated. Additionally at Bizzaro world adults go snowboarding and teenagers play shuffleboard. So can we truly blame Mr. Kerry for forgetting that the opposite is true in this world. I applaud him for the job he is doing considering the difficulty in commuting between worlds.