At that time, Mother Teresa worked in Calcutta, India, as
a religious of the Sisters of Loreto. During her prayer, Christ asked her to go
out into the streets and proclaim him among the abandoned of India, especially
girls.
“How could I?” she wrote. “I have been and am very happy
as a Loreto nun. To leave that what I love and expose myself to new labors and
suffering, which will be great, to the laughingstock of so many, especially
religious, to cling and choose deliberately the hard things of an Indian life,
to loneliness and ignominy, to uncertainty? And all because Jesus wants it,
because something is calling me to leave all and gather the few to live His
life, to do His work in India.”
In her prayers, particularly her
Communions, Jesus constantly asked her: “‘Wilt thou refuse? When there was a
question of Thy soul I did not think of Myself but gave Myself freely for thee
on the Cross and now, what about thee? Wilt thou refuse? I want Indian nuns,
victims of my love.'” Mother Teresa explained all this in a letter to her
spiritual director and to the archbishop.
“My own Jesus, what you ask is
beyond me,” the then Sister Mary Teresa responded. “I can hardly understand half
of the things you want. I am unworthy. I am sinful. I am weak. Go, Jesus, and
find a more worthy soul, a more generous one.”
“Are you afraid now to
take one more step for Your Spouse, for Me, for souls?” Christ said, according
to the nun. “Is your generosity grown cold? Am I a second to you? You did not
die for souls. That is why you don’t care what happens to them. Your heart was
never drowned in sorrow as was my Mother’s. We both gave our all for souls, and
you? You are afraid that you will lose your vocation, you will become a secular,
you will be wanting in perseverance.”
“No — your vocation is to love and suffer and save souls
and by taking the step you will fulfil My Heart’s desire for you. You will dress
in simple Indian clothes or rather like My Mother dressed, simple and poor. Your
present habit is holy because it is My symbol. Your sari will become holy
because it will be My symbol,” Christ insisted, according to the text.
“Jesus, my own Jesus, I am only Thine,” the nun answered.
“I am so stupid. I do not know what to say, but do with me whatever you wish, as
you wish, as long as you wish. I love you not for what you give, but for what
You take. Jesus, why can’t I be a perfect Loreto nun, a real victim of Your love
here? Why can’t I be like everybody else? Look at the hundreds of Loreto nuns
who have served You perfectly, who are now with you. Why can’t I walk the same
path and come to you?”
She added: “Don’t allow me to be deceived, I am
so afraid. This fear makes me see how much I love myself. I am afraid of the
suffering that will come by living life in the Indian way, dressing like them,
eating with them, sleeping with them, living with them without ever being able
to do anything that I will. To what degree my own convenience has taken
possession of my soul.”
Christ calmed her by describing what the future
would be like: “I want Indian nuns, Missionaries of Charity, who would be my
fire of love amongst the poor, the sick, the dying, and the little children. The
poor I want you to bring to me and the Sisters that would offer their lives as
victims of My love will bring these souls to Me. You are, I know, the most
incapable person, weak and sinful, but just because you are that, I want to use
you for My glory. Will Thou refuse?”
“‘Little one, give me souls,” Jesus
insisted, according to the nun. “Give me the souls of the poor little street
children. How it hurts, if you only knew, to see these poor children soiled with
sin. I long for the purity of their love. If you would only answer and bring me
these souls. Draw them away from the hands of the evil one. If you only knew how
many little ones fall into sin every day. There are plenty of nuns to look after
the rich and well-to-do people, but for my very poor, there are absolutely none.
For them I long, them I love. Wilt thou refuse?” Some weeks went by. Then, on
Jan. 6, 1948, Archbishop Perier called Mother Teresa and said: “You may go
ahead.” [ZENIT full
article]
In a time when the media is concentrating on Mother Teresa’s
doubts it is always good to remember the fruits of her wrestling with
God.
